March 4, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-9: Life's A Beach, Then You Die Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-9: Life’s A Beach, Then You Die Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Wichita? I think this is our first time ever in Kansas, how cool is that? Well you guys are in for a treat because today marks the return of the National For Fucks Sake Association and our 2020 Stupidest State! This is my favorite Top 10 of the year (with the exception of our Year In Review edition) because it’s Selection Sunday. And that means that we have all the info you need to fill out your brackets! Do we have time for the thing? OK so spring training is a thing that is happening. You know we had a planned piece this week about people who are planning to boo the Astros on opening day, but we’re going to save that when it gets much closer to MLB opening day. Of course if the Coronavirus happens, the Astros will get booed after someone uses their computer to hack the Angels’ PA system. Oh you know it’s happening. Some Dodgers and Yankees fans right now are plotting that. But I got to show this footage of my team, the Angels. And Mike Trout just launched this ball into pretty much low earth orbit:

https://twitter.com/PGATOUR/status/1234329544707989505

That is fucking insane. I think that thing is in low earth orbit right now. Hell I’m pretty sure that it hit the windshield of the Tesla roadster that Elon Musk launched into orbit last year. Some guy in Portugal is going “where the hell did this golf ball come from?”. I’m pretty sure that’s what the crazy aunt in Christmas Vacation saw when she started singing the National Anthem at the end of the movie. Yes, he hit that ball so far it could travel through time! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver tears into myths and stupidity surrounding the Coronavirus:



This week, the Coronavirus has dominated the news, and as such it’s going to dominate the Top 10 this week! In the first slot this week is of course the guy who we currently call president, and that’s Donald J. Trump (1). Here’s the thing – does everything have to be a conspiracy with these kooks? Well for those of us who live in reality, he’s gone off the rails on his response to the Corona Virus scandal and it’s quite insane. At slot #2 – is our annual look at all the ramblings from CPAC in Washington DC and this time the merger of the Alt Right and far right traditional conservatives is complete. Think the end of Terminator 2. Taking the third slot this week, is also Donald J. Trump (3). And his week-long stint in India as a guest of their Hindu nationalist prime minister Narajendra Modi was insane, and Modi has committed far worse crimes than Trump has. In slot number 4 is, well, we had a piece planned about Louis Gohmert and the lynch mob (great band name, BTW), but instead we have to talk about what happened between hip hop hall of famers Public Enemy and now former member Flavor Flav over what happened at the Bernie Sanders rally in Los Angeles. Yeah… WTF? Taking the fifth slot this week, is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and in light of Trump’s trip to India this week we’re taking a look at some (not) shocking revelations surrounding the diet of our 45th president, and what he eats on a daily basis, and is it good for you? Easy answer: No. In slot #6 is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and the Christian right has some insane responses to the Coronavirus, and our resident pastor is going to go through some of them including Jim Bakker's controversial "Silver Solution" and praying away the virus! Taking the 7th slot this week, is a new “Beating A Dead Horse”. Dennis Prager’s Prager U sued Google after getting banned from Youtube, and there was a surprising verdict in the trial and we will tell you about it! In slot #8 is a new edition of “NO!” (8), and people, don’t profit from a tragedy. eBay shut down people selling items from Kobe Bryant’s memorial service, so yeah really don’t do that! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new “I Need A Drink”. And this week we’re going to raise our glasses and have a toast for Mad Mike Hughes, the Flat Earther who was so obsessed he built a homemade rocket to prove it, and sadly ended up dying in the process. Mad Mike, we salute you! Well, maybe not. Finally this week this is my favorite Top 10 of the year because it’s time for our 4th annual Stupidest State contest! And we kick off the games with our NFFSA presentation of Selection Sunday! Yes, we will give you all the states, stats, odds, and info you need to fill out your brackets and select our 4th annual Stupidest State winner! Plus the palate cleanser, we have some live music from our good friends 311 have returned and they are celebrating their semi-annual celebration of all things 311 on the Las Vegas Strip! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Corona Virus Hysteria
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The Corona Virus is absolutely dominating the news this week. As such, it takes up the top spot this week on the list. Of course when something goes viral this fast, things get weird. And if you are in the Trump world, everything that he is doing is fine, because Trump is every god in the book according the Trumpers, and everything else is a conspiracy against him. No, there’s no conspiracies here. The only thing working against Trump is some complete and utter incompetence, and it’s really starting to show, so the only people in denial are Trump’s biggest fans. It’s like the Corona slogan “Life’s a beach”, well, in this case, life's a beach, then you die, and you can fuck right off. And really, you don’t hand off the keys to a guy who will steer the ship right off the cliff and that’s exactly what Trump did to Mike Pence.





Oh yeah this is fine. But here’s why you don’t put a guy like Mike Pence in charge of eradicating an evolving threat like the Corona Virus. He’s not very good at it! Pence can be “very confident” all he wants, but putting him in charge is like giving a blindfolded monkey a bunch of darts and expecting him to hit a dart board. Sure, he’ll try, but he will hit everything but the target no matter how many darts he has. But let’s look at Pence’s track record on diseases.





Oh and fuck you, Trump. Not everything that happens against you is a personal attack brought on by the other side. It’s your own incompetence that is to blame!! The sad thing is that this whole thing could have been prevented. But it’s gross incompetence and the US media’s tendencies for over the top theatrics that is making this that much worse. And let’s not forget that Trump gutted the funding for the CDC. Then blames it on everyone else.





Damn right!!! Funny that the people who accuse the other side of politicizing a tragedy are the ones politicizing a tragedy. Is it sad that we have to get our news from the president at one of his MAGA campaign rallies? It’s like watching a really bad stand up comedian who bombs at the chuckle hut and somehow gets promoted to selling out Madison Square Garden. Oh wait, I don’t have to, that guy is Sebastian Manascalco. They might as well just say that we’re on our own and it’s every man and woman for themselves. But one thing – it’s not Mexico’s fault, jackass.






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[font size="8"]CPAC Recap
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You know there was quite a lot to unpack from the last week. What happened? There was a deadly disease that’s spreading around the world… you had Public Enemy break up, there’s a giant election in California that could decide the next president… oh yeah! There was the annual gathering of the deplorables known as the Conservative Political Action Committee, which this year got overshadowed by a hip hop group from the fucking 1980s! Lost in the news was all the insanity going down in Washington, DC which included an appearance from everyone’s favorite conspiracy theorist Alex Jones in his armored tank.





Excuse me a minute… but that wasn’t the only batshit crazy thing that happened at CPAC this year, it was exactly the shit show that everybody expected it was going to be. So of course if you follow the GOP lately, like I do, you know that they view Trump as a deity and anyone who opposes him as a socialist Satan worshipper. But who’s the real economic threat? If you ask conservatives, it’s not billionaires like Jeff Bezos or Charles Koch. They have a much different opinion. Hold your boos.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Shut up!!! Do you guys even know what the idea of socialism is? We have socialism but for the billionaires. Come on, you guys have the fucking Daily Caller as a moderator. You might as well have the KKK moderate. And there’s no coup going on here either, not everything that happens is a personal affluent to Trump, OK? If you think that’s insane, wait until you see how they treat one of their own!





Uh oh, Mitt Romney had an independent thought! That’s bad for the cult! You know that’s one thing – if you join our side, we have all the cool celebrities! If you join the conservative side, you have to put up with dipshits like Charlie Kirk and Kid Rock. And by the way, in case you’re wondering where their Socialist Derangement Syndrome is showing, they are terrified at the mere mention of the word “socialist”. It’s their kryptonite. Oh be afraid, GOP, be very afraid!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Let’s take a look at the relationship between India and the United States. The two countries are undergoing a dynamic shift in culture and thanks to social media propaganda, are shifting extremely far to the right. So why does India love Trump? Well as John Oliver pointed out, Trump and India’s PM Modi have a lot in common. They’re both loved and supported by nationalist extremists and they’re both self-centered egomaniacs who spend a lot of time on social media. That said, the differences between the two are uncanny. The only difference is that Trump doesn’t exactly participate in state sanctioned murder, at least not yet. We hope it doesn’t come to that.





You first. Come on, we elected the meanest, most self-centered jackass in American history. But is it any wonder why we’re going to shit? Trump isn’t just a side effect he’s the problem. Don’t worry, we will get to what he did with the food in a minute. But Trump’s idea of diplomacy isn’t exactly bringing what one would call “peace and good will”. Instead, Trump’s level of diplomacy is chaos and destruction. Think the Gotham riot scene in the Joker movie.





Trump is the Arthur Fleck of presidents. If he actually did shoot someone on 5th Avenue, I could guarantee that he could utter the line “YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!” and it would not feel out of place! And guess what? With all that diplomacy they got very little to show for it. It was pretty much a MAGA rally in another country and it began and ended nearly the same as that rally in New Jersey a couple weeks ago did – disappointed fans and large piles of trash.






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[font size="8"]Public Enemy Vs Bernie Sanders
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There’s no debating that Bernie Sanders is arguably the most polarizing candidate of this or any presidential election cycle. Those that love Bernie, reeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly love Bernie (see: Top 10 #8-7 ) and those that hate Bernie, well, they really hate him. I actually had the privilege of attending the rally in Los Angeles this week where the shit show between Public Enemy and long time collaborator and founding member Flavor Flav (FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAV!!!!) clashed for what may be the final time in their career. I mean really if Bernie can’t keep Public Enemy together, how is he going to unite the country? Seriously, I’m asking for a friend. Although when you look at it, one wonders how Chuck D and Flavor Flav did anything together, let alone for 37 fucking years. That is a long ass time to do anything! So here’s what went down.





FLAVOR FLAV!!! Holy shit, I think the craziest thing about this story is that Flavor Flav is 59 years old, damn! That means that Public Enemy has been a band as long as I have been alive! But here’s where this story escalated quickly. Public Enemy states that their dispute with Flavor Flav wasn’t about politics. Uh, what? I mean it’s Chuck D, pretty much everything he does is about politics. Shit, I remember when he hosted that Air America show way back when that was a thing.





And in case Flavor Flav didn’t already regret this decision, well, he’s got a much different story than what Chuck D was telling the press. Now at this point you might be asking “HEY! Isn’t this supposed to be Top 10 *CONSERVATIVE* Idiots?”. And I answer you – this is my show, I get to talk about whatever the hell I want, damn it, and I was at this rally. So that said, here’s what Flavor Flav had to say.





Dude, seriously, Chuck D, you should have just given him a severance package and a gold watch, he’s probably already eligible for retirement. Hey come on, I kid. I’m not age shaming. But the disputes going between the two should probably stop. And Flavor Flav don’t do free benefits, that’s just the way he rolls. So who approved of what and where is this going? Well the answer is very polarizing.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The philosophy of “garbage in, garbage out” is certainly one that is not sustainable, and it doesn’t matter if it’s plants, humans, animals or the environment. And it certainly doesn’t help that the man who leads the United States Of America engages in this philosophy. Since the President’s trip to India, there have been some alarming revelations about what he eats on a daily basis. And none of it is good in any way, shape or form. In fact, what Trump eats on a daily basis is what you should teach your children not to eat. And when he went to India, the meal that they attempted to make for him didn’t exactly go over well with him. Which, as you can imagine, we are not at all shocked by.





That sounds about right for the presidential diet. Now translate this to his trip to India last week, where things didn’t exactly go as planned when it came to meal time. As you can imagine Indian food is very vegetarian heavy, and Trump is mainly a meat eater. So when they attempted to serve Trump a vegetarian food, naturally it didn’t go over very well. In fact, it, like just about everything else from that trip to India, was the disaster everyone called it out to be.





So the President Of The United States essentially acted like a toddler when he was supposed to try new foods. Is anyone really surprised? Now here’s where it all comes into focus. Donald Trump of course acts like a 73 year old child in just about every aspect of his life. He is a fussy eater, he’s a bully, and he wants everything to be about him. So how do you treat a fussy eater? Well, you hide vegetables in his diet, and that did not go over very well.





Unfortunately, Trump’s diet is not that simple. Just like a toddler, Trump has to be embarrassingly force fed vegetables. And he will most likely pick around them. But let’s ask someone who knows a thing or two about being force fed food, and that’s Ethan Suplee of the TV show “My Name Is Earl”. Since the show ended, he has been a champion on the diet and weight loss circuit after losing a shocking amount of weight and transforming his body. But then, he argues that some people can’t be changed, and it looks like Trump is one of those people.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Wichita! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! There is mass hysteria right now and I think we all need to remain calm. But no, I don’t see that happening in the near future. Because there is a dreaded, deadly virus that is coming our way. No, I’m not talking about the disease known as SATANism. I’m talking about the disease known as the Coronavirus. Because the news of the virus has gone mainstream and there’s lots of disinformation out there. And we don’t need a product of the Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, making things worse. But Mr. Bakker, is a man who is no stranger to conning people. And cons are not good in the eyes of our good LAWRD JAYSUS! When you are seeking a cure for the Coronavirus, don’t fall for scams like this. Go see a real doctor, people!





Hey wait a minute, why is my skin turning blue and my hair falling out? If only there were some kind of miracle cure. Damn you Brother Jim!!! What? Of course we’re allowed to swear in my church here. I believe in freedom of speech! But in case you’re wondering – no, there is no such thing as a silver cure for Coronavirus. If you’re going to ask then you are most likely in the wrong place, sir or madam!





Well speaking of that, good Reverend, now, if modern medicine isn’t helping and turning to the good LAWRD JAYSUS isn’t helping, then what is? Well that’s where we come in! See here’s the thing – a deadly virus like the Coronavirus doesn’t take sides, it doesn’t care whether or not you got SAVED or not, it don’t matter. But can we pray away the Coronavirus or will it simply ignore us? Well, here’s one absolutely insane theory.





Well that won’t work, especially when you consider that the man who the Dark One has put in charge of eradicating this deadly disease was responsible for brought about the worst HIV outbreak in the state’s history! And that is something that the GOOD LAWRD will not tolerate! Nor will the good LAWRD JAYSUS tolerate stupidity of this magnitude. I mean even the Center For Disease Control is saying that this is complete and utter madness!





Could this be the beginning of the rapture? Well I always thought it was going to be a horrible, fiery apocalypse. Instead it’s a trip to the fish market! I have figured it out everybody!! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Google Vs Prager University
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Ever since the demise of Trump University in 2010 when it went belly up for bankruptcy issues (shocker), there’s been a number of fake universities peddling tons of misinformation vying to take it’s place. Well, we’ve found the one university that might be able to take its’ place and put Trump University to shame. And neither of these two things are easy to do! That “university” is called Prager U, founded by ultra conservative right wing talk show host Dennis Prager. Just like Trump University, Prager U has no central campus. Also, just like Trump University, Prager U is not an accredited college in any way, shape or form. Both universities exist entirely online. But there’s a huge difference between the two conservative “universities”. Trump University was out to scam regular students into what they thought was getting a degree in the real estate business. Prager U, on the other hand, is out to scam our social media outlets.





You know there’s been no mistake that since Trump got elected to office, conservatives have been on a warpath against social media companies. We’ve pointed this out in Top 10 #5-2, when conservatives had Mark Zuckerberg testify on Capitol Hill about a bizarre conspiracy known as “shadow banning”. That’s not a thing. What is a thing is conservatives trolling social media sites to get their messages of hate and racism out in the open. Sorry to break it to you guys, but that’s private industry and they have the right to police the content they want. And in case you’re wondering what kind of person Dennis Prager is, well, this is not at all shocking.



?noredirect

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Fucking A we don’t give a damn about that word! See, unlike you guys, we actually embrace diversity. We care about having a variety of opinions from all different walks of life. Just look at the range of opinions on Fox News. White man, white man, white man, old white man, bald white man, fat white man. And maybe an attractive blonde woman or two wearing short skirts thrown in for good measure. And don’t forget Jeannie Pirro, who probably thinks that animals getting tortured is funny, we don’t know. We’re just guessing. But there is one thing conservatives waging war on social media websites just can’t wrap their head around – they can police their own content!





No, diversity is not an old wooden ship from the Civil War era. But in case you’re wondering where the content for the conservative-based “university” comes from, if you say that it’s from shady sources, well, you are absolutely correct! Here’s the thing Prager U, you can talk all the shit you want about social media websites censoring conservatives. But as many a girlfriend would say “It’s not me, it’s you!”, and it is so much you! If you want to be taken seriously, altering your data to present a conservative viewpoint while trying to amp up the hysteria surrounding something that is really nothing is not exactly how one should go about doing things. I mean come on, how can you take something seriously when they got Yakov Smirnov as a guest lecturer?






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[font size="8"]NO!: Corona Virus Stupidity
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The Corona Virus is dominating the news right now. It’s like the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, or the Korean boy band BTS – no matter where you turn, you can’t look away from these things. And like both of these things, there will be some weird guy in the comments section who is posting and spamming a video of scantily clad Korean dancers trying to get the views up... HEY! STOP IT! GO AWAY!!! SHOO!! Let me just block and report that guy. And when that happens, well, people get stupid. And when people get stupid, you can bet that things will get weird in a hurry. And you want to know how a story involving a deadly disease spreads? About as fast as the disease itself. Well let’s examine all the stupidity surrounding the Coronavirus, because it’s quite the stuff of insanity. It’s not just that the Coronavirus is a thing, but nobody wants anything having to do with the name “Corona” itself, like Corona Beer for instance. Just because it has the Corona name in it does not mean that it’s automatically associated with the Coronavirus, OK? I live right next to Corona, California and I still sit in traffic on the 91 freeway everyday for 3 hours in that city, and I still have to go there!





Yes, people, stop acting so stupid. And the reason why we act stupid in a time like this is because we have no emotional intelligence. Yes, that is a thing. When our emotions run high, we go crazy. it’s human nature. There’s plenty of reasons not to drink Corona beer. For one thing, it’s shitty beer. I mean really shitty beer. The only reason you should have Corona in your refrigerator is to use it to cook with when the recipe calls for a Mexican beer, or to pour one out for your homies. But here’s how insane this has become. Let’s look at Japan, where the TV manufacturer Sharp stopped producing TVs and stopped producing masks.





Oh come on, we can’t buy flat screens in the month of March 2020? Now how am I going to find out how the Los Angeles Wildcats lost to the New York Defenders by 3 lousy points? You should have gone for that weird 4 point conversion rule, LA! But at least the Surgeon General is proving to be one of the few sane voices in this otherwise insane administration. Because he is saying that masks might actually make the situation worse!





Thank you miss! It’s not enough that the surgeon general is telling people that the masks are completely fucking useless, it’s that the worst thing to come out of this whole thing is sheer, utter , total incompetence! And things aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse. But let’s make one thing clear – there are 3,000 cases right now. In a world where there is 6 BILLION people. Keep calm, everyone, and pull your heads out of each other’s asses. Ooh, I like that graphic. But self isolation definitely isn’t the way to go.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: RIP Mad Mike
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Folks here in Kansas, it’s my first time here, and I could really use a drink!



When the news gets too dark, the only solution is to kick back with a glass of your favorite beverage of choice and talk about literally anything else. Well, sadly I wish I had better news, but this week, we are saluting the accomplishments of Mike Hughes. Now you might be thinking, “where do I know that name from”? And I answer you – he’s the member of the Flat Earth Society known as “Mad Mike”. We were first introduced to Mad Mike in Idiots #3-24 when he first attempted to shoot to the moon in a homemade rocket. Well, tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about the Flat Earth Society? A flat martini? I think I’ll have an actual martini thanks, and plenty of them! So how did our friend Mad Mike meet his fate? Well the phrase “homemade rocket” immediately is suspect. Also the phrase “self-taught rocket science”. Where did he get that knowledge from? Watching Wile E Coyote cartoons?





Dude, you don’t have to go into space to prove that the earth is flat. There’s this thing we have called “the sun” and “the moon” that are in the sky that are round. And if I recall my physics classes, that’s exactly what the first astronomers used to disprove this theory over a thousand years ago! Now, we give groups like the Flat Earth Society a whole bunch of shit and they deserve it. But Mad Mike and his sad tragic demise aside, the Flat Society has grown in leaps and bounds in the last 3 years!





That is a good point. Mad Mike is a reminder that misinformation can not only hurt people emotionally, it can also literally kill you, as we have seen here in this story. But in trying to find stories on Mad Mike for this piece, I also had an interesting thought. And that is why do people who believe the earth is flat also support Trump’s proposed Space Force? Yeah that’s weird ven diagram of people isn’t it? That would be like if you asked Weight Watchers members what their favorite brand of quadruple cheeseburger is. I have my own opinion. It’s Wendys. Just because they’re square.





Whoa whoa whoa… they had to get actual Ph.D level physicists involved in this? I mean just… wow, that is completely insane. But just like all insane conspiracy theories, it is definitely dark in nature. And I could really go on all day about how insane the Flat Earth Society it. They’re just like any other group of crazy people out there. But when we think of Mad Mike and the Flat Earth society, we’ve got a long way to go to dispel all the media disinformation out there. But that said, Mad Mike, we salute you!






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to commence the 4th annual Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State contest! The National For Fuck’s Sake Association is back for another go-round with all four corners of conservative idiocy being represented: god, guns, greed, and pure batshit insanity! Last year we had quite the upset when Alabama stunned Florida and went on to win the tournament! What will happen this year? Just about anything goes! There will be 16 teams throughout this great United States of ours all vying for control of that most coveted of prizes: The Delay Trophy, named after NFFSA Hall Of Famer Tom Delay, who took his state of Texas to an unprecedented 8 consecutive titles during the George Bush administration. Now we go to the beautiful Ace Hotel in Los Angeles, California for the kick off ceremony and Selection Sunday!



[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome welcome welcome!!! It is my honor and privilege to be doing this for the fourth year in a row representing this fine organization and these fine teams. Of course before we kick this thing off, I want to congratulate last year’s winner, Alabama, again for a job well done! You represent the kind of conservative idiocy needed to win the tournament. Of course previous winners including Texas and Florida are no slouches either, they are also shining examples. Now as always, allow me to go over the rules of the contest. For the first round, it will be consisting of 2 rounds each week with 4 teams duking it out. Then in round 2, it will expand to two teams each week for the Elite 8 as it gets paired down to the Final Four. Round 3 will have 4 teams in two matches and the championship will have the last two teams standing get down to it. Of course, since we do encourage gambling, we will provide you with your own bracket and all the states, states, odds and info that you need to fill it out. Now let’s do this thing!!!



[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference[/font]



Since 1952, the Batshit Conference has the distinction of being the oldest and largest conference in the NFFSA. Consisting of a whopping 18 states, all flinging the finest guano at each other, and you never know what is going to happen! These states elect the craziest politicians to the game and they have an electorate to match their insanity. When you’re in the batshit conference, you don’t know whether or not your vote was cast or if your local police officers murdered an innocent man in his car during a routine traffic stop. It’s also the conference where armored tanks roam through the streets shouting social media propaganda and gun nuts roam the state capitol buildings armed with AR-15s and AK-47s. The Batshit Conference: Proudly bringing the insanity since 1952!

