There comes a time when one has to make decisions.

The Democratic Underground has been a great place to come and read about things and have discussions about things. There are some people here that I find myself inclined to actually meet because they seem interesting. In short, there is not much here to offend anyone with a brain or a heart.

But then, I have to come to the site and be bombarded with "men suck' and 'it is all men's fault'. Well, some of that is very true, but ALL men did not ruin the world. In fact, some of us were trying to stop what was happening. But, it seems that means nothing around here. Also, I am a gay male. I am not the one who is threatening and repressing women and I am not the one trying to keep them designated as 'lesser than males'. But, I get lumped in with 'all males' when I come here. I don't know whether or not these constant negative attacks based on 'if you have a penis, you are evil incarnate' bother anyone else but it makes me feel very unwelcome. And, that is the last thing I need right now... or at any time for that matter.

Rant over.

Old Christmas

This is something that is celebrated to this day in certain parts of coastal North Carolina. Back in the day, we would all drive down to Rodanthe and take part in the celebration. All that seafood! Although the tradition of Old Bucca, or Old