1. Virginia: Virginia may be for lovers, but it is also for some of the most insane things to happen in the country. Whether it’s angry teenage white boys rioting in Charlottesville carrying tiki torches and wearing uniforms that wouldn’t look out of place in a used car showroom, or gun nuts protesting liberal policies at the capital, you can bet that Virginia is always there to provide some entertainment and comic relief!
Smoking Gun: Jerry Falwell Jr has a completely insane plan to annex counties from Virginia and give them to West Virginia in a poorly named and poorly thought out plan called “Vexit”.
Odds: 2:1 – Virginia was one of the strongest teams in the regular season and they have the strength and drive to go far, earning them the top spot!

2. Kentucky: The home of everyone’s favorite senator that they love to hate, Mitch McConnell, is showing no signs of slowing down. In fact they may have fired their coach Matt Bevin, but Kentucky still has a long way to go before it can be flipped. But the Bluegrass State never fails to bring the crazy, and expect them to bring the crazy extra hard in the tournament!
Smoking Gun: Matt Bevin used his powers of pardoning to pardon a child rapist because – quote – her hyman was intact! Creeeeeeeeeeeepy.
Odds: 7:1 – While they are going up against one of the best teams in the tournament, Kentucky is always full of surprises and could advance in an upset!

3. Idaho: After a relatively quiet showing in the Gun Nut Conference last year, Idaho reexamined its' place in the tournament, changed conferences, and recruited a whole bunch of fresh new talent. The Gem State is also a very heavily rural state. And with rural living comes a lot of hardcore drugs and crystal meth laced insanity. But if a controversial plan to annex half of Oregon goes through, Idaho could become an even larger state!
Smoking Gun: Oregon’s gun nuts are so fed up that they’re considering leaving and joining Idaho.
Odds: 10-1. Idaho had a strong regular season and they could pull off an unexpected surprise but don’t count on it.

4. South Carolina: Another newcomer to the tournament. The home of Lindsay Graham has had no shortage of good old fashioned fire and brimstone conservative insanity. It’s a melting pot of hardcore evangelism, hardcore racism, gun nut insanity, and extreme fiscal irresponsibility. Not to mention they still love the Confederacy even in 2020!
Smoking Gun: Mike Pitts, a South Carolinian state representative with a history of being a staunch defender o f the Confederacy, was a Trump appointee for a judicial position.
Odds: 5:1 – South Carolina pulled out a last second win to secure a high seed in the tournament, expect them to go far!

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference[/font]



Welcome to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, where going for broke isn’t just a way of life, some consider it to be a contact sport. Since 1952, all of these teams are sponsored by Koch Industries. Along with other billionaire families like the Waltons and the DeVos family. You’re drowning in student debt while your boss is buying his sixth Maserati and enjoying a day of golf out at the country club. You’re in the negatives, your boss is out there burning money like the Joker in the Dark Knight. The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Proudly going for broke since 1952!

1. Michigan: The Wolverine State is always a show boater and a conference favorite in this race. They were once the backbone of the US economy, but since the US auto industry went bye bye, so did the city of Detroit. And their neighbors in Flint aren’t exactly doing what one would call prosperous business either. Will they go far in the tournament? Only one way to find out!
Smoking Gun: The manufacturing city of Battle Creek spent a whopping $93,000 for a Trump rally back in December and has yet to pay it back.
Odds: 2-1. They have upgraded their team in the offseason and got some very strong defenders, expect them to go far!

2. Pennsylvania: The Keystone State is home to two of America’s largest cities – Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. It’s also home to some crippling, Koch induced debt. While the major cities are home to some of the biggest businesses in America, rural Pennsylvania is home to the coal mines. Which with extreme climate change affecting the entire world, people aren’t exactly buying the “Clean Coal” argument these days.
Smoking Gun: Pennsylvania’s economy is hurting so badly that the Roman Catholic dioceses filed for bankruptcy!
Odds: 5-1: They are another team that got hot at the right time. They have a strongly upgraded defense, and they could be a major upset if healthy!

3. Tennessee: The Volunteer State missed out on last year’s tournament but they are back and ready to tangle! The home to the Smoky Mountains is also the home of some serious coal mining towns run by some seriously shady crooks. But that’s not all, some extreme fiscal irresponsibility is making Tennessee a surefire contender to win the conference.
Smoking Gun: An organization that tracks state spending has figured out that Tennessee has over $1 billion that it could spend on needy families but hasn’t!
Odds: 10:1 – They had a few injuries and stumbled a bit in the regular season. But if key players get healthy before the tournament starts, they could go all the way!

4. Nebraska:: A newcomer to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, Nebraksa is home to farmland as far as the eye can see. It’s also the home to some extreme industrialization that’s polluting the atmosphere. Nebraska’s chief export may be corn, but there’s nothing corny about the financial situation that their mostly hard right governors and representatives have got them into. See what I did there?
Smoking Gun: The University Of Nebraska outpatient center is so hurting that Madonna (yes, that Madonna) sponsored a wing to the total of $4 million.
Odds: 15-1: They are an underdog in the tournament as the experts expected them not to be here, but they did it and could be an upset happening!

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference[/font]



Armageddon days are here again! Well, they most certainly are if you live in the Gun Nut Conference! In these states, while you are busy figuring out which bucket of heavily preserved slop to add to your doomsday shelter, others are stockpiling weapons and ammo and driving through the streets in custom built armored cars! You have 50 rounds of ammo ready to shoot? Well the other guy has 500! And yes it’s the states where “pistol whip” is a dessert topping. It’s the conference where the ongoing debate between concealed carry and open carry could be considered a contact sport! It’s the conference where Dirty Harry is considered a documentary and then everyone and everyone is packing heat including your mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers… oh you don’t think Great Gam Gam is packing some heat? If only I had some kind of device I could use. The Gun Nut Conference: Proudly shooting first and asking questions later since 1952!

1. Oregon: Oregon got an upgraded team this year mainly because of how vigilant the Proud Boys were against those dreaded Antifa protestors in downtown Portland. But outside of Portland? Why you can guarantee that America’s farmers are packing some serious heat and prepping some hotel quality doomsday shelters in preps for the coming end times!
Smoking Gun: Oregon’s gun nuts are so fed up with Oregon’s leadership that there’s actually a plan similar to Virginia to annex Oregon counties and give them to… Idaho!
Odds: 5:1 – They have had some injuries during the regular season but they are always full of surprises. Could they go far? Only time will tell!

2. Florida: Florida *ALWAYS* has a strong showing in this conference because they are home to some extremely crazy felons, cons, ex-cons, and meth addicts, all of whom are packing some serious heat. Yes, they are known to have a mass shooting or two. But the addition of the always entertaining Florida Man prove that the Sunshine State is always fun to watch!
Smoking Gun: On the two year anniversary of the Parkland shooting, Florida is quietly advancing a bill that could allow guns in church!
Odds: 7:1 – Last year’s stunning loss to Alabama proved just how volatile having Florida Man on your team is. But you never know what could happen!

3. New Mexico: The state that gave us both Walter White and Nick Fury is no stranger to guns and heat. Especially heat considering that they live in a freaking desert! So of course 110 degree temperatures and very little to no moisture is going to screw with your head. In fact New Mexico’s gun nuts are so out of control that the government is taking measures to prevent things from escalating!
Smoking Gun: You know the first state that actually could take your guns away? New Mexico if their firearm seizure bill gets passed!
Odds: 3:1 – The desert warriors are new to this division, but they are no slouches when it comes to shooting both their mouths and their guns off ! Expect them to go far!

4. Missouri: The Show Me State is back for another go round! The state that is the home of Ferguson that gave birth to the Black Lives Matter movement, is no stranger to being surrounded by the almighty firearm. Sure, Missouri has Kansas City (which may or may not be in Kansas according to a certain president) and St. Louis and the inner cities and rural farmers are packing some serious heat! A second amendment heaven for absolutionists!
Smoking Gun: Missouri is debating a bill in the House that would allow concealed carry operators to carry guns on college campuses. What could go wrong?
Odds: 5:1 – Missouri has an upgraded defense from last year, but injuries plagued them during the regular season. A win over New Mexico would be a major upset!

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference[/font]



When you’re coveting your neighbor’s goods and bearing false witness, the only place to go is to head to your local house of worship and repent those sins, you godless heathens! It’s the conference where you can go pray to god one minute and then feed your vice the next. And the people in these states care more about a person when they are in the womb than when they are out of it. That’s right, while you are incubating in your mother’s uterus, the Christian right will do everything to protect you. And debating between the first and third trimester abortions and consulting the opinion of an actual doctor is considered sacrilege. But when you are out, you are on your own! It’s the states where Jon Bon Jovi is replaced with Toby Mac on the radio and your TV can’t say any icky words. The Family Values Conference: Proudly praying to god and preying on those who can’t help themselves since 1952!

1. Alabama: Last year’s NFFSA champions are back and they are better than ever. After pulling off a stunning upset against Flyover League champions Florida, they got a massive upgrade thanks to some trades at the trade deadline. Alabama’s worshippers are praying to their god daily and getting it done.
Smoking Gun: The 85 year old Senate candidate you love to be creeped out by, Roy Moore, is back to take on Doug Jones, and he is naturally tanking in the polls. If only there were some way to save him!
Odds: 2:1 – The odds on favorite to win the Family Values Conference is ready to take on the league’s best, and they can do some serious damage in this tournament!

2. Oklahoma: The Sooner State has been through some real Family Values shit in the last 100 years including race riots, and of course Trump. But now they’re back and ready to tangle with the best of the best in the league. And now they have a Trump-loving family values advocate for governor with the addition of Kevin Stitt, they have a governor who is ready to tangle!
Smoking Gun: A little known loophole in Oklahoma’s abortion laws says that it forces doctors to lie, which one clinic caught them red handed!
Odds: 10:1 – They’re going up against Alabama. They could win, but it would be a long shot and a huge upset if they did.

3. Ohio: The Buckeye State is no stranger to Family Values scrutiny and has been the home of some of the country’s worst sex crimes, made of course even worse by the fact that have elected and re-elected Jim Jordan, a Congressional representative who has actively tried to hide some absolutely horrifying sex crimes at one of this country’s most prestigious universities, Ohio State.
Smoking Gun: There’s allegations that Jim Jordan may have told multiple wrestlers at Ohio State to lie repeatedly about the abuse they were going through!
Odds: 5:1 – They can go far in this tournament due to the Ohio State scandal, but there’s plenty of other family values atrocities that take place in the Buckeye State all the way!

4. Indiana: The Hoosier State is always a Family Values champion. Of course you know them as the home of our current vice president Mike Pence. They are the home of Notre Dame University and one of the highest concentrations of Catholic churches in the country. Which means lots of potential for some crazy abuse scandals. Indiana is also a hotbed of anti-abortion idiocy where you can be arrested for just thinking about it! Well, not really. But we’re getting there!
Smoking Gun: There’s a plan pushed by Indiana pro-life conservatives to push through anti-abortion bills that have already failed in the state senate. Fool me once, shame on you! fool me twice, you know.
Odds: 10:1 – A true underdog in the tournament for sure, but with the right strength, Indiana could pull off a major upset in the tournament!

[font size="6"]The Schedule:[/font]



[font size="6"]The Bracket:[/font]



[font size="6"]Next Week:[/font]

There is no next week. But when we come back on March 18th, it’s show time! Round 1 Week 1 will be live in Denver, Colorado at the home of the Denver Nuggets, Pepsi Center, for all the first round action action action! Featuring the number one team in the nation Virginia, battling neighbors Kentucky in a Battle For The Batshit! Meanwhile, over in Family Values country, the reigning champion Alabama takes on hot division winner Oklahoma! Stay tuned for all the excitement!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]311[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of our favorites here at the Top 10. And they are here promoting their epic 311 Day concert at the Park Theater in Las Vegas March 11 – 13. Playing their song “Good Feeling” from their album Voyager, give it up for 311!





Thank you Wichita! We are off next week, I am taking a much needed break. We will be back on 3/18 in Norman, Oklahoma at the University Of Oklahoma, for the kickoff of Stupidest State 2020! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Wichita State, Wichita, KS
Special Thanks To: Wichita State University
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: The Rock Church Band, Wichita, KS
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
311 Appear Courtesy Of: BMG Rights Management
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 26, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-8: 4 Pardons & A Penance Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-8: 4 Pardons & A Penance Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up University Of Wisconsin? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Next week you guys, Stupidest State 2020! Are you ready? I know I am! I cannot wait for the return of the NFFSA this year and I promise it's going to be a good one! And I can also guarantee that it will be more entertaining to watch than your local XFL team is this season! Too soon? Ah who am I kidding? It's so easy to make fun of the XFL isn't it? Do we have time for the thing? So Leap Day is this Saturday everybody! Yes, it’s that magical day that happens only once every 4 years when we gather to worship Leap Day William. Oh wait, that was on 30 Rock. No, it’s that extra day of the year that happens once every 4 years. And if you’re looking for something to do, why not get married… IN HELL!!! Yes, the town of Hell, Michigan, which only has a population of 72, has a deal for you. You can get married – for FREE – at the tiny chapel in Hell, Michigan. Because I mean come on, what happy couple out there wouldn’t want to say that they got married in hell? Although let’s face it – you’re in Michigan in February. Under about 6 feet of snow. That pretty much is the definition of hell in my book! Hey o!!! But there of course is a catch – it’s a mass wedding. And come on, what good can come from a mass wedding, am I right? But the real hell is for your outside guests – because like I said they’re in the middle of Michigan – in February. Want a white wedding? Well this will be a really white wedding! OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to but first John Oliver is back and he catches up with the high crimes and misdemeanors from India’s Najendra Modi and the rise in Hindu nationalism is particularly scary:



Another week, another round of conservative insanity and lunacy. In the first slot this week, is of course the guy who we currently call “president”, Donald J. Trump (1), and now that he’s been vindicated, he thinks he can let a whole bunch of his criminal buddies off the hook, most troubling is former Illinois governor and con man Rod Blagojevich (BLAGO!!!). Where is Jon Stewart when you need him? In the second slot this week is Julian Assange (2). And some extremely troubling new revelations from ex-communicated former California representative, Dana Rohrabacher point to a Trump pardon if Assange engaged in some election tampering at Russia’s expense. Shit just got real! In the third slot this week, is Bill Barr (3). He’s been dropping hints that he might resign due to Trump’s incessant tweeting and interfering with DOJ investigations, but will he really? Only one way to find out! Taking the fourth slot this week is the Alt Right (4). Alt Right snowflakes are melting down after “Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennett, who became famous for taking her AR-15 to her Kent State graduation ceremony, went to Ohio University and was met with a mob. Or was it a mob? The level of intensity varies depending on who you talk to about the incident. In slot #5 this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and why were Delta Airlines passengers allowed to board a flight to Kona, Hawaii when they were possibly infected with the Corona Virus? And why weren’t they stopped? Our crack investigative team will get to the bottom of this subject! At slot #6 this week of course is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and this week’s sermon – is faith based tourism coming to an end? Our resident pastor discusses what’s going on at Orlando’s “Holy Land Experience” theme park and other religious tourist destinations! In slot #7 this week is the return of one of our favorite segments – “Explaining Jokes To Idiots” (7) and this week, over the top daytime talk show host Wendy Williams is under fire for a disgusting joke about the murder of Drew Carey’s ex fiancé, and we’re reminded of another incident that happened last year involving the band NOFX! At slot #8, we have a new edition of “This Fucking Guy” and we’re going to profile Frank Amedia (8), the creator of a super far right pro-Trump prayer group called “POTUS Shield”, and whew, this guy is insane! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9), and what are people bringing on planes? There’s everything from tents to miniature ponies, stop it people, just stop it! Finally this week, our segment that is our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”, is coming to an end. Now don’t be sad! We start Stupidest State next week! But before we go, we are going to talk about the madness that went down at the Democratic debates. Plus the palate cleanser for listening to my bullshit, we have some live music for you from heavy metal supergroup Sons Of Apollo! Buy their new album MMXX, or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Rod Blagojevich
[br] [/font] [br]

Remember when we used to just lock crooks up? I miss those days. But with a crook in charge it seems like all the criminals who got locked up before him are now getting off the hook. Perhaps the most famous of these is former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. BLAGO!!!! Yeah where is Jon Stewart when you need him? Yes, I understood that reference. But this week Trump pardoned a whole bunch of criminals who got locked up, mostly for financial crimes, but the most troubling of this bizarre series of pardons is most definitely Blago himself. And when you see the group that Trump included Blago in, well, it gets worse and worse!





Aw… poor baby! He served in jail a long time? Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! Man, conservatives can dish it out but they sure as hell can’t take it. By the way if you want to see the company that Trump keeps, not only did he pardon Blagojevich, he also pardoned people like former San Francisco Giants owner Edward DeBartolo, Jr, who was busted for fraud. And former NYPD commissioner Bernie Kerik, also busted for fraud. Or financial kingpin Michael Milkin, also busted for fraud. I’m sensing a patten here but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Oh wait.





Except that there is no bad court thingy here. Trump pardoned a bunch of fraudsters, hucksters and scam artists. If we extrapolate this, does that mean that Trump is a fraudster himself? Of course everyone in this audience already knew that! But let’s go back to that thing that Trump said about him not knowing Rod Blagojevich. YES YOU DID!!! He was on the Celebrity Apprentice!! Kiss Trump’s ass and it is a get out of jail free card!





Ah yes, Celebrity Apprentice – the show where Meatloaf and Gary Busey practically murder each other over art supplies and former governors get fired for doing some poor research on Harry Potter. This is such a great time to be alive isn’t it? But there is an interesting development in all of these pardons – it turns out that they could have a huge damper in the GOP’s election strategy in Illinois – a key swing state, because Rod Blagojevich is considered persona non grata in that state!






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[font size="8"]Julian Assange
[br] [/font] [br]

Is quid pro quo a crime or is it not a crime? Well this isn’t so much an act of quid pro quo as it is a complete and total clusterfuck. And of course if former California representative Dana Rohrabacher (R-Kremlin) were one of the witnesses in the impeachment trial against Donald J. Trump, then this could have serious implications. Just because Trump was implicated on two crimes does not excuse him from the other 100,000,000 he’s accused of! And it doesn’t take a Harvard educated lawyer to figure that one out! So what happened between Rohrabacher, Assange, and Trump? Calling this entire thing a “clusterfuck” is a misnomer if there ever was one!





Yeah that’s kind of what trying to figure out this whole thing is like. So Assange was offered a pardon if he could clean up the hacking mess and say that it didn’t happen? After seeing the shape he left the Ecuadorian embassy in, asking Assange to clean something up would be like hiring Walter White’s pest control service to kill your bugs. Kills bugs dead! So how did this whole thing go down?





This whole thing is absolutely fucking crazy. And why is this already page 6 news? This should be on the front page with big, bold headlines highlighting that there was a former Congressmen in all of this and that the entire administration was in on it! These guys are completely insane. And come on, it’s Trump, he’ll give you a pardon and you don’t have to do anything! Just have your lips firmly placed on Trump’s ass! And his ass is big, it needs a lot of kissing!





Please!! And come on, if you think this whole Assange thing is bad, just wait until you see what he has in place for Roger Stone! Instead of 4 weddings and a funeral, this is 4 pardons and a penance. Getting the R next to your name is basically a get out of jail free card when they’re the most corrupt and out of control administration in American history? Yeah break the law and you get a slap on the wrist!






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[font size="8"]Bill Barr
[br] [/font] [br]

See here’s the thing Bill, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it! When you work for an unstable man child like our president, @realDonaldTrump, he’s going to break the rules and treat you like shit. It just goes with the territory. But there’s been lots of calls for our Attorney General, Bill Barr, to resign. The Trump administration has created a revolving door and an absolute mockery of the highest institutions in the USA. Doesn’t matter if it’s the Attorney General, the State Department, or even the White House janitor. Well, given Trump’s diet, I would hate to have that job! But why does Bill Barr suddenly have a beef with Trump over his tweets?





Well yeah actually Bill is the guy who is in the wrong here! Stop saying wrong!!! But come on Bill, are you serious? Have you seen @realDonaldTrump’s Twitter feed? Dude, he’s calling Adam Schiif an idiot right now! Oh look he used “Shifty Schiff” again! What a remarkably clever stable genius he is! And if you need any further proof that these two are stable, functioning geniuses who should be in charge of the highest levels, just check this out!





Dude, Bill, we need to have an intervention here. When 1,100 of your fellow attorneys are calling on you to resign, you should probably resign. Shit, even Bill’s own close, personal friends are calling on him to resign. Yeah, cue the Sad Hulk Music! We haven’t heard that in a while. At this point is there really no one who has called yet on Bill to resign? Maybe Trump but he’s claimed the Attorney General as his own personal fixer. That’s what happens when you’re run by the mob!





Dude, Bill, you fucked up! You trusted Trump! That’s what is going to happen! And you know Trump can’t exist without his fixer. I mean the average lawsuit against him is currently hovering around the $20 million mark. Of course that’s a conservative estimate. So really, how are you going to manage all those lawsuits? You need an asshole. Trump’s an asshole, Barr is an asshole. It seems only natural that these two would be compatible with each other!






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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

The Alt Right. They’re the younger, hipper version of the KKK. Proudly terrorizing cucks and libtards since 2017. It’s so easy to make fun of them isn’t it? And for a group who claims to hate safe spaces, they sure do need a lot of safe spaces don’t they? But like I said it is really easy to make fun of the Pepe The Frog crowd. One we need to talk about is Kailin Bennett. Yes, you know her as the gun-toting, 2nd amendment absolutionist who gained internet notoriety and a job at Infowars when she took her AR-15 to her Kent State graduation ceremony. Well, Bennett is the host of a talk radio podcast called “Liberty Hangout”, because they’re so cool and hip. Well, Kaitlin Bennett is one person who probably should not be invited anywhere, because she’ll get kicked out.





No, they’re saying boo-urns!! Yeah why don’t we file that one in Reddit under “Oddly Satisfying” because nothing is more fun than watching a trash talker get her ass handed to her. You can’t go out in public like that, honey after shit talking people. And then you can’t go to your safe space to complain about it later. This is the real world, you got to be tough!!! There are no safe spaces! Of course the degree of this event varies depending on who you talk to.





Wow, she seems like a real upstanding citizen! Not notifying police of who she is or the fact that she was going to be filming at the campus? Sounds like something Trump would do. So how does someone as crazy as Kaitlin Bennett become a media star? Well to become a star in the conservative world, all you have to do is launch a podcast talking about how much you hate Democrats and Hollywood, then retreat to your safe space when you get called out. And that’s exactly what she did!





Shut up!!! Yeah so in order to become a star in the conservative world, all you have to do is wave a Bible, shoot a gun, and talk shit about Democrats. It’s a winning formula! I’ve figured it out! Well, Kaitlin Bennett must be grinning to join Tomi Lahren as the Fox News blonde du jour. But really you can’t talk trash, and not expect people to fight back. And don’t go crying to your safe space the next time you get your ass kicked in public, honey!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The Corona Flight
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



News about the dreaded Corona Virus has everyone on their toes and wondering what is going on as news of the virus spreads all over the world. In fact how safe is it to travel as news of the Corona Virus spreads to the far corners of the globe and beyond? It’s not limited to just one specific case in one state or any states, or any countries for that matter. The Corona Virus is making it difficult to travel with place after place getting quarantined. So how safe are you on your next flight? Where are you the most vulnerable? Let’s take a look at some cases that may be arising all over the world, some maybe even in your own back yard. No, don’t cue the horror music just yet.





So with the Corona Virus landing in Maui, it’s safe to say that it has lead to all airports in Hawaii have begun screening for the virus. But what if you’re traveling to Mexico or Canada? Or anywhere in Europe or South America? Well there’s no telling where it could land next, and is one of the biggest nuisances lately. In fact if you travel to Italy you might want to have second thoughts, at least for the time being.





In fact at this point you’re probably better off sitting at home with a nice glass of your favorite beverage and some music. And seriously, don’t go anywhere, do anything, or buy anything for the foreseeable future, because you could probably die of the Corona Virus. Just quarantine yourself in an encased dome and stay at home. And if you do go somewhere that could come in contact with the Corona Virus, you should probably stay at home after you get home.





No, and in fact self-isolation isn’t the solution either. So what do you need to do if you have travel plans that involve a place that has the Corona Virus? Where do you go? How do you protect yourself? And no, wearing a tent contraption like that one guy did. But no if you need to travel and you want to know what to do to protect yourself ahead of time there’s plenty of precautions that you can take to make sure that you don’t get the dreaded virus.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Madison! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know I don’t like to revel in the sorrow of others. Because that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, is it? Well to be fair, engaging in schadenfreude is kind of what these guys do on a daily basis. And does it not say in our Good Book “Judge not lest ye be judged?”. Of course it says that! But what am I talking about today? I am of course referring to everyone’s favorite Bible-based theme park, called “The Holy Land Experience”. It’s such a fun loving family destination where people can watch live crucifixion on the hour, explore ancient Biblical artifacts, and watch live gladiator battles. Just fun for the whole family! And its all tax free. Well, for them, not for you. So how is this dog and pony show losing money? Well there’s a lot of factors.





Yes, come to the light and see Buddy Jesus! He is the Jesus that we worship, oh LAWRD! You know how can something faith based, which enjoys tax exempt status be hurting financially? Everyone knows that the fastest growing religion on earth is atheism. And with such gawdy tourist attractions like these, why would anyone spend time and/or money on them? Well let’s take a look at another faith based theme park, The Ark.





You know Ken Ham and his flock also need to go to the light and see JAYSUS! Because he is the way and the truth, can I get an amen??? It’s no wonder that Christianity is on the decline in America, and if faith based leaders like Paula White are any indication, is it really any wonder? JAYSUS just isn’t selling and moving merchandise like he used to. So why open a faith based theme park in 2020 when there is a huge possibility you could go out of business?





Hey we’re on a mission from GAWD! So if you’re Christianity, and your Holy Land Experience theme park isn’t drawing the crowds that it used to, how can you be expected to make a profit in 2020? Because that’s what JAYSUS would want! He would want us to be rich and to prosper monetarily! After all it says so in our Good Book here! Oh and give it up for our gospel choir, how great are they? Well if we want faith-based tourism, maybe our good friend Kanye can bring ‘em in! JAYSUS merches, after all, people!





Yes, we are serious, Kanye! How about you open up your own religious theme park! And you can sell $225 sweatshirts, and enjoy tax exempt status! That’s how you expand the faith-based tourism industry if others can’t! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots: Wendy Williams Insensitivity
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Yes it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession explain humor to people who just don’t quite get jokes. Or in this case someone who is really bad at telling them. You never, *EVER*, joke about someone’s death. Ever. Sure, we’ve joked about death, destruction, and mass shootings a lot on this program. Hell, we even started the Top 10 when the San Bernardino mass shooting happened. And that one hit way too close to home. But you know what? We never joke about a specific person. We joke about the politicians who put us in these positions. We joke about the circumstances that lead to tragedy, but we never joke about death. And never at someone. If you want to know where that leads, just check out Top 10 #5-3, when punk rock band NOFX, a band known for having a low brow, self-deprecating sense of humor, made a joke about the Route 91 tragedy while they were in Las Vegas. That resulted in them losing sponsorship deals with Stone Brewing Company and getting kicked out of their own festival. So you can imagine what happened this week when talk show host Wendy Williams joked about the tragic murder of the ex-fiancé of Price Is Right host Drew Carey. Yes, she went there, and as you can imagine, a shit show ensued.





Now see Wendy? That's how you do a Price Is Right joke! No one is getting fired, but you can bet that some heads are definitely rolling at the Wendy Williams show. So when you say something that ridiculously insensitive, you can only imagine the backlash that is going to follow. Made of course worse by the fact that we live in the social media era where everyone and anyone can say literally whatever they want, and you can imagine that Wendy Williams is getting some well deserved shit.





Yeah they should probably pull a Liz Lemon here and tell the entire writing team to fuck off. You'd think that they would have standards and practices and quality control and about a hundred other channels before this goes on TV, and someone would say "Hey! This is a really bad idea!". But nope, that ain't happening here. The thing about this whole incident though – the reason why we can say whatever we want is that we’re not on a major network! We have that coveted Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot at the local chuckle hut! Or the university commons which is where we're at right now! We’re not on nationally syndicated TV with millions of viewers! And this comes off after literally a week when she made insensitive comments about trans people.





So there’s plenty of comments about Wendy Williams both for and against. So according to Wendy Williams, gay men (or any men, for that matter) can’t wear skirts, and premediated murder is just something to joke about. Just a hearty gut laugh. Does anyone even watch the Wendy Williams show? Does anyone at all? Besides people in nail salons during their lunch breaks? Oh was that insensitive? Yeah see what I did there? Only difference is, I don’t command a national audience! At least Ms. Williams apologized to one part of her audience.






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Frank Amedia
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Frank Amedia. You may not know the name but he’s a far right Trump loving pastor and creator of a group called POTUS Shield. Of course only in the Trump administration could such a group exist. And if you guessed that this group is steeped in some super far right, batshit crazy conspiracy theories, well, you guessed correctly! Like what? Well, the Corona Virus is probably the worst thing to come out of a Chinese fish market since that piece of Tilapia that you ate at Applebees that gave you food poisoning. Well, POTUS Shield has an opinion on that, and it’s about as crazy as you might expect.





Yeah it’s becoming increasingly a common pattern among these kooks is to say the most absolutely batshit crazy thing that comes to mind. But the Christian right is getting really dangerous with their rhetoric and groups like POTUS Shield aren’t helping things. And here’s where things get scary – in an era where the Christian right is amping up its’ game on the abortion front, maybe don’t call the impeachment effort a “political abortion”. Yeah that’s a very poor choice of words!





I’m pretty sure that somewhere, even Jesus is going “fuck this shit”. But yeah that’s a very poor choice of words there, Frank. And by the way in case you’re wondering which God people like Frank Amedia worship, it’s not the fun loving father of Jesus presented in the New Testament. No, they worship the Old Testament God, the God that reigns down fire and brimstone, and is a raging, egomaniacal asshole, you know, like a certain president that they also worship. Yeah, that guy!





Yeah really, with friends like these who needs enemies? So let’s put it this way – Frank Amedia is the Paula White of Billy Grahams – just enough of an audience to go full batshit crazy with a bit of Trump’s over the top ego-maniacism. Do we really need people like Paula White or Frank Amedia preaching from inside the White House? I’m pretty sure that’s how dictators are created. And if you see the way that the world is heading, that’s the last thing we need!





Yeah with these two at the helm of far right Christian conspiracy theorists, is it any wonder that we’re doomed? Doomed, I tell you! That’s Frank Amedia, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you that when the news gets way too dark, the only solution is to kick back with your favorite beverage, chill out, and talk about literally anything else. So that’s what we do here is to bring the lighter side of the news while imbibing our favorite beverages. This week we’re going to talk about planes. Of course, traveling has been miserable since 9/11 but these days it’s getting way more entertaining. So tell me bartender what goes well with a story about travel? Oh you mean that I can have anything I want as long as it’s served in those tiny liquor bottles? OK then I will take an airplane sized Jack & Coke thanks. Anyway, hysteria, stupidity, and misinformation surrounding the Corona Virus is a thing. And this guy, in a perfectly normal flight from Cincinatti, this guy whipped out a tent to protect himself from the virus. Or so he thought.





Come on dude, you do realize that thing has holes in it right? You’re about as safe as if you wore laser proof sunglasses to protect you from a laser pointer. But if the Corona Virus is inhibiting your travel plans, there’s plenty of other things that you should probably stay away from the next time you board your next trip. Like emotional support animals for instance. Can we please let this trend just fucking die already?





Thank god! If I get on a plane and I have to sit next to someone’s emotional support parrot, I’m getting off that plane! Whether it’s strange guys in tents or your next door neighbor’s emotional support donkey, there’s plenty of reasons why you might want to make your next trip to Oklahoma City a road trip. Like for instance, no, I don’t need a donkey on my next flight to Detroit, OK? There’s a reason why people haven’t been allowed to bring pets like this on planes!





Yeah I need to chug some beers like Steve Austin does! Because this whole thing is getting way out of hand. We don’t need guys in tents on planes. And we certainly don’t need your emotional support peacock on my flight to Boca Raton. Why is Florida immediately the first place that comes to mind when I think of this? This trend started with the super rich. You know what the only difference is? The rich fly on private planes! They’re not on a United A320 that stops in Denver! The good news is that this insanity might be ending soon, we can only hope.





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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.25: The End
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! This is the very last and final edition of Keeping Up With The Candidates. But why is it coming to an end? Because we are head fast heading into the primaries. We’re going to take a break with our 2020 Stupidest State contest, and Selection Sunday is next week. That said, when we come back after our traditional Memorial Day break, we are going to jump into the deep end of the election. And as such, this segment will be called “Stumble To The White House (Probably)”. When we should hopefully have a candidate picked out by then that the Democratic party can get behind. Well the debate in Las Vegas proved to be extremely interesting.





Holy shit, Liz, where the hell have you been this whole time? If we can see more of that before the election, that would be great! Someone has to beat Trump, someone has to! Now the question is how do we go about doing this? Well, for one thing the Dems really need to cut out the Circular Firing Squad, because it’s not helping.





This is going just great guys! Come on, we need to get the lead out! It’s going to take a miracle to beat Trump and the Christian right and send them packing in November. So how? How do we get the lead out and where do we go forward and not backward? Because in order to beat Trump it’s going to take an army to do so. And last week I said that Bernie Sanders commands that army. But really why is Bloomberg still in it? At this point he’s the XFL of AFLs competing against the NFL.





Yeah and have you seen how much of a dumpster fire the XFL is this week? Whew, we’re only 3 weeks into the XFL and it’s the shit show that everyone expected it to be. Oh yeah and that seems to be about how many weeks Bloomberg has been in it. It’s like when your favorite team makes the wild card and they’re going up against the Yankees. Come on, dude, you’ll get lucky if you make it past the first round.





By the way normally this is where we would end it, but we got to show how Bloomberg is faring in cities like Flint, Michigan, and yeah it’s exactly what you would expect.

https://twitter.com/Mike2020/status/1232004382436274178

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

There is no next week. This is the end everybody! Thank you for watching. We will be back with our Road To The White House… Probably segment after Stupidest State 2020!





[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Sons Of Apollo[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am super excited to have this next group on! They are a progressive metal super group featuring members of a bunch of different metal bands. Playing their song “Goodbye Divinity” from their album MMXX, give it up for Sons Of Apollo!




Thank you Madison! We had a great time! We are off to Wichita next with the kickoff of our 2020 Stupidest State contest! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UWM Choir Club, Madison, WI
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Sons Of Apollo Appear Courtesy Of: Inside Out Music
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 19, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-7: Bromancing The Stone Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-7: Bromancing The Stone Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Ann Arbor? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Go Wolverines! It’s always good to be back in Michigan, but it is fucking freezing at the moment. Although we live in an era where people deny that climate change exists, so it’s warm by their standards! And we were just in Florida too, how come we didn’t stay there for the rest of the winter? And it’s supposed to be a short one since Punxatawney Phil saw his shadow, or however that works. Do we have time for the thing? So this is one of my favorite stories of the last week – everyone’s favorite sinking ship metaphor known as the HMS Titanic, was once again, involved in yet another wreck. Yes, the ship has been floating at the bottom of the ocean since it sank on April 15th, 1912. But it was hit again, this time by a US explorer submarine operated by the National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). Now what’s weird about the incident was that it went unreported for three months. Now it’s presumed that there was a treaty between the US and England about preserving the remains of the HMS Titanic, that was signed back in 2012 on the 100th anniversary of that tragedy, and this could have violated that treaty. But then again, this could have just been sheer stupidity on someone’s part. At the very least it’s a metaphor for a sinking ship. And also at the very least they could have used the Homer Simpson “It’s my first day!!!” defense. OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first the long awaited return of Last Week Tonight!! And this week John Oliver destroys the Fox talking points on the concept of Medicare For All:

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Holy crap this week was quite the shit show wasn’t it? In the first slot this week, we’re going to do something a bit different. Two years ago, we lost seventeen brave souls in the Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. So have things really changed since the survivors took on the most powerful of lobbies in the country? Yes, but we still have a long way to go. In much lighter, but also stranger news, Trump intervened in the trial of hardcore conspiracy theorist Roger Stone (2), and well, things went to absolute shit, as is par for the course. In the number 3 slot is the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump (3) and he went to the Daytona 500 and put on yet another patriotic Americagasm display to end all patriotic displays, and we can’t help but wonder how much the latest America orgy costs. Taking the fourth slot this week, there was a recent audit conducted of Melania Trump’s (4) venerable “Be Best” anti-bullying campaign, and if you guessed that it is having literally the opposite effect, well, you might be right. Taking the 5th slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week an alarming study was done on Southwest Airlines and has produced some absolutely shocking safety violations. You might want to consider a road trip for your next vacation. At slot #6 this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, the Christian right is hell-bent on putting holy warriors on the bench in every state and local government, and our resident pastor is here to tell you why this is an absolutely terrible idea! At slot #7 is a new edition of “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and we get it, traveling can be a nightmare, but don’t make it worse for the people around you who also happen to be on the same flight, because that sucks. In slot #8, Vince McMahon’s new MAGA friendly football league, the XFL (8) has taken off – to poor attendance and some strange rules, so we are going to ask “The XFL – How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, in the penultimate installment of our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates” (10), now that Bernie Sanders has taken off as the likely front runner in the race to unseat Donald Trump, he commands an internet army known as the Bernie Bros, and we are going to introduce you to them! And the palate cleanser, we’ve got some live music from the man, the myth, the legend that is the great Iggy Pop! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Remembering The Parkland Tragedy
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Two years ago, an unthinkable tragedy happened when a gunman entered the halls of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland Florida and opened fire on unsuspecting students, killing 14 students and 3 teenagers. But this one was different, which is why we at the Top 10 are choosing to remember them this year. Rather than sitting down, the students and parents of Parkland instead began organizing serious change. We covered the tragedy in Top 10 #4-7 and Top 10 #4-12. So what has happened since then? A hell of a lot can happen in two years.





No, see, that’s the kind of humor that will not be used in this segment. See, we at the Top 10 have a long standing policy of not making fun of tragedy so we won’t try. And let’s recap – in the 2 years, David Hogg became an internet celebrity (and was doxed and threatened with murder), Infowars became a dumpster fire, Fred Guttenberg became an anti-gun lobbyist, and the March For Our Lives organization started. Oh, and also, NRATV got cancelled.





Yup, and I love that the NRATV got shut down because it strayed far away from the 2nd amendment message. Gee, ya think? But we still have a long way to go in the fight for gun safety, and it sucks, and people like Mitch McConnell aren’t helping. So who is? Well take groups like Moms Demand Action, for instance, who are actually trying to change gun policy.





Now we aren’t cancelling Moms Demand Action. And in doing my research for this entry, did you know that the NRA had it’s own insurance agency? And that it repeatedly deceived members? I’m shocked! Of course that kind of thing could easily lead to what we’ve seen in Parkland and elsewhere in the last few years. But in case you’re wondering, no, 2 years later, we’re not safer. Just take a look at Top 10 #7-11, where we covered a high school in Michigan that was being developed with mass shootings in mind. Or Top 10 #4-19 where Texas Lt. Gov Dan Patrick suggested that schools have too many exits. But the good news is, some strides are being made!






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[font size="8"]Roger Stone
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George Carlin had a now famous bit on his 2005 special “Life Is Worth Losing” about how rich millionaires and billionaires are all part of a big club and we’re not in it. Can you believe that special is now 15 years old? That’s insane! Well, of course George passed away 12 years ago and he didn’t get to live out the shit show that we’re watching with the Donald J. Trump administration. Because he is making members of the Big Club easier to identify. Unfortunately we won’t be able to get to his pardons and commutes this week, we will have to wait this week. But the shit show that happened with Roger Stone this week was something to behold.





If you're found guilty once, shame on you. If you're found guilty twice, shame on you. If you're found guilty three times, you might be a con manworking for Donald Trump. I'm just saying that it goes with the territory! So what can we expect from Trump’s fixer Bill Barr intervening in the Roger Stone sentencing? Well, he attempted to get the sentence commuted or even thrown out altogether, and failed miserably.





Yes, abandon ship!!! Now when a trial this prolific of a guy this insane happens, something that goes all the way to Trump himself, how are we supposed to take this? Do we take it sitting down or do we take to the streets like Bluto from Animal House? Actually this is more like Romancing The Stone. Or even better. Bromancing The Stone. Adding the “B” totally ruins it doesn’t it? Well, like everything Trump does, it’s dividing people straight down the middle. As if we need further division. Like Trump needs another mob attorney getting involved.





Forget it he’s rolling. I can’t wait for the Animal House style end credits scene of this administration when they start telling where everyone is. Roger Stone – buried under 1,000 pounds of tin foil. Trump – in jail. Pence – his cell mate. Stephen Miller – married 2020. Divorced 2021. See what I did there? Well there is some good news – at least for now we can rest easy knowing that Roger Stone is still going to prison! So yes, Trump, crime does not pay!



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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Did anything happen on Sunday? I know there was a the NBA All Star Game. There was also a PGA Masters qualifier. I did see the LA Wildcats home opener. And there was also a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm that was hilarious. I feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah, this Sunday was also the Daytona 500 in which Trump attended the event and in typical Donald J. Trump fashion, he held a patriotic Americagasm spectacular and turned it into of course a MAGA rally. And is it me or did Melania look very tense standing next to him? That aside, the spectacle was just that – it was a spectacle and we’re not sure if it was a spectacular one or not. I’d say not.





I love that movie. Now here’s where it gets weird – because it’s Trump, of course you knew it was going to happen. Way back in 2004, George Bush was the first president to attend the Daytona 500. And if you know how to use Google maps or look at a certain website that posts airplane photos, you know that Daytona Speedway is literally adjacent to the runways of Daytona International Airport, which produces some ridiculous shots, and we got this famous shot. Can we show that?



That’s Air Force One landing behind some temporary bleachers at the Daytona 500. Now if I didn’t tell you that was from 2004, you wouldn’t know it because Trump once again got caught lying with his pants down.





Will Ferrell seems like the kind of guy who would go the extra lengths for comedy by sticking a knife in his leg. But that wasn’t the only high profile event that Trump attended on Sunday. He quickly high tailed it out of the Daytona 500 and headed to… the wedding of his White House policy advisor Stephen Miller. Yes, someone agreed to marry that guy. It’s truly mind blowing isn’t it? And think about the cute little Hitler Youth they will create. Yes, I saw Jojo Rabbit. And for reasons unknown it was held at a Trump International hotel. Hold your boos. Also, hold your booze.





One can only imagine that’s how Stephen Miller, author of the White House border policy, how he was wheeled into the wedding. And I assume that when they removed his straight jacket and mask, it only got more awkward from there. Oh and by the way if you wonder what kind of family dynamic Stephen Miller has, let’s pause and reflect for a moment that this is one of the things he got as a wedding gift.






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[font size="8"]Melania Trump
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Every first lady has a cause that they take up. Michelle Obama’s was physical fitness, Laura Bush’s was history education, Hillary Clinton’s was health care, Barbara Bush’s was promoting literacy, and Nancy Reagan’s was drugs. Now in an unironic twist of fate, Melania Trump’s is cyber bullying. And it’s only ironic because she is married to the biggest cyber bully on the planet! So if you can imagine for a minute that is having a huge effect on the collective psyche of our nation’s children. Now before you scream “Oh won’t somebody please think of the children!!!”, I want you to think about the type of society that having Trump as a president would create. Needless to say, it’s created a nation of dicks.





Now this sort of thing is nothing new. In fact we reported this way back in Idiots #3-1 back in 2017. The only difference is that now the bullies have become self aware, like some really fucked up version of the T-1000 where instead of just simply killing you, Skynet kills you and then calls you a “big stupid fuckface libtard cuck” while you’re dying at the hands of a T-8000 and lying on the ground. In fact, Trump is helping America turn nastier.





Sure, it’s funnier when Bart Simpson does it. It’s a lot less funny when Trump does it. Really, how can you run an anti-bullying campaign when the President of the United States does it on an hourly basis and doesn’t make it any easier? There hasn’t just been one incident since the 2016 election, there’s been thousands. This is a major problem and it’s not going away any time soon.





I really wonder if Nelson Muntz is a Trump supporter? Ah who am I kidding? Of course he probably is, Trump attracts this type of person. But really, what this does is that it says way more about the parents and what they listen to and the effects that it’s having on their kids. Why don’t kids listen to more rock music? That would have a much different effect than listening to Trump’s shit all the time. Jimi Hendrix at least was part of a movement that preached love and peace. Trump on the other hand literally preaches the exact opposite of that.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Southwest Safety Audit
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Air travel has been in the news a lot this last few weeks, whether it’s related to the super virus out of Wuhan, China, or whether or not someone is punching the back of your seat. But this is one headline that you probably don’t want your flight to be a part of. Due to some errors, someone did something, and some FAA oversight regulations, Southwest Airlines has taken some heat lately for some absolutely egregious safety violations. Southwest is the largest domestic carrier in the country. But after these violations, you might want to consider taking a road trip for your next vacation. If at all possible. So what is in the latest FAA report? A whole lot of absolutely shocking allegations.





So like a certain president who we will not mention, Southwest used power and distraction to get around FAA regulations. So just what did they get around? Well one of the most egregious violations is that Southwest has lied repeatedly about the overall weight of its’ aircraft. Yes, that’s something that you don’t lie to the FAA about under any circumstances. Just watch a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm about this very subject.





Well repeatedly lying about information has got Southwest in a lot of trouble with the FAA, but what about their own employees? One group that you should never piss off under any circumstance is the mechanics. And that doesn’t matter if they’re working on something like an air conditioner, your car, or even the plane that you’re flying on that day. Which it appears that Southwest did. And that is what one would say is no Bueno.





But if Southwest has anything, it has a lot of explaining to do. And on top of that, some major damage control to do. The biggest question is what routes were affected and who knows about it? What can be done to prevent this and what airlines could possibly be involved? Well one thing is clear, if your future travel plans include the tropical paradise that is Hawaii, don’t use Southwest for your inter-island travel because it could be a big risk.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Ann Arbor! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Thanks to the unholy, ungodly Dark One, creator of all things bad and evil, who is currently sitting in the White House, our brothers and sisters on the religious right have seen a sort of spiritual revival. They are motivated, they are energized to do the good LAWRD’s work. But are they really? They are so steeped in their own hatred and propaganda that they can no longer tell truth from reality. That’s why they worship the unholy Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be spoken in my church, thank you very much! But before we get into the meat of this week’s sermon, are these the people who you really want in charge of the judiciary?





Well if you think that sending your paycheck to her instead of paying off your crucial bills is wrong, I present to you – what’s behind door #2! Again, something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would *NOT* approve of! Can I get an amen??? I mean this is a Twitter poll here, they’re useless. And of course, with the way social media is, you just know that a thread like this is going to backfire on them. And boy did it backfire on them!





That is true, oh angel! Now so you have Paula White who can’t stop grifting, and you have Christian lawmakers who can’t handle any sort of online humor. So make no mistake – when super far right Christians say “religious freedom”, what they really mean is “religious discrimination for everyone but straight, white, Christian males”. What are they after? Well, their prize is the courts. Which is why they will put up with any boorish rube as long as he gives them what they want! That is not what JAYSUS had intended, is it?





But just remember, we’re not the ones trying to tell you how to think and who to vote for. We might be the only non political church in the whole country! Then again, that’s a mighty big “might”. And by the way, give it up for our house band, how great are they? Anyway, back on topic, you know what it is they really want? They want to bring about the end of days! Yes, rather than helping their fellow man, which would bring about HAYVAN, they would rather see the world burn! Because, Jesus.





Yeah because he’s doing such a bangup job isn’t he? They need our JAYSUS because he really is a miracle worker! Whatever they’re doing is not working if they want to burn it all down and appoint judges that will help bring it about! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Seats On The Airplane
[br] [/font] [br]



Look, nobody gets it more than we do that traveling can be an absolute nightmare. Especially when you have to charter for a traveling comedy show like ours. And we don’t exactly have the money that a professional sports team or rock band does. But the cardinal rule of traveling is also the same cardinal rule of social media: don’t be a douche. And if you are a douche, you should be aware that everyone on the plane has a cell phone. And those cell phones have cameras. And you can see where I am going with this. Thanks to in flight wifi, those phones are capable of posting video of you being a douche on social media. That’s where this latest video comes in. But no matter which side you fall on the fence on this argument, you can’t help but wonder if the airlines bring this on or not.





Damn it, I specifically requested not to be seated next to Stewie! But here’s the thing – do we really need to get the actual airlines involved in this one? It really is their fault that we’re crammed like sardines on a plane traveling from Dallas to Boca Raton to visit Nana and Pop Pop. Well maybe that’s not all travel but we’re using it for this scenario. And this is where a circular firing squad turns absolutely ridiculous.





And maybe that’s why you don’t fly in vehicles designed by Peter Griffin. Although people, here’s the thing, yeah this guy was a douche. Yeah this woman totally blew this out of proportion. And yes, this sparked a debate that’s really been going on since the invention of the airplane. Sure you could ask the person in the row behind you if it’s OK to recline. But I know airline passengers, they are not like that at all! But you know one thing you should never do? Sue. That’s right, this insane debate is being turned into a legal matter! Because, money.





But here’s the thing – these days airlines are trying to cram as many flights on a plane as possible because, profit. And also greed, but mainly profit. But when it comes to economy class, let’s face it, we’re screwed. If you think the guy punching you in the back of the seat is bad, well, just wait until they can punch you right to your face! Yes, this is one of many insane designs being touted by airplane manufacturers, because if there’s one thing we need, it’s the ability to rotate our seats!






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[font size="8"]The XFL: How Is This Still A Thing?
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week – the XFL: How is this still a thing? Way back in 2018, Vince McMahon, the chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, announced that he was bringing back his once-failed NFL rival, the XFL. And this time around it was going to have a more conservative, MAGA friendly approach after the Colin Kaepernick circular firing squad ensued. But let’s focus on one team first: The Los Angeles Wildcats who in their first week, got stomped. Which meant that for their home opener, nobody showed up. Yes, they have abysmal attendance ratings and a poor quarterback to blame for why the team is currently in last place.





Yes, the X is for Xtreme! So the Los Angeles Chargers and the LA Rams are struggling to get fans to attend games, but then come the Wildcats of the XFL and say “hold my beer”! Well, despite the extremely poor attendance, makes things even worse when the Wildcats fired their defensive coordinator literally after the first game. Guess you could say that things are going well for that particular team?





You could say that the LA Wildcats are a dumpster fire of an organization, but that’s the least of this league’s problems. So what is the XFL and why do we need it? There’s plenty of professional and semi-professional leagues around the globe. But this one is gaining the most attention and it has very few teams and even fewer people willing to go see games, especially with its’ pro conservative, MAGA friendly bias. Seriously, even the patron saint of quarterbacks, Tim Tebow, turned down an invitation to the league.






Well so the league has very poor attendance and teams aren’t exactly getting off to what one would call a great start. In fact, things are going so poorly for the XFL in the first two weeks of games that the stand out star of the first week, Matt McGloin of the New York Guardians, slammed his coaches because well, they didn’t exactly know what they were doing.





So calling the XFL a dumpster fire is definitely selling it short. Could it be improved? Yes. Are the between play interviews a good idea? Absolutely not. And are the games expected to improve and draw an audience anytime soon? Well that could happen because the XFL needs fans. Or it could not. But there is one thing you can expect for future games.





So bad quarterbacks, poor attendance, in between play interviews, and on field vomit. That’s enough to make you ask – The XFL:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I love this segment because there are so many stories of people being stupid. And it could easily be me or you in any one of these situations. Well, the Corona Virus is a thing that exists. While we are not mocking the deaths associated with the Corona Virus, we are mocking the media hysteria surrounding this deadly disease. Don’t get me started on anti-vaxxers, either. But really when media hysteria surrounding the super virus is at an all time high, it resorts to people being, well, stupid. We go to Hong Kong for this story.





You literally can’t spare a square if you’re in Hong Kong! Next up – remember the cartoon Popeye, you know the one that inspired one of Robin Williams’ best flicks? And then there was that character who always wanted to pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Yes, Wimpy, thank you miss! Chicken!!! I love that clip so much. Well, there’s a guy in Albuquerque who took that concept just a little bit too far.





I love that so much! Wrong Popeye, there. Next up – we go to the Peach State, that’s of course in Georgia, for this one. So here’s the thing people, learn how to read a map. It’s not that hard! Because while Google maps is great, it doesn’t take into account every single thing that goes on in a given terrain, so when you do use their maps, be sure you know, where the roads are!





Yes the blue part is the land. Next up – Florida. We can’t ever have a People Are Dumb segment without mentioning America’s most penis-shaped state, the Sunshine State, Florida. And really if you’re threatening to destroy someone, are turtles really your go-to weapon? Do you know how slow a turtle really is? And the larger the turtle, the slower the turtle. Those things do bite though.





Finally this week – sticking in Florida, we have to talk about this unusually weird story out of Palm Beach where this guy needs some serious kidney dialysis. But he has quite the unusual quirk. Yeah he’s bringing a cardboard cutout of Trump to the dialysis sessions. Which of course the dialysis center in question put the kibosh on. So to recap – cardboard cutout, bad. Family, OK. Here’s more!





By the way I don’t know what’s weird – the story or the fact that the Guardian used as a stock photo, a picture of a cardboard cutout of Trump. I have so many questions! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 24: Meet The Bernie Bros
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! It’s where we keep all of the news, information, and issues about all your favorite candidates in one place! In the last couple of weeks, we talked about the Iowa caucus, the colossal shit show that happened at the Iowa caucus, and now it looks like we might have a front runner and that’s Bernie Sanders. Folks, I don’t think I have to tell you that in order to beat @realDonaldTrump in the general election, you need an army. An army of trolls. And you need the trolliest bunch of trolls that ever trolled. Of all of the 100+ candidates that have thrown their hat into the ring, only one candidate has that army. That man is Bernie Sanders. His trolls can handily take on the MAGAS. How you might ask? Well there’s plenty of ways.





Seriously guys, not cool. Bernie needs to have a running mate and this kind of behavior coming from supporters is going to probably alienate everyone who he is considering for a running mate. So the question on the table is how can Bernie control the chaos? Well, maybe he doesn’t. That’s exactly how people like Mitch McConnell and Jim Jordan keep getting elected. Even Joe Biden is telling Bernie to mind the bros.





Sigh…………….. same shit, different day! So where did the Bernie Bros get their name from? Why do they exist? And why like any group are they full of hardcore extremists and crazy people? Like the MAGAs, the Bernie Bro is such a distinct type of political supporter that they have their own Wikipedia page. But the actual origin of the term “Bernie Bro” gets traced back to an Atlantic article that appeared in 2015.





So are the Bernie Bros a threat to the Democratic party? Or are they a necessary entity in order to beat Donald Trump? Well, I say a little from column A and a little from column B. Now Bernie and Michael Bloomberg have been trading blows in ads, and Bloomberg recently took a shot at the passionate base of fans known as Bernie Bros. How far does this go?





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

For the final chapter of “Keeping Up With The Candidates”, we’re going to ask the question “Is Michael Bloomberg a racist?”. Spoiler alert! Probably.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Iggy Pop[/font]

My next guest is an absolutely legendary punk rock performer. In fact you can see him perform at Carnegie Hall in New York City on March 6th. Playing his song “James Bond” from his new album “Free”, give it up for the one, the only Iggy Pop!!!
https://media.pitchfork.com/photos/5d717ce547318e000977d846/1:1/w_320/IggyPop_Free.jpg



Thank you Ann Arbor! This was fun, we’ll be back soon! We are off to Madison, Wisconsin next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI
Special Thanks To: University Of Michigan
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Inspiration Church Band, Ann Arbor, MI
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Iggy Pop Appears Courtesy Of: Loma Vista Recordings
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 12, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Dark Fate Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Dark Fate Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Hey websites, please stop asking me to review your updated privacy policy because we both know that ain’t happening. What do you mean my data was sold to a Saudi prince? Damn it, I should have read the privacy policy. What’s up Smashville? Ah, see my nod to the Predators there? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Happy Valentines Day everybody! Of course Valentine’s Day is this Friday but we’re spreading the love a couple of days early! Because that’s just how we roll. So this is our 4th annual Valentine’s Day special and as always, this one goes out to the lovers in the room! And I’m sure there are many. And if you’re thinking of proposing, oh man have we got a destination wedding for you! It of course takes place in Las Vegas. Now when you think Vegas weddings, you think of the Elvis Chapel at the Aladdin or Chapel Of Flowers. Nope, this wedding happens to take place at Dennys. Yes, the same Dennys where you go to indulge your drunk food fantasies with Moons Over My Hammy, or your Nana and Pop Pop go to take advantage of the $5 senior slam. But you can get married for free on this Valentine’s Day. Yes, free! Of course if you want booze to go with that, they offer $2, $4, $6, and $8 drink specials. And my favorite part, they give you a coupon for a future visit! Or maybe Dennys isn’t your flavor, you prefer something more spicy! Fear not, the Taco Bell Cantina at Miracle Mile will satisfy your craving. For your wedding, you get tacos and margaritas! Yes, that is a thing that exists! 2020 is a great year to be alive isn’t it? OK enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he tears into Mitch McConnell on his latest New Rule:



Hey everyone the Wheel Of Corruption is back! Yay!!! It’s been a while! Holy crap this week was quite the shit show wasn’t it? In the number one slot of course this week is the Impeachment Of Donald J. Trump (1) and he of course was acquitted after Mitch McConnell rigged the trial, but it’s not over! It’s far from over! And man did Trump unload in an absolutely batshit crazy victory speech at the White House. In the second slot is our State Of The Union recap (2) which included Nancy Pelosi ripping up a copy of Trump’s address, while Parkland victim Fred Guttenberg got ejected after questioning Trump’s hard right 2nd amendment stance. In the number 3 slot this week is Rush Limbaugh (3). Yes, he has potentially terminal lung cancer but should we feel remorse for someone who has systematically hated our guts for 30+ years? We will weigh in on this subject. In the #4 slot this week – white nationalists (4) marched on DC while their favorite target, Portland’s Antifa, showed up in downtown and nobody knows exactly WTF happened! Speaking of white nationalists, at slot number 5 this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and the FBI completed its’ annual survey of domestic terrorism incidents, and the results are way more frightening than you would ever have imagined! Taking the #6 seed of course is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and is anyone really surprised that Franklin Graham (6) got dropped from the entirety of his planned UK Crusader tour? Our resident pastor is going to get to the bottom of why the Brits hate the evangelist and his business. In the #7 slot this week, we had a much different “Beating A Dead Horse” planned about Kirk Douglas claims, but instead, we got to talk about the absolutely batshit ramblings coming from Joaquin Phoenix about milk. Yes, he used his speech to attack milk. In the number 8 slot this week, we have a new edition of our segment "NO!!!" in which religious right hate mongerer and fake coach Dave Daubenmire (8) is suing the NFL for an absolutely ridiculous sum of money. And when we say ridiculous we mean just that! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, is a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re going to get drunk and talk celebrity fragrances, and there’s some truly bizarre ones, in case you’re looking for a last minute Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone! Finally this week is a new “Keeping Up With The Candidates” (10). This week we’re going to talk about the aftermath of that colossal SNAFU in Iowa and what to expect as the primaries head to Nevada. And the palate cleanser, we’ve got some live music from The Lumineers! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Impeachment: Trump Vs Romney
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Hey everyone say it with me: It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Elections
- Buy A Vowel
- Sex
- Clip Without Context
- Death
- Greed
- Spying
- Walls
- Food
- Elections
- The Border
- Donald Trump
- Clip Without Context
- Chance
- 5,000
- Bankrupt
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Top 10 Investigates
- A Random Tweet
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Golf
- 10,000
- Morally Bankrupt
- Guacamole
- Clip Without Context
- Talk Shows
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Intermission
- Double Whammy
- 15,000
- People Are Dumb
- Keeping Up With The Candidates
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP!! Oh hey it’s one of our patented clips without context!



Coincidentally, I have the new Prophetess album “Warring Angels With Flaming Swords”, and it is a banger!!! Spin it again! Donald Trump! You know here’s the thing – conservatives have famously tried to claim that they are the party of transparency. Well, you can’t exactly be transparent when you rigged your own trial! And that’s exactly what they did. It’s almost kind of like that old MTV show Celebrity Deathmatch. In this corner, we have, at 239 (?) pounds, Donald Trump! And in this corner, wearing magic underwear, Mitt Romney! And not only that, Trump has not one but two dirty dealers at the helm – Kentucky’s Mitch McConnell (R-Turtle) and Mr. Moneybags prior to impending bankruptcy, Bill Barr. And with friends like these, who needs enemies?





You know, I never thought I would say this, but thank god for Mitt Romney. At least his moral code prevented him from going with the GOP cult. But he’s still siding with the religion where he has to wear magic underwear. But what’s interesting is that even the Mormon Church, which is famously hard right conservative, is starting to take a turn. So where does Mitt Romney stand?





Uh oh, Mitt Romney had an independent thought, it’s bad for the cult! And of course now that Trump has been vindicated, he’s going to go full asshole and get his revenge on the people who he thinks wronged him, starting with Mr. Romney himself. So where does his home state of Utah stand on impeachment? And where do they think Romney voted? Did he vote correctly or not? We will see.





Oh come on, you can stop booing now. So as you know, the way we’ve been polarized has been a thing since the Joseph McCarthy days. But the one person to defect has been Mitt Romney? I can guarantee 100% that I did not have that selected on my Impeachment Bingo card. But I did have “Romney kicked out of future GOP events” on my GOP Bingo card!






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[font size="8"]State Of The Union Recap
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Now entering the spin cycle! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! No, a whammy!



Spin it again. Donald Trump. Folks, it’s been quite a week since the State Of The Union with Nancy Pelosi getting ripped by the Trump cult over her ripping up of the SOTU speech. That’s how you treat a wannabe tyrant dictator like Trump. Is that you kick him in the ass hard. Of course Trump is a guy who loves him some loyalty. And nothing more loyal than those who were invited to his Mar-A-Lago Super Bowl party or his SOTU in Washington DC. But if you double cross the cult, they will tear you up in the same way that Nancy Pelosi ripped up that speech. Here’s what happened.





Yup, that’s how you do it! But is there really a motive or a sinister underling to what Nancy Pelosi did to Trump? Really, Trump pardoned a guy who posed with the body of a child he killed in Iraq, and this is the hill that they choose to die on? OK fine. Let’s play that game for a minute. But in the 100+ years that the State Of The Union has been a thing, this might be one of the strangest ones ever.





Yeah pretty much. Now let’s switch gears for a minute. I have to talk about this story. I’ve been waiting all week and it’s been pissing me off more and more every day. During the State Of The Union, there was an ejection. While Trump was assuring gun nuts that their precious 2nd amendment wasn’t going anywhere, Parkland victim Fred Guttenberg, who was invited as a guest of Nancy Pelosi, got ejected for speaking out the way that guy shouted “You lie!” at Obama way back when. Hold your boos.




Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh and if that’s not enough, this will make your blood boil even further! So after the SOTU, Trump finally allowed Parkland families to go to the White House for a symposium on gun safety. You know who wasn’t invited? Guess who. Yes, now you have my permission to boo even further. And why should Mr. Guttenberg apologize to these assholes? He’s sticking up for what is right.






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[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Something random in the news!





Come on, if you’re going to tell a bunch of beer drinkers their product is crap, at least come back with something better than White Claw. That shit is basically La Croix mixed with alcohol mixed with tap water. Why not just chug some pure grain alcohol like Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Seriously, was Florida Man visiting Brooklyn? Spin it again! Talk shows! Folks, last week it was reported that Rush Limbaugh has potentially terminal lung cancer. Which prompted an outpouring of support from conservatives everywhere while Democrats were asking the question “Should we feel remorse for someone we hate?”. Well the answer to that one is a very complex one. And there’s no easy answer.





Now come on, who knew that Rush had a heart to begin with? Oh now we kid, that’s the kind of joke we actually can make. And here’s one that isn’t. OK so Rush Limbaugh has said an awful lot of shit in the last 30 years. Among his greatest hits, he’s gone on Carr mocked rape victims, trashed disabled war veterans and famously had that beef with Michael J. Fox after his Parkinsons diagnosis. But you know what we don’t do? We don’t wish death on people we don’t agree with, even if they are ugly people both on the outside and inside. Just wait for nature to take its’ course.





Yeah no, we don’t encourage that kind of thing here. And if there’s one thing that you never, ever do, it’s piss off the cult. Because they will hold a grudge against you well into the next century. But here’s one thing that you should never, ever do – don’t ever, EVER celebrate that someone else has cancer, because it’s a shitty disease no matter who has it. And if you’re like the above teacher, really, there’s no time or place for that. Leave it to yourself.






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[font size="8"]Nazis On Parade
[br] [/font] [br]

Now entering the spin zone!! And it lands on… wait for it… A Random Tweet!!

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1227040292060180481

You do realize that Larry David was making fun of you right? I mean if you watch the episode he claims that a MAGA hat is a “great people repellent”. I can’t even… . Spin it again! And it lands on… Racism! Now it’s time for *1920s news announcer voice* NAZIS On Parade On Parade! An EKO Initech Productions Newsreel! We go to the nation’s capital of Washington DC, where white nationalists took to the streets to demonstrate… racism? That’s just about all we can think of this latest march. Because what were they marching? And why were they covering their faces? This is one of the latest WTF events in the history like all bad things, it started after the 2016 election when everything started going to shit.





Yeah where’s that guy when you need him? I mean shit this gives new meaning to the phrase “some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses”. So first we had that insane gun rally in Virginia and now we have actual Nazis covering their faces marching through downtown Washington DC. Isn’t this certifiably insane? Of course we’re ready to go into CPAC and this isn’t helping.





Meanwhile, in Portland, the group that white nationalists hate and Trump fans love to take a shit on – Antifa, is back and up to their usual tricks. So here’s the thing – the Trump fans love to hate Antifa and they constantly refer to them as violent thugs. But really, if you read past the headlines, which they don’t, this was pretty much nothing. But that’s not what you would read if you venture into the conservative blog-o-sphere at all.





So here’s the thing – there’s two groups of protestors. Both wear masks to hide their identities. Both are run by lunatics. And neither side has any idea who the other side is. All that happened was – a war memorial got defaced, and that is not cool. But then again neither is racism. So while both groups waste time, it would be a great idea if before this administration is over, to Scooby Doo these morons and find out who they really are.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: FBI Terror Watch List
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Chance!!



Nice! I get a Get Out Of Jail Free card. I will just put that away for later. Spin it again! And it lands on… Top 10 Investigates!



Terrorism is a subject that is no laughing matter. When it comes to terrorism, what is more likely to happen? Are you more likely to die at the hands of an Al Qaeda terrorist, or are you more likely to die at the hands of your hardcore white nationalist cousin who has a safe full of guns and repeatedly makes threats against the government on Facebook? The answer is increasingly more and more likely to be the latter. As world governments are getting turned upside down by extreme disinformation on Facebook, white nationalists are becoming more and more of a threat by the day. As such, the FBI is taking new counter terrorism measures to combat this rising tide of hate and white supremacy all over the globe after completing their annual terror survey.





It’s quite possible that the FBI’s hate crime division is working overtime, the last thing they need is a few more hate crimes tacked on top of that, Homer! So where can you start seeing white nationalists pop up in professions? Well look at the military where troops have said to their superior officers that they have seen instances of white nationalism and hardcore racism pop up in recent weeks prior to the FBI’s annual survey.





Yes it was. But the director of the FBI himself has warned that domestic terrorism is on the rise, and most of the arrests involving hate crimes involve white supremacy. And in a not at all shocking twist, the FBI is promising to actually deal with a lot of the hate crimes that are on the rise. So when Nazis march down the street in your neighborhood, you can rest assured that the FBI is watching them.





Now that the FBI is doing more to fight terrorism, you might want to ask yourself “Why isn’t the FBI doing more to fight white supremacy?”. Well, the answer of course lies in the Rage Against The Machine classic song “Killing In The Name Of” which has the lyric “Some of those who work forces / Are the same that burn crosses”. If that rings true, there is going to be a huge undertaking needed to sort out this mess after the dust has been settled.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, where does it stop? Oh hey it’s yet another Clip Without Context!



Yeah that will work! Let’s pray away a deadly virus! Right. Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Nashville! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation!! Is it OK to cancel someone who you don’t agree with? We live in an era where Nazis are marching in the streets and white supremacists have infiltrated our law enforcement, and pastors are saying extremely homophobic and sexist stuff, and nobody is questioning them on it. Now it could be the poison that is being ingested every day on your social media feeds. There is so much disinformation out there. And of course we don’t need people like Franklin Graham helping things, but I’m going to say that he should be cancelled. Of course, as you know, free speech is an absolute right in these United States, of which, I am free to mock religion as much as these guys are to preach it! And for that I am thankful! But what happens when a guy like Franklin Graham, who supports the unholy Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, when he takes his show on the road? This happens!





That’s right miss! Oh my GAWD indeed! And this is the same England here? The one that is embracing fascism and dictatorships with their new Brexit model? But then again, homophobia is viewed much more differently abroad than it is in the States! And of course, if you can’t beat them, what is the answer my fair congregation? Sue!!! That’s right, Pastor Graham vows to sue the shit out of the areans that cancelled him!





Maybe don’t call that guy if you’re planning a lawsuit! But that said, Mr. Graham is still insisting on going on his full UK tour. Because let’s face it, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you must be a supporter of the Unholy Dark One, and the world turning to the Dark Side! But is Franklin Graham really a champion of LGBT rights? I would most certainly think not. And why would people come to listen to him anyways? At least if you come to my church – all are welcome and all are pure in the eyes of the LAWRD JAYSUS!!! Can I get an amen???





Except when there is judgement, good Rev! But even if you are cancelled at every single venue in the UK, can you still go there? Would you defy the Queen? Well apparently the concept of “cancel culture” doesn’t apply to the far right! Apparently you can be cancelled and still go there anyways! Now that’s funny because I don’t remember in the Bible where JAYSUS got cancelled and still went on an arena tour! Maybe that arena tour got reduced to civic centers and golf course country clubs?





So if you see Franklin Graham preaching on that free speech corner in Hyde Park, that might be the only place where he’s allowed to do so in the UK. And he’ll sound just as crazy as the guy next to him! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Got Milk?
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh it’s another one of our patented clips without context!



News Nazis, by the way, that’s the name of my new metalcore band. We’re playing the Troubadour this weekend! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Hore!



OK I’ll admit that one of my favorite films last year was Joker. Yes, it deserved all the accolades it got and Joaquin Phoenix easily deserved Best Actor. That said, he is one weird fucking dude. Do not give this guy an open mike. Because it really felt like a Joker speech. I kept waiting for him to say “YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!!!”. You know what? Before we go any further let’s roll the clip.



Whew, there was a lot to pack in that clip. Now before we go and dissect this whole thing, we got to talk about all the people that Mr. Phoenix pissed off in this clip. So Laura Dern and Brad Pitt both had great speeches and then there was this. So while I’m sure his intentions were good, the message came off weird.





Yeah that escalated quickly. So in one sentence we go from talking about gender rights and equality to talking about artificially inseminating cows, because reasons. And come on, do we really need this guy talking about award speeches that criticize hard working, every day people? Celebrities aren’t like us, they don’t have to deal with credit checks and getting ejected from places and being denied buying something and maxing out credit cards. So Ricky Gervais, you’re not helping.





Dude come on, even the Joker thinks this is full of shit. And I thought my jokes were bad! But here’s the thing – why are people just griping on and on about cancel culture? Have you seen TV lately? Nothing gets cancelled anymore! I mean shit, Arrested Development got cancelled by Fox and they got two extra seasons on Netflix! And if you attempt to cancel something, it will just make people want to do it more, come on, we saw that with the Tomahawk Chip.





Well so thank the other actors and actresses, who might win awards on shows that I am not competing on, OK makes sense! But be careful about who you speak to, Joaquin and Renee, because you could accidentally piss off the wrong people. Except of course for the guy that we call president, and he constantly pisses off the wrong people. Yeah, don’t be like that guy!






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[font size="8"]No! Dave Daubenmire NFL Suit
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… CHANCE!



Stupid bleeping poor tax!!!! Spin it again. And it lands on… NO!



OK before we go any further, this is a topic that would normally be reserved for a Holy Shit but our resident pastor is tied up with news about Franklin Graham, the shit storm in Virginia, and the National Prayer Breakfast, so by the time he gets around to it, it will be yesterday’s news. That said, this is a big fat “NO!!!” and I really hope that he gets laughed out of court for this one. So our good friend Dave Daubenmire – the hate mongerer who calls himself a “coach” is planning to sue the NFL because they featured Jennifer Lopez and Shakira – two extremely attractive Hispanic singers and dancers, in very tight and revealing clothing. Now don’t boo yet, is the Super Bowl halftime show now a porno show or is it a Pepsi commercial? Let’s find out.





Holy fucking shit!!! $867 trillion??? I’d be fine with $867. Hell, I’d be fine with $86.70. We’re not exactly raking in that sweet advertising revenue. And I like that he’s including his local cable company in the mix because, reasons. It’s like when you sign up for an internet bundle and they try to sweeten the deal by including a land line. Ooh, land line!!!! But here’s my favorite part of this lawsuit. Does Dave even know what a porn show is? Or does he spend way too much time watching Porn Hub?





What is it with creepy looking old white dudes and attractive women? Why are they so weird? Well, Dave is definitely no stranger to that while also demeaning others who aren’t straight white, manliest men of all males. But really the second video tells us way more about Dave Daubenmire’s sexual preferences than we ever cared to know. Ew.





Seriously, Dave, you’re the one with the agenda! And I think we all know how you get your jollies, and I have to say, hard pass. You also know, nobody is forcing a gun to your head to watch the Super Bowl half time show. But who’s going to take up a lawsuit for $867 trillion dollars just because you got a hard on watching J. Lo? Good luck with that, and you’ll probably get laughed out of court at the most.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Oh hey another clip without context!



No it’s just a bunch of idiots with too much time on their hands jamming the phones. But thanks for playing, Rick! Spin it again! Oh and it’s time for I Need A Drink!



Hey everyone after all the crazy and horrifying news this week, whether it’s conservatives throwing out the rule of law in favor of one party rule, or that conservative trolls were attempting to sabotage the Iowa primaries, or the fact that an uncontrollable super virus from China is most likely going to kill us all, the only remedy is a good strong cocktail. Or a beer. I’ll take either, I’m not picky. But this is the segment where we have some drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. This week, we’re going to talk fragrances. Sold by celebrities. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about perfume? A plum soaked in perfume served in a hat? Can you even drink that? I’ll just take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Well, when it comes to fragrances, we of course look to one of the trend setters, Gwyneth Paltrow, who, with her venerable GOOP brand, helped sell this peculiar product.





2020 is a great year to be alive, isn’t it? I’ll drink to that! I mean really when aliens land on this Earth 200 years from now, they will look back at GOOP and go “WTF! Why hasn’t this species been conquered already by now?”. And really I’ll take medical advice from someone who recommended that women should shove plastic eggs up their vaginal cavities. Come on people, let’s get real here. As if that’s not enough, Erika Badu took Paltrow’s idea and said “hold my incense!”.





Maybe grounded up used panties are the secret ingredient to Sex Panther? Yeah probably. Now here’s the thing guys, you might be thinking “Where’s the This Smells Like My Penis” candle? Well I first off am sad to report that one actually exists. But here’s the thing – even if it does exist, there’s no way, shape or form it has the same impact. Nobody wants a penis candle in their face. Penis Candle, saw them at the Troubadour, by the way, awesome band.





Ahh!!! Damn, did I need that! But here’s the thing – no matter what brand of junk science you subscribe to – whether it’s Paltrow’s GOOP, Alex Jones’ Infowars, or some guy with an anti-vaxxer blog on Facebook, you should be aware of the key word “junk”. Sure, it might be fun to play around with junk science, but when your hair starts falling out and you can’t taste your tongue, don’t say that we didn’t warn you.






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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 23: WTF Iowa???
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Let’s give the wheel one final spin this week! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Go to jail? Nooooooooo!!!!



Wait, I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail Free card! Sweet! Spin it again! it’s time for Keeping Up With The Candidates!



Welcome back to our 2020 Voters’ Guide called Keeping Up With The Candidates! Yes, we’re 11 months out so we had better be prepared, damn it!! So to recap, in the last few weeks, we’ve discussed the beef between Tulsi and Hillary, we’ve discussed the infighting among Bernie Bros, and we’ve discussed the dropouts including Julian Castro and Bill DeBlasio. Now that we’re supposed to be heading into the primaries, we may have a clear favorite. Or not. The GOP is still up to their dirty tricks. And they played extremely dirty in Iowa. Who was the winner there, we may never know for sure. On one hand Mayor Pete was winning but then Bernie claimed a surge. The real winner here out of all of this? The voting machines.





Well that’s another issue entirely. But that said maybe I don’t know, actually test out the voting equipment before you deploy it next time? Also, maybe don’t make critical phone numbers public before hand? I mean shit, I’m no cyber security expert and I could have seen this coming! Now that said, in a very “Well duh!!!” tone of voice, this could have some potential setbacks for voting by cell phone app. Gee, ya think???





You know what – if you’re trying to go for a transparent election, maybe don’t buy software from a company called “Shadow Inc”? I’m just saying. That said, what can we expect when the campaign heads to New Hampshire for the next caucus? Well, thanks to the Iowa debacle, you can now expect an Adrian Monk level of phobia when it comes to protecting our vote in the next primary.





Ah that’s the kind of thinking we need here in this election. But how do you prevent what happened in Iowa from happening again? On one hand, we have one extreme in Iowa. And in the other extreme, we have New Hampshire. Can you find a common ground between the two extremes? Can you? Leave it of course to my home state of California to come up with the solution. We think.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Now that Bernie has been gaining momentum in the primaries, we are going to take a look at his ever-growing fan base, called The Bernie Bros, and why are they so angry?



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Lumineers[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has a great new album out called “III”. You can see them on tour this summer coming to stadiums near you. Playing their song “Gloria”, give it up for The Lumineers!
https://img.discogs.com/_ug1cOIqhdclrWp6fd0lWKkanDk=/fit-in/300x300/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(40)/discogs-images/R-14329383-1572346386-1728.jpeg.jpg



Thank you Nashville! We are off to the University Of Michigan next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Vanderbilt University, Nashville, TN
Special Thanks To: Vanderbilt University
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Vanderbilt Choir Club, Nashville
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
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Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
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Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 5, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-5: They Came In Like A Wrecking Ball Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-5: They Came In Like A Wrecking Ball Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Tallahassee? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Hey I think this is our first time in the Florida Panhandle! Really how cool is that? Anyway, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning their second Super Bowl in franchise history. San Francisco 49ers, you had a great run and you can rest assured that Trump won’t screw up your geography in a tweet. Yeah that happened. Let’s take a second to remind ourselves of the fact that the President Of The United States doesn’t even have a basic knowledge of geography beyond a second grade level. I will repeat that in a much more angry, Lewis Black-esque tone: HE’S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!! And he doesn’t know that Kansas City is in Missouri? Oh yeah let’s take a sharpie over the map and alter it like so… yeah that’s more like it! Because a sharpie makes everything more funny. We learned that last year during the hurricane debacle. I mean this is the kind of thing we’re up against in 2020 – a president who wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, and a party that is backing his every move with treason. Just how are the Dems not running off that? We should be able to beat the pants off this guy… yeah poor choice of words. Especially considering I hear that he likes that kind of thing. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he suggests that Dems play dirty in the next election and even gives them some free advice:



Wow, this entire thing is taking a turn every single day doesn’t it seem like? Well in the first slot this week is of course the guy who we currently call president Donald J. Trump (1) and did he commit sexual assault back in the 90s? Well a new lawsuit aims to, for lack of a better word, expose that situation for the truth, and it’s funny watching Trumpers try to justify this. Pass the popcorn. In the second slot this week, we’re going across the pond to check in with Brexit (2) and this is it people, Brexit is in effect, and it has the potential to make a bad situation even worse, because that’s what conservatives do. In slot #3 is also Donald J. Trump (3), and in a not at all ironic twist of fate, some extreme weather conditions along the California border in Chula Vista are blowing new sections of Trump’s poorly built border fence into Mexico, and there’s a record length tunnel underneath. You can’t make this up. Taking the fourth slot is also Donald Trump (4). He held one of his rah rah MAGA rallies in New Jersey and his supporters left behind a giant pile of trash, and he’s sticking the city of Wildwood with the bill! Hardly shocking, I know. In slot #5 is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week are former members of the Green Bay Packers running a doomsday prepper cult or is it an innocent fellowship church? After a terrifying incident on Christmas Eve last year, it appears the former and not the latter. And taking the 7th slot this week is “Beating A Dead Horse” – sadly last week we lost Laker legend Koby Bryant in that tragic helicopter crash, but did trashy celebrity tabloid outfit TMZ publish the news of his death before the Bryant family had a chance to be notified? Harvey Levin (7) has some explaining to do! Taking the 8th slot this week is our segment “We’re All Gonna Die” and last week we reported on the deadly Corona Virus originating from Wuhan, China, but it seems that hysteria surrounding the virus has reached epic proportions! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “People Are Dumb” and since we’re in Florida this week, we’re dedicating it all to Florida Man! And finally this week, we have a new “Keeping Up With The Candidates” – we are going to find out what the fuck happened in Iowa on Monday and the absolute chaos surrounding the Dem primary. And if you are like us and you think that voting by app is a bad idea, well, you're not wrong! And the palate cleanser, we have some live music from our good friends The Dirty Heads! I mean really, buy their new album “Super Moon” or you are no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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OK now that we got that out of the way, we here at the Top 10 writers’ room spent much time debating how we were going to best approach this subject. Because we don’t want to go there, nor do we want to go into too much detail. But considering we’ve covered both Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Brett Kavanaugh, we feel that we have to cover the latest allegations surrounding the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump. And we can’t help but feel a bit of schadenfreude at watching the people who previously trashed Bill Clinton are now trying to actively find ways to justify Trump’s behavior, and it’s not good.





Yes, oh shit indeed! So we have someone who is actively accusing the guy who is, I don’t know, the President Of The United States, of sexual assault! You know who didn’t assault anyone? Obama. There’s that comparison that Trump wanted. So President Goofus is under fire for this and rightfully so, and you don’t just go accusing someone like that of a crime like that. Except when they did it in the 90s to Bill Clinton.





Man it just keeps coming doesn’t it? Of course Trump is going to say that Carroll is lying, but considering it was so long ago, we may never know the whole truth. But if you look on the conservative blog-o-sphere, which we unfortunately spent a lot of time doing last week, their justifications are coming quite insane and furiously. Which they are saying that 31 years is a long time to hang onto an article of clothing. Really? That’s the best you got? Please.





WTF indeed, there’s no way Trump would tweet about this. Though we can certainly picture it – there’s plenty of ways that he could, and I’m sure all of them would end with “SAD!!!”. But of course, like the trash left at one of his MAGA rallies, he’s attempting to throw it out, but also like the trash at a MAGA rally, he’s going to get stuck with it while someone else gets the check.






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[font size="8"]Brexit Begins
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Let’s check in with our good friends across the pond and marvel at the just colossal shit show that is the Brexit election. As an American looking on from abroad, I can’t help but just sit in awe of the sheer insanity that has been Brexit. Just when I think our government can't get any crazier, England comes along and says "Hold my pint of Boddington's!". It started as a social media campaign and was filled with as much disinformation as the 2016 election was. And had the same outcome, which was to topple the government and throw everyone in a tailspin. Now, it’s official. Last Thursday, British conservatives, which you might know as the Tories, celebrated as Boris Johnson’s Brexit became official. The UK is going to leave the EU. But that’s the gist of the headline. They’re in for a hell of fight if people read past the headlines.





Yeah so Boris Johnson and his doppleganger Donald Trump entering into a trade deal while ignoring the rest of the EU? What could possibly go wrong? But British conservatives looking to pop the champagne should probably put the corks back on the bottle. It’s not that easy and it’s definitely not over yet. Oh no, strap in guys, because you’re in it for the long haul.



&t=20s

Yeah no, that might have worked on Animal House, but it doesn’t work in real life. So the question is, are countries celebrating Brexit? Are they telling the UK to go take a hike or are they like the pathetic ex kneeling on your doorstep going “PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!! PLEASE!!!”. Well, Scotland could be the next great divide in the EU, declaring its’ independence from the UK. And that could make an already ugly situation that much worse.





Yeah so just like a group of cells, England divided from the EU, and Scotland could divide from the UK, which would make this worse. But this is proving that conservatives really are the same no matter what country you’re in. And for British conservatives celebrating this, yeah maybe don’t. Because you should know all the facts before you cut the cord.






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[font size="8"]Trump’s Border Wall
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This has to be one of my favorite stories of this week or any week. In a not at all ironic or shocking twist of fate, it appears that the only thing going over the border into Mexico appears to be Trump’s border wall itself. I mean the underlying irony of it all. And that’s something that Trump doesn’t even begin to understand, is the concept of irony. This is seriously what happens when you spend a lot of money on something that looks pretty but will break the second you touch it. That’s all this border wall is designed to do – look pretty and that’s about it. Is it effective? No. Can it be cut through? Yes. Can it be tunneled under? Most definitely. Hell, it can’t even stand up to nature.





Seriously, Wile E. Coyote couldn't come up with a more ironic trap than this. And here’s where it gets weird, because this is the Donald J. Trump administration that we are living in. Everything gets weird and awkward. This is an era where you can’t make up the news and it is super weird. But let’s examine what’s going on with the border wall further. If you expand on this, the collapse of the border wall revealed one of the largest smuggling tunnels ever built!





And that’s pretty much the extent of the actual effect of Trump’s wall right now. So Trump claims a lot of things about the wall – like it will stop people from coming over the border. No it wont. Hell, it can’t even stand up to the elements. The wall is even susceptible to flash floods and harsh terrain! Yes, it can be knocked down by winds. Just really, this is quite possibly insane.





Except it’s not the Mongolians, it’s Mother Nature! This is, like I said, this is what happens when you spend a lot of money to make something look pretty when it’s really just a cheap piece of shit. Think of it like those people who put Bentley grills on a 2006 Chrysler 300 to make it more expensive. But the bottom line is, you’re driving a 2006 Chrysler 300, Tom! You’re not fooling anyone! And speaking of expensive, crappy things, how much is this shit gonna cost?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

When Trump does rallies, they only show the rally. They don’t show the behind the scenes aftermath, of course they wouldn’t. He and the MAGA crowd would just attempt to pass it off as fake news. because that’s exactly what they would do if you showed the MAGA crowd the aftermath. Trump comes into cities like Wildwood, New Jersey and leaves behind a wrecking ball of destruction and trash and unpaid bills, and piles of garbage everywhere. Yeah cue Miley Cyrus… THEY CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL!! I mean this is what you get when you elect a clown like Donald Trump. You get the whole damn circus that goes with him. So here’s how it originally went down in Wildwood.





Really? And you couldn’t have done a Google search to see the hours of footage from all the other Trump barfs his brain rallies? But then it takes a turn. Like what happened when they showed the aftermath of the original Woodstock Festival kind of turn. Sure, everyone had a great time, but who cleans up the trash and gets stuck with the bill? Why it’s the city of Wildwood, New Jersey!





Yup, they came in like a wrecking ball all right, and they wrecked the place good! MAGA! So yeah let’s show that photo for a minute. Hold your boos…



Well on the plus side, if I’m in the market for a folding chair, I know where to go! But really, trash should probably stay in the trash. And as for a MAGA rally, like I was saying, you know who gets stuck with the bill after Trump stiffs you on trash cleanup and security? Yup, the city governments, which means you, the taxpayer, get stuck cleaning up his mess!





Good question! And by the way in case you are thinking that this is an isolated incident, boy you are definitely in the wrong place here. Because there was a pro-Trump rally in one of San Francisco’s most progressive neighborhoods that coincided with a rally at a women’s group. And as you can imagine, things got ugly. If you want to know where all this is headed, here’s a sneak peak . And something that I didn’t know existed – MAGA drag. Yes, that’s a thing.







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Inside The Packers Cult
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Football is practically a religion in some areas of the country. And then in some areas of the country, religion is defined by football. And then there’s the state of Wisconsin which takes the concept of football and religion to entirely new heights with their worship of the Green Bay Packers. The Packers are one of the only community controlled teams in the entire world, with the other team being Spain’s FC Barcelona. But what happens when they take their love of football and religion too far? Well that’s when you get this. An innocent sounding church in Green Bay, Wisconsin, run by former Packer Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, goes by the name of Straitway Truth Ministries, has much darker and more sinister after hours that go on behind the scenes. Ultimately leading up to this incident on Christmas Eve of last year.





This incident raises many questions – like who was there? And who knew about the incident ahead of time? And also, what kind of fellowship ministry racks up enough weapons and ammo to take out a small army? Well, apparently Gbaja-Biamila has some friends who are very high ranking members of the church that may or may not have racked up all these weapons and ammo that were carried into the Christmas Eve pageant.





So is Straitway Truth Ministries a Christian church, a fellowship, or is it a scary Doomsday Prepper cult with apocalyptic end times fantasies? It could be one, it could be another, or it could be a combination of all of the above. But the cryptic language that Gbaja-Biamila has been using, and the fact that he’s refusing to cooperate with authorities, is nothing new. In fact this could be a symptom of a much larger problem.





Yeah probably not. But here is where the story simply gets weird. Not only are there reports that a Tennessee branch of this church is supporting them (Ed. Note: A subscription service was preventing us from posting that article) , but he actually went on Youtube to describe his role in the incident in the week following. Not only does this raise more questions than answers, but why go on Youtube to do this? Why not?





Yeah probably. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Tallahassee! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we love to talk shit on Liberty University here, and they quite frankly deserve every bit of it. For they are controlled by a very foul and evil supporter of the unholy Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be mentioned in my church! And does it not say in our Good Book that greed is evil, and those who partake in the greed shall be punished by GAWD? Yes, our GAWD works both ways, does he not? But not the GAWD that Mr. Falwell chooses to worship, because his GAWD chooses greed and fear, and those are things that do not sit well in my church. But his Vexit plan is quite possibly insane. And here’s more.





So that’s it? You don’t like someone you think you can just pack up and leave? Well that doesn’t work in our Good Book, does it not? Can I get an amen??? Well in our Good Book it says to love your fellow man, and you should do that, rather than just secede and go somewhere else! We preach love and tolerance in my church, and not hate and division! And it’s all over your guns? Is that it?



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So what are the benefits? What do people expect to gain out of this ungodly and insane plan? Well there’s really only just one person who stands to benefit from this. But let’s sell it under the cause of your gun rights are being taken away. Because I’m sure that’s what the Good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, am I not wrong? Oh no, it’s the opposite of what he would have wanted!





Really, Governor? That’s your best statement? They’re threatening to take whole precincts away from you and Falwell’s words speak for themselves? Falwell is what one might call a “snake oil salesman” – he preaches nothing but a product that doesn’t really exist. He, and only he, will benefit from this proposed atrocity!





So what did we learn this week? We learned that Jerry Falwell Jr is a man that is more concerned with his own business that he will literally shake up the border in Virginia, and pander to the gun nuts to get it. And that is not what our good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, that sounds like something that Satan would want. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: TMZ & Kobe
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No matter where you were last Sunday, everyone will remember where they were when they heard the news that LA Lakers legend Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna, and seven others were killed in that devastating helicopter crash in Calabasas, California. Me personally? I was in the bathroom and the news alert came up on my phone. I’m just saying it happens. That aside, one man who is getting a lot of shit for reporting the news is Harvey Levin, who is of course the president of everyone’s favorite celebrity tabloid trash TV outlet TMZ. But the question is – how the hell did TMZ get a hold of the news about the helicopter crash before the entire world knew about it?





Ah, now *THIS* is a quid pro quo situation! And I like how non-chalant Harvey is with his suggestion that he “got a tip”. It’s kind of like the Youtube comments section of a popular video when someone just posts “FIRST!!!!” and then leaves, but not before said poster gets bombarded with a million comments that follow and point out that they weren't actually the first poster because there were 15 other comments that were posted 3 minutes after the actual video was posted. Yeah you probably got there before anyone else, but then again just because you could do it doesn’t mean you should. But is anyone really shocked that TMZ got this information that quickly? Even the Chicago PD couldn’t put out a press release that fast!





Seriously, even the guy who was OJ’s arresting officer isn’t surprised that celebrity tabloid journalism gets it first. But come on this is one that is definitely on TMZ here. But at least per the LA County Sheriff office, was it disrespectful of TMZ to do what they did? Was this the work of reporters just doing their jobs or was it the equivalent of the guy on Youtube who posts “FIRST!!!” on a popular channel?





That is a good point sir! But who really was alerted first? Was it the LAPD? Was it the FAA? Was it Kobe’s family? We may never know because there’s so many conflicting reports out there. Seriously, it’s Kobe Bryant, the guy was a legend. And it’s so weird that we’re talking about him in past tense because it happened so suddenly. But does TMZ really need to be cancelled for it? Really?





No calm down, nobody is cancelling anybody yet. But let this be a lesson of how fast news travels in the social media age. The crash happened at approximately 9:00 AM last Sunday. In that half an hour, the police were able to identify who it was, and TMZ got it out there before Kobe’s family was notified of what happened. And no, TMZ is *NOT* where I want to get my news from when something this horrible happens. Thank you.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die!!! Woooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Woooooooo!! Wooo. Woo. Yeah it’s not really that exciting because the latest insanity surrounding the Corona Virus coming from the Wuhan region of China just won’t stop. And the World Health Organization definitely isn’t easing our fears into the latest super virus. But first off, let’s cut through some of the bullshit. Yes, the disease can be passed from person to person. But can you pass it to your pets and vice versa? The answer is a definite no!! Come on, people have at least seen the Wes Anderson flick Isle Of Dogs, am I right? No?





Calm down dude, we’re not gonna die, at least not yet. But that’s what happens when you have a population that doesn’t understand basic science and genetics. Why aren’t those things taught in schools? If only there were someone we could ask about that sort of thing. But the real danger here is cruise ships. Yes, cruise ships. If you’ve been on a cruise ship in the last couple of months you might want to get yourself tested.





Yeah probably. Especially if you live in my home state of California, where a whopping 3 new cases of the virus have been confirmed. Yes, there have been over 17,000 cases confirmed. And three of them are in California. Really, are you people fucking crazy?? You currently have better odds of winning the lottery than you do of catching the Corona Virus.





Hey, again, I said probably! And by the way in case you’re wondering if we live in a period of slow news or not, let’s look to New York, where the insanity is so intense that this was actually a headline. This was in the news! If you’re in New York, you can rest assured that as of this week, there are *NO* confirmed cases of the Corona Virus. But that’s as of this week. Sleep tight everybody!!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And as such whenever we visit the great state of Florida, we have to do a special all Florida man edition of People Are Dumb. Look, Florida, we kid. But you do bring the crazy extra hard. And before we get into this, I want to give a shout out to the @Floridaman_ Twitter feed that really just goes beyond to keep track of all the crazy happening in the Sunshine State. Let’s start with this story out of Miami. Sigh here’s the thing people, we may hate Trump here and everything that he stands for. But let’s condone any acts of violence against him or his properties or the people in them. That said, this story has some of everything that makes Florida insane and weird.




That’s right, Dude! Next up, we go to the city of Orlando for this one. And here’s the thing, if you don’t have anything creative to write when you’re hammered and you’ve got a can of spray paint, maybe the best thing to do is just walk away. But not for this guy who painted – I shit you not – the word “slur” on the bathroom wall. This is a thing that happened!





Next up, we’re going to stay in the city of Orlando – what’s up with Orlando this week? They’re taking double doses of crazy pills! Anyway, I don’t know much about boating, nor will I claim to know anything about boating, but I’m pretty sure this is not how the gas tank on a boat is supposed to operate. But it’s also probably best not to get the fire department involved in your own stupidity as well.





Unless of course you have it inserted in the wrong hole. Yes, thank you sir! That’s what she said! Finally – we go to South Florida and the city of Fort Lauderdale for this one. So we’ve all been the victims of credit and debit card fraud at some point. Because there’s a lot of sleazebags out there to get their hands on your data. But this next story asks a lot of questions, namely, how does one spend $68 at Little Caesars?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 22: The Iowa Caucuses
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! Yes, in this guide we keep all of the news, candidates, issues and polls into one handy place! Last week, we contemplated controversial podcaster Joe Rogan’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. This week, the Iowa Caucuses are underway! And who won the Iowa Caucuses? The correct answer is that nobody really knows. It’s absolute chaos down there in Des Moines. As of right now – it’s Wednesday at 2:00 PM, yeah it’s still polling at 0%. Bernie’s camp is saying that he won, Mayor Pete’s camp is saying that he won, it could be anyone’s game at this point. So what gives, Iowa? You had one job!





You tell ‘em, Loki! So the fact of the matter is that Iowa reigns in chaos right now and the master of disaster Donald J. Trump rakes in 97% of the republican vote, which is still dwindling in numbers even as we speak. And don’t vote by a fucking app on your smart phone, people. There’s some things that just should not be done by phone, and voting is one of them! Talk about phoning it in, literally in this case!





Yes, literally one job! And people wonder what the hell is going on with the opposition to Donald J. Trump? Well here’s the thing – if you’re going to vote by a smartphone app, you’re gonna get hacked, I’m just saying it happens. And it doesn’t take a doctorate in IT to figure that one out! So how could this have happened? Well, here’s the thing – DON’T VOTE BY APP!!! It’s that fucking simple. If it sounds like a bad idea it probably is!





So with that disaster in mind, who really won Iowa? Well it’s hard to say especially when they’re moving onto Nevada, and with 0% of the vote in, there’s well, every candidate saying that they won the election, but none have been more vocal about it than Mayor Pete Buttigieg, you know, our good friend from South Bend, Indiana. Yeah, I think you might want to wait until we actually have a vote tallied there, Mayor Pete.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week, assuming that we sort through this madness, we will tell you the results of the Nevada poll, or we might tell you that voting by app is a bad idea. But probably some of both.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Dirty Heads[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a really awesome reggae band from Newport Beach, CA, you can see them at the One Love Festival at the Queen Mary on Feb 7th. Playing their song “Fear And Love” from their album “Super Moon”, give it up for the Dirty Heads!




Thank you Tallahassee! This was fun! We are off to Nashville, next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Central Florida, Tallahassee, FL
Special Thanks To: UCF
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCF Choir Club, Tallahassee, FL
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
The Dirty Heads Appear Courtesy Of: Five Seven Music
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 29, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-4: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Angry Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-4: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Angry Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Miami? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Finally I get to be someplace warm in the winter! We’ve been up north for a while but man has it been cold! OK I got to be honest we had a much different edition planned for this week but Sunday with the tragic passing of Kobe Bryant happening, well, we got to address that. Don’t worry we will get to the conservative idiocy and possibly a few conspiracy theories and Alex Jones maybe calling it a “false flag” – you know he will – next week. But you can’t deny that Kobe was a legend and the way his life ended on Sunday is just an absolute tragedy. And I will tell you that you’re definitely not going to find solace in my bullshit. No, you’re here because you want to find out which politician showed their dick pick or which politician is suing a cow. Or which member of the Democratic party Trump called a derogatory name to in the last five minutes. And yeah it’s that guy in case you were aware. But this week has had such a weird feel to it, like how do you go on and make fun of Devin Nunes suing a Twitter handle that has the same name as his cow? Just where do you go? It’s just one of those things where you can’t find answers, just entertainment. And we hope that we can provide that for you. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first while Trump screams “READ THE TRANSCRIPT!!!”, Jordan Klepper of the Daily Show asks “Well, have you?”.



The impeachment trial is turning into quite the shit show isn’t it? In the first slot this week we are going to talk about the Impeachment Trial Of Donald J. Trump (1, 2) and in the first slot we're talking about John Bolton's role in this whole shindigl. In the second slot, while Trump is screaming at people to "read the transcript", have people? Have they? Probably not. In the third slot this week is the Doomsday Clock (3), which thanks to religious conservatives, has ticked another few seconds to midnight, where does that end? Also, cue your favorite Iron Maiden song here. In the number 4 slot this week is a new edition of “We’re All Gonna Die” (4), and are you aware that a new supervirus originating in China is being spread through Asia and has landed in the US? Well, we’re all gonna die!!! In the fifth slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to investigate a bizarre claim from Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos about his phone getting hacked by the Saudis – how true is it? Spoiler alert! Probably. In the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and our resident pastor attended the annual March For Life in Washington DC, and he’s got some thoughts about what he saw. In the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7). So last week we reported the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters who cheat, but the Los Angeles City Council is taking the concept of “sore loser” to brand new heights! Taking the 8th slot this week, is a new “This Fucking Guy” (8) and we are going to profile the CEO of MyPillow – Mike Lindell, who is a conservative, full MAGA, pro life enthusiast. Yeah puke. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, we *had* a new I Need A Drink planned before the Kobe tragedy, but we decided that we couldn’t make fun of the death of Mr. Peanut at this time, so instead we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”, Tulsi Gabbard is suing Hillary Clinton for claims that she is a Russian asset, but how true is it? We will find out! Plus the palate cleanser, we have some live music from our good friends Cold War Kids! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Impeachment: Part 1
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Impeachment is all over the news and we got to talk about it. But the specific angle that I want to talk about is everyone’s favorite mustachioed James Bond villain sidekick John Bolton. Yes, Bolton’s testimony could be the final nail in the coffin for the Donald J. Trump administration. But most likely probably not. Really this thing with Bolton is turning out to be quite the shit show. Seriously, even Fox News is turning against Bolton. And what do you have to do being a member of the GOP to get Fox News to turn on you?





So Bolton is defecting! This is quite the interesting turn of events. As the entire world is creeping toward fascism, anti-globalism, and hard right dictatorships. Is this what we really want? I know that I definitely do not want this! Can a guy who was formerly on the inside of the UN be the one to stop this? Quick! To the dictator-mobile! These guys are extremely loud and incredibly angry! Can’t believe I pulled that reference out, did you? Well I’ve got plenty more where that came from!





So let me get this straight – while Trump’s lawyers were arguing that the trial should be over as quickly as possible, Bolton’s book that is coming out may be the very thing that extends it? Get ready everybody because this could be a very long trial. But the good news is – John Bolton may have very well proven Nancy Pelosi’s claims. This would make him the anti-hero hero of the Democratic Party. You know, like Walter White, but without the meth.





No we’re not bringing in the dancing lobsters just yet. This is just a small piece of a very complicated puzzle. You don’t just commit treason against the United States. No sir. You can’t drain the swamp when there’s a turd clogging the drain. And that turd’s name is Donald J. Trump. So what’s the next step as this trial wraps up? What’s the next part of John Bolton’s plan? Well there’s no easy answers, that’s for sure!






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[font size="8"]Impeachment Part 2
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Yeah so there’s a lot of news and conflicting reports surrounding impeachment coming through the pike and you’re going to be hearing a lot of it. Unfortunately we won’t get to the Trump Barfs His Brain rally in New Jersey this week. Nor will we get to his interview before the Super Bowl. I mean who knew that he could land an interview with Sean Hannity? Really? You really need to know the answer to that question? Because if you have to answer why Sean Hannity is interviewing Trump, you are in the wrong place my friend. It’s been long established on this program that Hannity has his lips super glued to Trump’s ass and not even the strongest crowbar could pry them off.





Hey man I thought the NFL had a policy against showing boobs on TV! Thank you I will take that one, audience! Back to impeachment. We talked about the witnesses in the first entry. For this entry I want to talk about the transcripts. You know Trump, like the broken record that he is, is insisting that we read the transcripts. Which we’re betting that he hasn’t. We’re also betting most of his supporters haven’t either.





Read the transcripts! Read the transcripts! Shut up! There’s no such thing as a “perfect” phone call, Trump. Only in your warped mind could that happen. But then again there’s a lot of things he says that don’t make sense. But come on, is there anything that Trump doesn’t lie about? Is there anything that his increasingly warped supporters won’t lie about?





Damn straight he does! And when it comes to impeachment, it’s not the transcript we’re interested in, and there’s no way that Hunter Biden did what Trump said he did. And how can we read the transcript when it’s being read under lock and key? Yeah no, that transcript it’s already been said and done, it’s this transcript that I’m interested in! Really, shut up, Trump. You’re fired.






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[font size="8"]Doomsday Clock
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We need some music for this one.



Yeah that’s my shit! If you haven’t noticed, the Doomsday Clock has been ticking towards midnight ever so slightly. But lately with the world preferring batshit crazy fascist dictators and the USA having an uncontrollable man child at the helm in charge of our nuclear weapons, is it any wonder why we’ve moved past the proverbial two minutes? Yes, just like in a football game, the 2 minute warning has served as a reminder that we are ever closer to the impending Armageddon that is going to kill us all in a horrible fiery apocalypse. So why is it now moving past the two minute mark? Well we’re mere seconds away from total catastrophe.





Lousy beatniks!! But before you go cueing the “We’re all gonna die” graphics, this isn’t that segment, at least this week! Thanks to global instability, you never know what’s going to happen. But guess what is fueling the fire? Well it’s not Trump, it’s the fact that nuclear arms treaties signed by Russia and the US are set to expire. And with Putin and Trump at the helm, anything can happen. Let’s just sit back and watch the fireworks. Literally.





Well I hope we have the ability to survive an atomic meltdown like Homer does. But he’s an expert at this sort of thing. Us average joes on the other hand, are not. But that said, is it time to stop the Doomsday Clock from ticking forward? And what happens when we get to midnight? And is nuclear war the answer? Tune in next week to find out! Wait, don’t tune in next week to find out.





Well I for one welcome our nuclear squirrel overlords. And Nuclear Squirrel I hear just got added to Coachella. And in case you’re wondering what is fueling the fire moving the Doomsday Clock well guess what? It’s that device that you’re holding in your hand right now. Yeah I’m talking to you. It’s your phone – your Facebook, Twitter, and social media accounts.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what! We’re all gonna die! Wooooooooooooooo!!!! Woooooooooooo!!! Wooo. Woo. And in case you’re wondering how we’re all gonna die – it’s because there’s a new super virus that is going to kill us all. And I love when the media tacks the word “super” on to anything. Super virus. Super food. Super man. Super monkeys. Yes, there probably are super monkeys out there. That was our planet!!! Damn you all to hell!!! I’m getting carried away here. But we have to talk about the utter insanity surrounding the Corona Virus. Could you get it? Yes. But at this point your odds are about the same as winning the lottery.





That’s right – the Corona Virus may have originated in Southeast Asia, and there have been 4 confirmed cases. Yes, I can literally count the number of cases on one hand. So yes we’re all gonna die!!! Ahhhh!! I mean seriously people let’s lighten up and revel in facts before we let the media get the better of our biggest fears regarding deadly diseases. Oh wait what’s that? Oh cue the horror music!





I love how confident that guy is. So if you go to an airport like Boston Logan coming from Southeast Asia, you will get screened for the Corona Virus. And that’s quite possibly the worst thing you can get screened for, other than if your girlfriend screens your credit before you start dating. What? You will only date guys with a 720 credit score or better? Get out of here!! And don’t think we’re onto you, World Health Organization! Even you can get this wrong!





Yeah probably. But fear not! You know who created this most evil of super viruses that could possibly kill you? I’ll give you a hint – it’s the most evil creature of them all! Yup, we created this virus. It originated in a cave in Thailand, like all horrible things do. But as much as we created this virus epidemic, we alone get to fix it. That’s why we are the worst creatures of them all.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Jeff Bezos Hacked
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The issue of cyber security is a very complex one. People day in and day out complain about, and are worried about their bank accounts and personal data being bought and sold under very shady circumstances. But this hack claim surrounds just one person. And that person just happens to be the wealthiest man in the world, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. Even Jeff Bezos is not immune from hacking and phishing scams that have plagued the internet since its’ inception. But just how accurate are the claims that Bezos was hacked by Saudia Arabia via the What’s App application? So who is to blame in this situation?





Yes, there’s a chance Jeff Bezos could have been hacked, but then again he is Jeff Bezos. It’s not like you have to do a search on the black market internet to find out much information about him. Also, it’s the National Fucking Enquirer too, they don’t exactly have the highest journalistic integrity in the journalism industry. But then again, neither do we. But who is to blame for this? Do you blame the Saudis? Or is it the fault of the phone manufacturers?





Yes, you could have been hacked, or someone could have done a Google search. But how it happens and why it happens could apply to just about anybody. But could Saudi Prince Muhammed bin Salman been behind the hack? Yeah probably. But don’t go playing the blame game. Because that’s how they win, and they thrive off this sort of thing. Did Jeff Bezos get hacked or did he not get hacked?





That is a good question. But the question of whether or not Jeff Bezos’ phone was hacked is more of a discussion of power. And both of these men – Jeff Bezos and Muhammed bin Salmon have been in a competition for a quest for power and money for a very long time. Where does it end? That is a question for the ages. But who is more powerful? It might surprise you to learn that neither of them is.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Miami! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! I was in Washing ton DC last week. Of course you know that last week there was an annual event called the “March For Life”. It’s the annual gathering of misogynists and anti-abortion activists from all over the globe. And yes, they are becoming a diverse bunch. But let’s not distract from the issues, because I’m sure that is not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would have in mind! Am I not right about that? And really, do we need the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church. to lead such a ceremony? Because he is the most ungodly man of them all yet he is being treated like some kind of saint among anti-abortionists!





Why yes he does!!! And he also sits in the Oval Office, and that is why his name shall *NOT* be spoken in my church! Have the Christian right become so deluded that they really thin that he’s the savior when we all know that he is not? I ask you that! I do not believe that it is in the good book, thank you very much sir. But we’re not out to tame the pro-life movement. No. Instead, how do we get them on our side? That’s a question as old as time itself.





No, we can’t reason with these people or even get them to join our side. They are entangled with the Dark One, and they are brainwashed by social media propaganda and the right wing clergy, and 40 years of this isn’t going to end overnight. So I ask you, my fair congregation! What can we do? What’s really bizarre is that they are calling themselves “pro woman” when we all know they are anti and have always been anti! Can I get an amen??





Yes! Jesus facepalms at the fact that the Dark One slams Democrats, because that’s all he does – lie, cheat, name call, and play the GOP blame game! Now I ask you, my fair congregation, why is the youth movement getting involved in anti-abortion politics? Because it’s a movement designed to trick people into voting against their best interests. And no one does it better than anti-abortionists. All I have to say is that if young ladies want to get involved in this movement, well, here’s what they are in for!





But do they have actual knowledge of abortion or just the propaganda that their parents passed onto them? Either way we are in a fight for the unforeseeable future my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: LA City Council Vs Houston Astros
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Last week, we pointed out that the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters that cheat, and Alex Cora is the dirty cheater who lied and got fired for it. But then an interloper had to go and make things worse. That interloper? The Los Angeles City Council. Los Angeles is of course home to the LA Dodgers, who faced both teams managed by Alex Cora in back to back World Series. Now if you’re the city of Los Angeles, what do you do in this situation? Well, you petition the MLB to take back the World Series that were won under shady circumstances and give them to the team that rightfully deserves them. Wait, that doesn’t work in real life does it?





Dammit Mattingly, I thought I told you to get rid of those sideburns!!! But is it the business of the LA City Council to say who can and who cannot win a World Series, or any title game for that matter? Sure, the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters that cheat. But as social media was quick to point out, the fact that the Dodgers didn’t win the World Series is actually the least of their problems.





Yeah come on, LA City Council, you’ve got way more on your plate to deal with, who won the World Series should be the last thing you care about. I mean come on, you have a homeless crisis and people pooping on the sidewalks to deal with. Let’s address that first. Then maybe item number 567 on your list can be figuring out who rightfully won the 2017 World Series. And I mean come on let’s ask the Dodgers what they think should happen. Do they want this?





Eh… not exactly a home run here as the players don’t want it, the fans don’t want it, and really the LA City Council opened up a can of worms that it shouldn’t have. So who exactly wants it? The answer is nobody and this is something that nobody asked for and nobody wanted. Is it a home run? Hell no, it’s a swing and a miss on strike three.






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Mike Lindell
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is the CEO of My Pillow, Mike Lindell. And for the sake of this piece, I’m going to refer to him as the “My Pillow Guy”. So My Pillow Guy is a rising star in the GOP because he’s somewhat of a minor commercial celebrity. And the GOP loves them some weird celebrities, whether it’s Meat Loaf, Ted Nugent, Jon Voight, or washed up televangelist Jimmy Swaggart. The Dems get all the cool celebrities, the GOP gets a guy who hawks cheap pillows. And he’s something of a minor celebrity because he’s been seen with everything from cardboard cutouts to partying with Trump on New Year’s Eve at Mar-A-Shithole . Yes, that makes him a rising star in the GOP. And well he can pretty much do anything right? Well, what are his qualifications exactly?





That’s right, in the GOP, all you have to do is say what they want to hear, trash dems, and blame everything on abortion, you’ve got it made in the shade, yo! So My Pillow Guy could be the next governor of Minnesota, an esteemed position previously held by fellow GOP celebrity Jesse “The Body” Ventura. You know for a party that claims they loathe celebrities, they sure do elect a lot of celebrities, don’t they? I’ll take that one, thank you! So how good are My Pillows? Let’s ask the experts!





So $80 for a single marginal pillow endorsed by a former crack addict? No thanks, I like my pillows endorsed by Ambien addicts, because if anyone knows sleep, it’s people who will take a drug that will make them do weird shit when they sleep! And in case you’re wondering My Pillow Guy’s GOP street cred, well he’s got plenty of it! He’s even got the same lawyers that they do! And of course if Rudy Guiliani is any indication, the GOP has a great track record there!





Nothing to see here, please disperse! Yup, it’s a good old fashioned GOP circle jerk! Featuring My Pillow Guy and a failed candidate who should probably not quit his day job. Sure, the GOP and the Christian right love this guy because he’s a self-made go getter who overcame addiction and built a global business empire. That’s the American dream right? Well, he’s using the money he made from his day job to finance his weekend job – ending legalized abortion. If you want this guy to be your next governor, Minnesota, you’d better be paying attention to what he’s doing behind the scenes!





That’s My Pillow Guy, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Ed. note: Due to the Kobe tragedy, our planned “I Need A Drink Piece” on the death of Mr. Peanut will not air at this time. Instead expect to see it in a future “Best Of” edition. So enjoy this People Are Dumb segment instead. Enjoy!

Hit it!



So of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. Because the crazy never fails and there’s plenty of things that can go wrong in the course of a day. And then there’s people who are just plain dumb. So who is dumb this week? Well I want to start with a very overlooked category of idiots – stupid cops! And this story is an international one, coming all the way from the beautiful country known as Thailand! Really, if you’re setting up a car for a police auction, wouldn’t you think to remember to check the contents of the car first? Because I would think that the people who you sell the car to would like to know that , I don’t know, it’s loaded with drugs!





I think the drugs are probably worth more than the CR-V in this case! Next up, we go to Scotland for this story. Here’s the thing, this is so reminiscent of the “squirrel!!” distraction from the movie UP, or the robbery scene from the movie Big Trouble, that it’s a case where life imitates art. Or does art imitate life in this case? Well, if you rob a bank, maybe don’t stop to pet dogs or run slowly.





Next up – we go closer to home with this one. Look, nobody likes waiting in traffic. And when we do, you got to get creative with ways that you get around traffic. But somehow I would think that if you get pulled over with a fake skeleton in your backseat, that you would have an awful lot of explaining to do to your arresting officer.





Somehow that scene just seems weirder in GIF form! Next up – of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning America’s most penis shaped state, the state of Florida. And this is a great Florida story. So this guy was out and decided that he was going to try to jack someone’s car. Well, he should have thought of that when an undercover cop was driving in the very car he decided to jack.





Finally this week, if you’ve been viral for any reason, maybe don’t commit a crime with the thing that helped you go viral. Because if it’s something easily identifiable, it can get you nailed faster than the cops can slap the handcuffs on you. We go to the great city of Orlando for this story. And by the way where have I seen this sort of thing before?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.21: Joe & Bernie
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! Where we combine all the news, issues, polls, and candidates you care about! We are exactly one month down, we have 11 long, grueling, and fucking insane months to go before we elect the next president of the United States. And we had an entirely different entry planned this week. But over the weekend, Joe Rogan started trending and it was because of his “all-in” support for Vermont Senator and old man trying to send back soup in a deli, Bernie Sanders. Yes, thank George Costanza for that line. But do you welcome a guy into the party who some have called “The Gateway Drug To The Alt Right”? Yes, Joe Rogan commands one of the biggest troll armies in the world and he’s been known to cheat, harass, and slam people online who he doesn’t agree with, and is part of the reason why our culture has become so toxic. So, what’s up?





That is a good point Bernie! So is Joe Rogan a guy who you really want on your side? He’s a bit racist, extremely misogynistic, and commands a troll army that would dwarf the one that is owned by glorious dictator Vladimir Putin. And if you want to know some of Rogan’s greatest hits, well, let’s take this time to go down the wormhole, shall we?





So here’s the thing – do we include Joe Rogan’s die hard fans in the mix or do we not? I mean at one point the guy was called “the gateway drug to the Alt Right”. And that is a label that nobody under any circumstances should be strapped with. But his raunchy behavior and a tendency to ignore rules and all sense of common decency aside, do we include them in the party or not? He could be the key to defeating Trump and sending this administration packing, or not.





Oh come on people stop rabbling! Yeah Joe Rogan has a track record and a history of being a boorish buffoon reminiscent of your average Trump supporter. But let’s face facts – beating Trump should be our number one priority and we can’t keep fighting with ourselves if we’re going to beat him. We must unite damn it! And if we have to include Rogan supporters in the mix, so be it!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Why are people in Iowa protesting outside Joe Biden’s office? We will analyze this and much more coming out of Iowa.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Cold War Kids[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a great band from Los Angeles, you can see them on tour though March 21st. Playing their song “Complainer” from the first of a 3 part album series “New Age Norms I”, give it up for Cold War Kids!




Thank you UF-Miami! This was fun! We’re off to Florida State University next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Florida – Miami, Coral Gables, FL
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UF Miami Choir Club, Coral Gables, FL
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Cold War Kids Appear Courtesy Of: AWAK Records Managment
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 22, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-3: Viva Lev Parnas Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-3: Viva Lev Parnas Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Georgetown? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! This is our third Top 10 of the new year that is 2020 and our previous stops couldn’t have gone better. So you guys ready for Super Bowl LIV? Hell yeah!! We got the 49ers and the Chiefs! No pesky teams named Patriots that we have to deal with this year. But my favorite part of the Super Bowl is the prop bets. And these are the bets that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the game , so we will run through some of them. Because hey we like to educate as well as entertain! Like you can bet on how many commercials will have dogs in them. Or you can bet on which Anheuser Busch brand of beer will advertise first. My money is on Michelob Ultra. I mean come on it’s the new year, we’re still counting calories, damn it. Or the coin toss. Or the number of the jersey that will score the first touchdown. Or even what color of Gatorade will be dumped on the willing coach. You can also bet on which J. Lo song will be performed at the halftime show. Which, you know I’m surprised that they’re having Jennifer Lopez play the halftime show given her busy schedule of appearing in two award winning TV shows and all the movies that she does. But that said… there’s always time for J.Lo! Ah that felt good! OK that’s enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back, sort of, and he warns us of the dangers of your cell phone’s push notifications.



Man where do we begin this week? In the number one slot is of course the guy who we currently call president and that is Donald J. Trump (1). Did Rachel Maddow uncover the missing link in the Trump – Russia scandal? Please let this be what brings him down! In the second slot this week is Donald Trump’s boss, Vladimir Putin! Yes, Putin is in the hot seat this week after he announces plans to expand his power and the entire Russian government walks out on him! In the number 3 slot this week is Virginia Gun Nuts (3). While the rest of Virginia is supporting sensible gun control laws, Virginia gun nuts are proving that they’re the reason why we can’t have nice things. Taking the fourth slot this week is the Houston Astros (4) and the entire sports world has been rocked with the stunning accusations that the Astros and Alex Cora cheated their way to multiple World Series wins in the last few years. In the number 5 slot is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week we’re going to talk about sleep. It turns out that sleep apnea machine provider ResMed may have aggressively targeted potential customers, and the entire sleep apnea industry might be suspect! Taking the sixth slot this week, is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week, our resident pastor is detailing a holy war of sorts brewing in the Catholic Church between new school Pope Francis and old school Pope Bendict. Who will come out on top? Hard to say. Taking the 7th slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” – and every celebrity from Stephen King to Vince Vaughn is expressing their political opinions, so why are we completely sick of it? We will let you draw your own conclusions! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of our segment “NO!” and a longtime favorite band of the show, REM, has finally had enough of Trump using their music in his campaigns and they’re actually doing something about it! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9). This week we’re going to the annual CES in Las Vegas where robots were all the rage and we’ll tell you about everything from bathroom pals to artificial limbs and walkers! Finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates (10), we’re a week out from the Iowa Straw Poll and we can tell you what to expect when the field of candidates gets even narrower! Plus the palate cleanser for all of my nonsense, we have some live music for you from Brittany Howard of Alabama Shakes! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know, for a party that claims they don’t want a partisan impeachment trial, they really are doing everything they can to make it partisan, am I right? And this whole shit show couldn’t be any crazier than it is right now. Especially when Trump is off to Davos where, the last time, he was all by himself while the rest of our world leaders were networking. But as the impeachment proceedings head to the Senate, things are going to get ugly. And mob boss Mitch McConnell certainly isn’t playing nice. And look at what South Carolina Senator ,and guy who looks like he just won the 2 for 1 Bingo tournament at the local learning annex, Lindsay Graham, and he isn’t playing nice either.



Lindsay smells a rat? I think I know where this mob movie is going but I can't quite put my finger on it...



Come on, Lindsay, you can't out-act Jack Nicholson so don't even try! But that said we got to talk about this Lev Parnas situation. Viva Lev Parnas! Viva Lev Parnas! Viva, Vivaaaaaaa Lev Paraaaaaaaaaas!!! Thank you, that was my Elvis chunk! Thankyouverymuch! Yes, so Lev Parnas may be the missing link in this whole Trump – Russia affair. But of course you know the Trump cult, they will claim no knowledge of ever knowing Parnas.





Holy shit!!! Did he just say that Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani were possible culprits? Just how deep and connected is this thing? And why does Rudy keep getting invited to things? He’s like the GOP’s Cousin Eddie – he’s such a fuck up that you don’t want to be associated with him, and every time he gets involved, things go very south very quickly!





Have you checked our shitters? So who else does Lev Parnas know and what does he know and how far could this go? These are very pressing questions and they could have some very far reaching implications that could go all the way to Trump himself. This isn’t a reality show, this is a mob movie, but which one? Scarface? Goodfellas? The Godfather? Only time will tell.






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
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**Justice League voice** Meanwhile, in Russia!!!!! You know it’s a weird week when Trump’s boss Vladimir Putin attempts to expand his government powers, causing the entire Russian government to quit, and it’s somehow not the number one story of the week! Yes, that happened. People think that American politics aren’t affected by other countries, well, you’re wrong. Vladimir Putin is, to put it lightly, the devil. And he is attempting to expand his power, despite that most of Russia really, truly hates his guts. Maybe this is the world the gun nuts truly fear, and if so I am with them. At least Dmitry Medvedev had the good sense to quit before things got weird.





Could you imagine Zombie Lenin and Putin going at it? I would honestly pay the $50 Pay Per View fee to watch that! So what happens next? Now that Putin is on his own does he have a backup government ready to go? Or does he go on his own and go full old school Russian Czar on everyone and declare himself to be his own government? Well that could be a number of ways that could go.





Not sure you want to do that, Homer! Especially if things are going the way we think things are going to go there, and it’s not going to end well for anyone involved. Trust me, this is going to get very weird very quickly. And we will continue to monitor the situation as it develops. But do you now see how this could end very badly and why we should be absolutely frightened here that Putin wants to expand his powers past 2024? Another two terms of this crap and there may be no stopping him.





Why does Russia make everything weird? And why do we as a species continue to elect such grossly incompetent leaders and then complain about them? We could elect the other guy and that wouldn’t happen but we choose reactionary. But at least Medvedev had the good sense to send Putin packing.






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[font size="8"]Gun Nuts
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A favorite talking point among America’s super far right gun nutters is “tyranny of the majority” which means that they’re exercising their right to take on a tyrannical government. Well, it should surprise no one that they are the majority (at least they think they are) and they’ve elected the most tyrannical government the US has ever seen. I’m of course talking about the gathering of the gun nuts in Virginia this week in what might be one of the stupidest protests in American history. Most of the time people protest causes that are supposed to benefit people. Climate change. Not wanting to get shot. Those are good causes right? Gun nuts are protesting… not being able to shoot things. And the rally in Virginia was quite the stuff of insanity.





Of course you are, and as to the question as to why gun owners would need something so big… oh fuck it, just go make some penis jokes on your own. I’ll wait. But then of course things got weird. And how did they get weird? Well he showed up. And by him, no, not Trump himself, who was egging on the 2A protestors, but Alex Jones. Who was literally riding around in an armored car. You know for people who hate tyranny, they really are showcasing what a tyrannical government looks like, aren’t they?





Yeah probably. But things could have been way worse. I mean get a bunch of big fat white guys with itchy trigger fingers and some really big guns into a small area? Thank god nothing set them off or this could have gone very badly for them. And guess what? You know how we joke about how they have a false flag equivalency for everything (see: Idiots #5-7 and Idiots #4-13)? Well of course Infowars has to go and float that conspiracy!





No bribes here! But at least the gun nuts showed that they are capable of good clean fun, whatever that may be. Once they are done gulping down buckets of Jim Bakker’s end times prepper food in preps for whatever excuse of a rally that was, at least they cleaned up their mess. Could they clean up the mess caused by their president? I’m guessing probably not.






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[font size="8"]Houston Astros
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I know this isn’t really anything to do with politics but it’s dominating the news and I am OK so there’s no icons for “World Series stealer” or “being a cheating douchebag”. But what I am about to say, I say this as a baseball fan and in particular an AL West fan. Houston Astros, fuck you. Yeah the sooner you realize that the better. Also, Alex Cora - fuck you too. If you’re a sports fan at all the fact that the Houston Astros cheated their way to a World Series and Alex Cora won a world series the following year should both disgust and sicken you. And by the way Alex Cora and Jose Altuve really aren’t helping things. If anything they’re making the situation worse. Come on, MLB, seriously, Pete Rose got banned for less than this.





Oh fuck off. You know who else said that that they’re doing nothing wrong? Donald J. Trump, and you know how well that’s going! So what do actual baseball players think of the latest allegations surrounding the Houston Astros and Alex Cora? Well, behind the scenes the managers and owners are furious about the Astros’ cheating scandal and rightfully so. They pretty much ruined it, and don’t think the Red Sox are immune from this either. Pretty much anyone under the influence of Alex Cora is now highly suspect.





Yeah this whole thing with the Astros really is kind of like Mr. Burns stuffing a beer league team with World Series caliber players. Now the control group for this whole thing - what does an actual Houston Astro think of the sign stealing scandal? Let’s ask OF Josh Reddick, who was actually on the 2017 team that won the World Series, what he thinks of the whole ordeal. And this is coming from someone who was on the inside.





Damn straight it does! And if this was a managerial decision, what does that say about the players and staff who were unwitting pawns? Well let’s take a look at one of the whistleblowers in this whole damn scenario. So the Astros used some James Bond level tech to cheat. Actually they really just used things available at your local Best Buy. But nevertheless, what they did was wrong and they should absolutely be punished for it.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: You Snooze You Lose
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The science of sleep is a complex and tricky one. And if you cannot sleep, which is a lot of us, there’s many ways that can help that. One of which is a sleep apnea machine. However, if you do use a sleep apnea machine or are heavily considering one, you should be aware that one of the world’s top manufacturers of such devices is currently under fire. You may have been unfairly targeted by ResMed if you are a customer considering a device. And they’re not the only company in the sleep apnea business that is engaging in this practice. If you feel that you were unfairly targeted by some aggressively shady business practices, well, you’re not alone.





But even if you are in the market for a CPAP machine, getting one can be a nightmare for the people who actually need one. Insurance companies don’t make it easy for people to obtain devices like this that they actually need. And if the provider is under fire for aggressively targeting customers, that negates the people who might actually really need a machine like this because a sleeping disorder can affect how they work and live.





So insurance can make or break a claim on a sleep apnea machine. But what if you’re trying to make a claim through your employer and you’re denied? Here’s where it gets highly suspect. Let’s take this case that recently went before SCOTUS where a truck driver attempted to obtain a sleep apnea machine and sued the company to get it. That case went all the way before SCOTUS and they ruled in favor of the company and not of the driver.





But we don’t want you to think this is all doom and gloom for sleep apnea sufferers. There is a cure out there that could alleviate the machine and make it easier for people to obtain a good night’s sleep. This drug is a bit… controversial. Some might say it is even something that would not be good for you if you inhaled too much of it. But it is a drug that is all natural and would be a good alternative to a sleep apnea machine. OK, that drug is weed.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Amherst! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we talk a lot of crap about super right wing Christian fundamentalists but there’s people like this in every religion. And the war is the same – it’s traditional vs modern. And I say this because there’s a group of let’s say old men, in this country who do not embrace change. Take for instance our good friends in the Catholic Church. Now don’t boo. Don’t boo. The Catholic Church has long looked to overturn this barbaric practice of priests and celibacy. And it’s a fight that goes back centuries. But while they’ve made great strides with Pope Francis, a former pope, Pope Benedict, has stepped in and well, he’s got some thoughts.





Yes, Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out. And I’ve seen Spotlight, I know what goes on behind closed confessional booths. So you’re booing me now. Ah, so now the tables have turned, haven’t they? But this war goes deep, my fair congregation. So deep that it could have some devastating long term effects on the Vatican itself.





And by the way in case you’re wondering if the Catholic Church is in full “move along, nothing to see here” mode, whew, oh boy are they ever. But really Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out, especially after new allegations are surfacing against priests and abuse. The only real crisis here is that there’s a bunch of abusers and they are showing no remorse for the victims that they abused. Pope Francis is trying to steer the church in a much more modern tradition.





That is a good point Reverend, but we’ll save that for a different sermon. Because I’m sure that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! And really by the way, give it up for my choir, how great are they? So if the Catholic Church can’t get it together on priests and marriage, what can they get it together on? Well don’t expect them to come to a conclusion anytime soon.





Yes so if we learned anything during our sermon today, just about everything is a sin, and this might be one of the most egregious of all! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Your Celebrity’s Political Opinions
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Can we be friends with people who may do something even slightly controversial? Yeah that may be a stupid question, but this is the year 2020, where social media freaks out at the slightest mention of a person’s team or vice. I mean just look at BTS fans, shit, they freak out if one of the members so much as gets out of bed in the morning! But take a look at what’s happened the last couple of weeks. Sure, you had Ellen DeGeneres hanging out with George W Bush, and now you have Vince Vaughn hanging out with Donald Trump. I mean what’s a guy like that going to do in that situation? Punch Trump in the face slow motion style? Seriously, can we just take a step back and pull our heads out of each other’s asses and act like civilized adults here? No? Sigh.





Oh come on! Has anyone cared about anything that Vince Vaughn has done since Wedding Crashers? I wonder how many times he gets asked where the meatloaf is? I mean come on, this is rage bait taken to some new extremes. And the funny thing is – conservatives are the ones who are trying to get us to be mad at this, and it’s backfiring on them big time!





So we can add “fake outrage” to the list of things conservatives royally suck at! But Vince Vaughn wasn’t the only celebrity who got hammered over their comments this week. Take a look at what happened to Stephen King. Yes, that Stephen King, the guy who gave us “It” and “The Shining”. So apparently he made some comments about how the Oscars should choose the best movies and not for diversity, and well, once again the internet lost their collective shit, but apparently only white males were the ones who were offended.





No, Ron, that’s not the kind of diversity we’re talking about. But when it comes to who is being triggered, this once again opens up one of the biggest circular firing squads of all time. But really this whole thing is getting really out of hand. Just because your favorite celebrity may hang with people who you consider “the enemy” or they say something that may “offend you”, can we just let it go? Oh wait, this is 2020 we were talking about here. Crap only our 3rd edition of the year and I need to go on vacation.






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[font size="8"]NO! REM Vs Trump Round 3
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One of my favorite things about this current political climate that we live in is when a right wing politician gets caught with their pants down when they use a song without the artists’ approval. It’s happened time and time again. And it seems that no matter what song Trump uses, whether it’s REM’s classic “Everybody Hurts” or it’s the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” in his rallies, everyone seems to have an opinion. And by the way, You Can’t Always Get What You Want perfectly describes the Trump administration. in fact I’d even say it’s a metaphor. But not everyone is feeling why Trump has been using these songs, and Michael Stipe himself is telling Trump that he can’t do it.





Yes, this feud has been ongoing for quite a while. We previously covered this in Top 10 #6-7. But it’s not going away anytime soon. And – this may *NOT* surprise you but it’s also not the first time that Trump has been caught with his pants down using a song that he didn’t have permission for. This week. And this one doesn’t have anything to do with the artists’ political opinions either.





Eventually it’s going to be down to Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and that guitar army from Idiocracy. And by the way in case you’re wondering just how effective music is at Trump’s rallies, there’s a very real possibility that this is the linked playlist. It’s really just the same playlist you’d find on the 70s station at your local Starbucks or XM radio channel. The biggest surprise is his use of the Village People’s “Macho Man”. Come on, doesn’t he know the history of the Village People? I guess not.





OK if Trump wants to use music at his rallies, he should at the very least find out whether or not that artist likes him at first. And if he wants his music cred to be known, maybe if you’re trying to go for some live music at your rallies, don’t do this. This might be my favorite part of one of his recent rallies – he hired a band that goes by the name of “Live Music”. Yes, that is their name. And this one I did Google – they actually do exist. No, I’m not talking about the actual band Live, which is a far better 90s alternative rock band, I’m talking about a band called Live Music.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this is that we have a few drinks and discuss anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because you should never combine booze and politics. Well this one may be borderline because we are going to be discussing robots in this segment. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about robots? I’m apparently being told that my bartender is being replaced with something called a “Robot Drink Buddy”. OK so tell me Robot Drink Buddy, what do you recommend? A Cadillac margarita already pre-mixed in your blender? OK sure, I will try one of those, easy on the salt. Hmm… not bad. But the reason why I bring this up is because robots were all the rage at CES this year and there’s everything from bathroom pals to robotic prosthetics as seen in Star Wars.





Thankfully we haven’t got to those kinds of robots yet, but seeing as how humans just can’t control their insatiable blood lust, we might get there. But this is my favorite story to come out of CES, and that is coming from everyone’s favorite toilet paper manufacturer Charmin. Yes, the company responsible for those commercials featuring talking bears rapping about how clean their assholes are, is bringing us some bizarre and potentially useful bathroom technology!





Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that! So Charmin has laid out the future of bathroom technology although we suspect that V.R. Pee will be used more for evil instead of good. But while Charmin has its’ eye on the restroom, Toyota is setting it’s sites on conquering whole cities. Tesla may have pioneered the concept of the electric car but Toyota is taking it a step further. Think Bruce Wayne’s cell phone tech from the Dark Knight.





Could you imagine driving an autonomous car to a restaurant where autonomous robots serve you drinks like our Robot Drink Buddy is doing? I mean I don’t want to think that we’re heading toward a blank planet but it does seem like that’s our future. But then again we could be merging toward more of a Jetsons or Futurama like future where humans and robots co-exist. But if the robots of the future are anything like the humans of today, don’t count on it.






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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 20: Iowa Straw Poll Preview
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”. Yes, we’re 11 months away from deciding the fate of the future of this country. Will Americans embrace fascism and give us another 4 years of the orange asshole or will freedom prevail and we will kick him out of office? Well the first part of what always seems like a 16 year campaign starts in the January of election year and that is the Iowa Straw Poll. Yes, the 800,000,000 candidates vying to unseat Trump are headed to Iowa in hopes that they will be the 46th president of the United States. Of America. Are you part of the Yang Gang? Or mayor Pete Buttigieg? Or Elizabeth Warren? Or maybe Bernie Sanders is your jam. Anyway Iowa and New Hampshire will be where it all gets narrowed down.





I think I know who Texas guy is voting for but I can’t quite put my finger on it. But the Iowa Straw Poll is a recent tradition. But this is a weird time in American history because we are currently fighting as if the last election never ended. And we can thank endless years of Clinton bashing by the far right that got us to this point. Yes, the government has been at a stand still but for how long?





Maybe that’s why there was such a low voter turnout in 2016, too many people couldn’t fit in the voting booth! By the way if you haven’t seen this week’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, there was a great scene where Larry tries wearing a MAGA hat in a bunch of different situations and finds that it’s a great way to get out of a jam. But sadly the good people of Iowa will be seeing a lot of those on Straw Poll Day.





If you’re in Iowa and you’re planning on voting in the Straw Poll in Des Moines, you’re definitely going to need a good dose of MAGA spray to ward off the trolls. Not to mention all the stupidity surrounding bathroom appliances in another Trump barfs his brain rally. But the Iowa poll can make or break a candidate. Just ask Trump’s lawyer and soccer dad working on his forth Modelo, Rudy Giuliani. He could have been president but totally blew it in Iowa. So don’t get too confident!






[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we will reveal the winner of the Iowa Straw Poll, the runners up, and what to expect going forward!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Brittany Howard[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest you know her best as the voice of Alabama Shakes. She is touring behind her new solo album called “Jaime”. Playing her song “History Repeats”, give it up for Brittany Howard!




Thank you El Paso! This was fun! We’re off to San Antonio next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Georgetown University, Washington, DC
Special Thanks To: University Of Georgetown
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Georgetown Choir Club
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
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Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 15, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-2: War, What Is It Good For? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-2: War, What Is It Good For? Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict at our host venue, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up U-Mass? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Congratulations to the LSU Tigers on a perfect season. And the Clemson Tigers, you had a good run and you can sleep easier knowing you don’t have to eat Big Macs with Trump. Also RIP to Neal Peart. He could definitely be a contender for the drumming GOAT, and he was a pretty awesome dude at that. Do we have time for the thing? OK Southwest, I have a great advertisement for you. See, I provide ideas, that’s what I do. Well, anyway the reason I bring that up is that I’m sure you saw this viral clip from the Canadian version of Family Feud over the weekend going viral. So in the Canadian version, they have a sudden death lightning round. And the question that was asked had an extremely obvious answer. Well the woman who was answering had probably one of the dumbest answers in Family Feud history. You know what? Let’s show the clip.



Man they need to borrow a sound bite from a fellow game show and play the Price Is Right losing horn because that was quite the epic fail if there ever was one. Which is why this would make a great advertisement and you wouldn’t even need much, just that clip. Wanna get away? All right that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Stephen Colbert is back and talks about how Trump nearly got us into World War III:



So Donald J. Trump nearly brought us to the brink of nuclear war and almost kickstarted World War III, and almost kind of dodged a bullet there. In the first slot this week is of course the “ROAD TO WORLD WAR III” (1). And thank god that Congress is introducing legislation to limit Trump’s war powers. In the second slot this week is Donald J. Trump (2) and we’re going to catch you up on the latest in the ongoing impeachment trial. We’re weeks away from it going to the Senate, but Mitch McConnell obviously has his head up his ass and is refusing to play fairly. Taking the third slot this week, we’re going across the pond to tell you some disturbing news is that Boris Johnson’s Brexit (3) has been approved and Jan 31st will be the day that the UK leaves the EU, and it’s going to be an economic disaster. At slot #4 is former member of the People Who Somehow Got Elected club and that’s CA rep Duncan Hunter (4), and he is leaving Congress! Yay!! In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, we’re going to ask the question “is your boss a psychopath?”. Do you view the movie “Horrible Bosses” as a comedy or a documentary? We will let you be the judge! And in the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is alarmed at an event that took place in Virginia called the “Movement Conference” (make your own jokes) that aims to tear down walls of separation of church and state, and he will take these so-called “Prayer Warriors” to task. In the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) – OK so Melania Trump is on an anti-bullying campaign and conservatives and has-been celebrities can’t help but harp on Time Magazine’s person of the year Greta Thunberg. Is it OK? No. And in the 8th slot this week is a segment that originally appeared in our big British edition “What’s Up With The Royal Family?” (8), and Megan and Harry are set to leave the Royals, and head for the States. We will tell you what that means. Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is an all new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates, just whose side are Andrew Yang fans on? We will analyze the burgeoning candidate and let you find out for yourself! And the palate cleanser for all this, some live music from the awesome Foals! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Here’s the thing – you elect a republican, you’re going to go to war. That’s about as basic of a statement as you’re going to get. Trump and the military industrial complex want a war with Iran, and they’re going to give it to us whether we want it or not. Because why? There’s profit to be made in war, peace is boring and not profitable for weapons manufacturers. Where’s Tony Stark when you need him? He managed to privatize peace. But over New Year’s, Trump nearly brought us to the brink of not just a war with Iran, but with World War III. And it’s having some serious consequences. So just how bad was the killing of Soleimani and what are the consequences of it? Well…

Donald Trump on Saturday drew what may come to be seen as the most significant red line of his presidency in a three-part tweet, vowing specific military action against Iran if it "strikes any Americans, or American assets."

"We have ... targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very high level & important to Iran & the Iranian culture" and "if Iran strikes any Americans, or American assets... Iran itself, WILL BE HIT VERY FAST AND VERY HARD," Trump wrote in a series of tweets.

Trump reiterated his warning in a series of tweets early Sunday, saying the United States just spent $2 trillion on military equipment.
"We are the biggest and by far the BEST in the World! If Iran attacks an American Base, or any American, we will be sending some of that brand new beautiful equipment their way...and without hesitation!," he tweeted. "They attacked us, & we hit back. If they attack again, which I would strongly advise them not to do, we will hit them harder than they have ever been hit before!"
https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/04/politics/trump-warning-iran-52-assets/index.html




Man remember the good old days when the mere idea of bombing Iran was just the musings of a creepy old guy singing a Beach Boys song parody?

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Yeah that happened! But now it is not just the musings of a creepy old guy in song format, but it could possibly be a reality, and a reality which we should all be fearful of! Because, that’s our media – fear fear fear fear fear!!! Be afraid!!!





Holy shit!! Yeah he’s going to get a whole bunch of people killed in the process. But remember the terror code list from the Bush era where things were red to green in terms of severity? Well, Trump downgraded the severity of Soleimani’s killing from “imminent threat” to “deterrence”. Despite that the government and citizens of Iran are saying literally the opposite.





I don’t claim to know a lot, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how a red herring works. And now we play the blame game. Who is getting blamed for this? Well since no one reads past the headlines anymore, the US is blaming Iran, and Iran is blaming the US. But Iran doesn’t have a petulant man baby currently holding the highest office in the land. Apparently they haven’t joined the Putin Dictators’ Club yet .I hear there are a few memberships open for that position.





Yeah that’s kind of what the international blame game is like. I would talk more about the horrible plane crash that happened in Baghdad as a result of this, but making fun of that would be beneath us. That said, we can talk about President Man Baby’s revealing of why he killed Soleimani. I mean really this begs the question – did Mar A Lago guests know about the killing before hand? And the other question - WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? Absolutely nothing!!! Say it again!!






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[font size="8"]Donald J. Trump
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I’m just going to warn you right now that next week’s Top 10 could have a very different attitude depending on the outcome of the impeachment trial. Right now I’m expecting that the Senate will vote not to go through with impeachment and conviction which means that we will most likely be in a “fuck everything mood”. On the other hand if they surprise us, we will be in a “pop the champagne” mood. So that said, since Trump nearly brought us to the brink of World War III to distract from impeachment, how is that sitting with Congress and most particularly Adam Schiff? Well, let’s find out how well it’s going.





Where is Thanos? Can we just snap with the Infinity Stones and erase the last 3 years? Or can we snap forward 5 years? What? That’s not how it works? The question now is whether or not John Bolton is going to testify at the big senate hearing. The strange thing is that we never, not once ever, thought that Mitt Romney would be the voice of reason when the opposing party has become a dangerous and scary cult.





I don’t know why we’re using Endgame GIFs, but really it does feel like the end of a very long and strange trip doesn’t it? But apparently now Nancy Pelosi says that there’s a new “truckload” of evidence that suggests that Trump did the deed of asking the Ukraine to dig up dirt on Biden even though it’s a completely baseless and bullshit conspiracy theory. How’s that going?





Yeah…well why do we let Russia get away with anything? Since the 1980s, Russia has consistently produced nothing but bad for society. Hell, even before the 80s, it was pretty well known that Russia was the Loki to the USA’s Thor. But you know next week is our Straw Poll Special, and with the Straw Poll happening in Iowa like it always does, how does impeachment fly there?



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[font size="8"]Brexit Goes Through
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Last week while the rest of the world was sleeping and Trump was rage-tweeing whatever his brain barfed while he was on the toilet, his doppleganger, Boris Johnson got to work with the newly elected, ultra conservative British Parliament, and got to work on derailing Europe’s economy. Yes, after the glorious clusterfuck of the last 3 years watching the British government absolutely implode, Brexit is going to be a reality and we have exactly two weeks before it takes effect! So just what can you expect from this latest shit show? Well we’re going to be hearing a lot about it in the last 10 days.





That is a good point, sir. But I’m sensing a pattern here. The people who want Brexit are the same as the people who want Catalan separated from Spain. Who are the same people who are bringing white supremacy back to Italy. Who are the same people who elected Bolsonaro in Brazil and Erdogan in Turkey. And… the same people who want Johnson and Trump! I figured it out! The entire planet is sinking into a right wing hell hole! Sit back and watch the show, boys and girls, it’s gonna get ugly!





Except none of this is good! I mean come on, in 3 and a half years that the planet has been turned upside down and flipped toward the right wing hell hole we’re vast descending into, should anyone be surprised at this? Anyone? Well, just wait until you see how much Brexit is already destroying the British economy – and we’re not even 15 days out from it taking full effect!





Holy shit!!! Hey, I thought conservatives hated wasteful government spending! It’s only a mere $260 billion, that’s what, half an Amazon? But really conservatives are going to keep digging their own holes, and the sad thing is that they will blame this on liberals, because reasons. But let’s listen to actual MEPs who may hold grave warnings about what’s ahead for Europe. But why should they listen?






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[font size="8"]Duncan Hunter
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One of the stupidest political scandals we’ve seen in quite some time come from San Diego’s Duncan Hunter. Remember when he got caught spending ungodly amounts of campaign money for personal expenses (see: Idiots #5-10). And it got to be quite the stuff of insanity especially when he spent $600 transporting his pet rabbit on a Southwest flight. Yeah that’s a thing that happened. Well, Duncan Hunter is no longer going to be an elected representative from California. And we can’t be the first to say “Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”.





Yes, ha ha indeed! But here’s the weird thing about this – Gov. Newsome hasn’t stated that he wants to hold an election to replace Hunter. And San Diego is a pretty heavily republican district, and we’re really not sure why. We suspect that Mr. Hunter only got elected because not enough people showed up to the election to vote on his replacement. So who is vying to replace him?





Yes, stay classy San Diego, but now that the dust has settled, where does the blame lie? You could probably blame the voters because they fall for the classic textbook definition of insanity. Which as you know is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So why is Hunter’s seat remaining vacant for a year? Well the answers are not as easy as you might think.







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Really Horrible Bosses
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



You might think that your boss is the worst boss out there. But the idea of bosses being psychopaths is nothing new. Whether it happens in a dark comedy or it happens in real life, the dangers of your boss being a horrible person are not only a much more common occurrence, you could right now be employed by one. And the more likely a person is to be anti-social and reckless with their behavior, the more likely they are to be employed on the higher ranks of the corporate ladder. And the overall statistics are more alarming than you might think. It’s not just your boss, one out of 3 tend to be psychopaths and engage in inappropriate behavior.





But bosses shouldn’t be mocking people for calling their grandmother “gam gam”. However, just like being in an abusive relationship, being in a horrible work relationship may be detrimental to your overall health. Psychopaths, like Donald Trump or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons, for instance, thrive under a certain kind of leadership, and it’s the kind that those of us who aren’t leaders are the ones that everyone else hates.





So you cringing at staying at work a few extra hours late, or doing things that your boss orders you to do, is perfectly normal. It’s your boss who is the one who isn’t. So how do you look for signs that your boss might be a psychopath? Well one of the clues might lie in his e-mails that he sends not only to you but to the whole company. Just watch for certain keywords.





And that is usually the ultimate goal of a CEO is to squash the competition. But just like any movie where the boss is the bad guy, in the end they will all get their just desserts. You may have to answer to your boss, but even your boss has to answer to his boss, and ultimately isn’t that where it all leads in the end?





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Amherst! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Are you a “prayer warrior”? Well of course you are, you’re attending my church after all! But the reason why I ask is that there was an event in Virginia last week. We did not attend, instead we watched the live stream. But it was very alarming. The higher ends of this church were alarmed that the Christian right wants to tear down the separation of church and state. That’s the very thing keeping this country from becoming a totalitarian hell hole. These people are determined to break down the things that keep America a free country. The event in question is called the “Movement 2020” conference. Come on, this should be called the “Gathering Of The Deplorables”. These people are organized, they are armed, and they are angry!





Now these are some very dangerous groups who preach where the highest levels of government are present. What are they trying to accomplish? What is their motive? Well when you peel back the layers of this insane event, their motive becomes far more shockingly clear. And if you guessed it’s the opposite of what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, well, you might be right. Take for instance, one of our favorite groups, One Million Moms, they were there.





Yeah seriously come on!!! They give us shit for being snowflakes but they can’t even hear the word “damn”?? That’s a shocking level of hypocrisy from the Prayer Warrior movement. And that’s certainly not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want. In fact let’s examine the Prayer Warrior movement a bit further. These people are not on our side. Instead, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church!





That he does! And his name is someone who I shall not say in my church, because he currently occupies the highest office in the land!! These Prayer Warriors are not out to change America or the world for the better, they’re only making it worse! So much worse! If you want a rundown of some of the attendees in this conference, just look at how their “harvest of souls” even t went, and who was in attendance.





Except that doesn’t have any relevance to what we’re talking about. Or maybe it does. But really “Harvest Of Souls”? “Prayer, praise and prophecy?” Are they starting a religious movement or a heavy metal concert? Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Conservatives Vs Greta Thunberg
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While we were taking our much needed break during the holidays, we missed Time Magazine naming 16 year old Swedish environmental activist and social media darling Greta Thunberg as their Person Of The Year. And conservatives lost their collective minds over this. Not to mention Trump has his head up his ass on this subject. But the fact that Trump didn’t get the award and lost his shit over it, really shows where Trump’s head is at in 2020. Come on, we’re just 15 days into the year. It’s going to be a really long year, people. So why do conservatives have such a beef with a 16 year old environmental activist? Is it because she’s out there making it happen while they’re sitting on their computers doing absolutely nothing about it but complaining? Sounds about par for the course.





I’ll do anything for loooooooooooooove, but I don’t care about facts! Ah, that doesn’t have the same ring to it doesn’t it? But really Greta, the first thing you should remember in the social media is that this is the era of the troll. And I’m not even going to say what Sebastian Gorka called her, you can Google that one yourself. Because, fuck that guy. Anyway Greta, don’t feed the troll. Just don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…





Ah you fed the trolls why did you do that??? You can’t win a guy like Meatloaf over with facts. It’s pretty well known that since the Trump train attracts has-been celebrities that he’s a solid contender for a D-list republican. But let’s expand on feeding the trolls a bit. In the social media era, people have been compelled to bully children because reasons. Just ask the Parkland Survivors. It’s a phenomenon that really needs to be addressed.





That is a good question sir! And that is coming from the President Of The United States by the way. Yes, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES sent an insulting tweet to a teenage climate change activist. And the Trumpsters are apparently OK with that. And children aren’t the only ones who are being targeted, look at someone like Lizzo who had a meltdown last week after some vicious trolling. Can we stop it with this shit already? Just don’t feed the trolls!






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[font size="8"]What’s Up With The Royals?
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Just when you think our government can’t get any crazier, the British come along and say “hold my pint of Boddington’s!”. As American looking to engage in a bit of schadenfreude, you can’t help but marvel at the mystical clusterfuck that is the Royal Family. Mystical Clusterfuck, by the way, just got added to Coachella night #2. Anyway, the last time we explored what the Windsors were up to was in our Big British Edition (see Idiots #5-23. The other baffling thing is that here in America, we laugh and mock the supermarket tabloids mercilessly, because they’re full of ridiculously stupid shit. In England? They have so much power that they control the narrative. And they control the narrative so much that they’re actually manipulating the Royals. Which is why Harry and Meghan just said “fuck it”. And you know what Harry? We don’t blame you one bit.





Damn they have some wacky traditions don’t they? And the weird thing about this story is that the level of bullying from the supermarket tabloids against Meghan and Harry varies depending on who is doing the reporting. But this is never OK under any circumstances and we know how this ends unfortunately, so there is that.





And seriously, wrong wedding by the way. If our British friends happen to be watching, keep in mind that the people responsible for our GIFs in this segment have been sacked. Although I mean could you imagine working for a company like Paribas or Chase or Deloitte and having Harry Sussex being your cube mate? Wouldn’t that be just such a mind blower? But Mr. and Mrs. Sussex may want to take a step back before figuring out their tax situation. See in the UK they take taxes a lot more seriously than we do in the US.





Still not the Royal Family but that will do. But things are getting serious with the Royals and this Megexit strategy. Is it Megexit? Or is it Megharexit? Let’s go with Megexit. But just like the actual Brexit, things are getting serious in Merry Ol’ England. So serious that even Parliament is having a say into why this Meghan and Harry thing needs to be resolved and resolved quickly. But yeah we’re not hearing the end of this anytime soon and we will keep you informed!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And I love these stories because we could do 100 of them every single week and they would be all different, and they would be all crazy. So who is dumb this week? Well I want to start with this story out of Bridgeport, Pennsylvania where a guy stole a whole bunch of merchandise from a CVS and then came up with an absolutely bonkers excuse for the police as to why he had all the stolen goods in his pants. But at least he saved a few thousand trees for printing one CVS receipt. Hey, they are that long. Yes, that’s what she said. But let’s hear the guy’s excuse.





I’m going to start using that excuse. “Hey these aren’t my pants!!”. Next up – we are going to Amish country in Michigan. Yes, even the Amish are not immune from stupidity. And we’ve had so many different types of DUIs featured in “People Are Dumb”. We’ve had DUI on a lawnmower, we’ve had DUI on bicycles. We’ve had DUIs on horses, and now we have DUI on a horse-driven carriage. And surprisingly it’s more common than you might thing.





Yes they are! Next up – I think this might be the all drunk edition of People Are Dumb because we’re going to Oklahoma for this next story. But here’s what I want to know – how do you drive a pickup truck with a sleeping passenger and a goat across state lines without the goat making some noise? Goats are assholes when it comes to that sort of thing and they don’t like to be disturbed. So this story raises a whole bunch of questions!



https://imgur.com/gallery/WniV1SM

Yeah that was a goat! Next up of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning America’s most penis-shaped state, the great state of Florida, because Florida never ceases to bring the crazy week after week after week. And this story involves a man and a dog. Except the dog in question happened to be a police dog, and the guy in question happened to be naked and high on meth. Or as they call it in Northern Florida, Tuesday.





Yeah you don’t provoke a police dog under any circumstances. Finally for this week – we go to Louisiana, yes, Looooooooooooooosiana has their fair share of stupid people. Not all of them who live in the Gulf Coast live in Florida. But this might be one of the stupidest drug users that we’ve ever seen here. If the cops pull you over, maybe don’t hide your stash in such an obvious place!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”! We’re going to keep this up all the way through the election, save for when we start Stupidest State in March. But our voters’ guide is designed to keep all of our information about the 2020 election in one place – whether it’s the candidates or the issues, you can find it here! Last week, we talked about the dropouts and we would discuss the end of Cory Booker’s campaign, but instead we’re going to talk this week about one of the unsung heroes of the 2020 campaign and that is businessman Andrew Yang. But his followers, on the other hand, are almost kind of like a cult. So what are they after? What do they want? We will examine these things.





Well, easy answer to that question is a resounding “NO!”. I mean come on we’re a mere 3 fucking weeks away from Iowa and we have to unseat Trump, and everything is an absolute mess right now. That said, we need a front runner. While Cory Booker ended his campaign, Trump is attacking anyone and everyone who dares to question him. But the “Yang Gang” as they’re called, are ready to fight back! I mean they are hopping mad.





Well let’s hope that it doesn’t come to that. But that’s why Andrew Yang is so popular! His fans want to get paid! And seriously who doesn’t with skyrocketing rent and student loans? We need some dolla dolla bills y’all!!! But there is some good news – as the Yang Gang is getting hot at the right time, they have picked up a celebrity endorsement! And that is from our good friend Childish Gambino!





See that kids? You want to hang with the cool people, vote Dem. You want to hang with white supremacists, sexless losers, doomsday preppers, and angry assholes, vote Trump. So Donald Glover is down with the Yang Gang but his list of celebrity endorsements doesn’t stop there. Trump picks up who? Kid Rock? Ted Nugent? Bill O’Reilly? On the other hand Dem candidates like Andrew Yang can pick up endorsements like these.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we’re one week away from the Iowa Straw Poll and we’ll offer our big preview and what you can expect. The road to the DNC 2020 continues!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Foals[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is an awesome British band, they have a great new double album out called “Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost”, playing their song “Exits”, give it up for Foals!




Thank you U-Mass! We had an awesome time! We are off to Georgetown in fabulous Washington DC next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: U-Mass Choir Club, Amherst, MA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Foals Appear Courtesy Of: Warner Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo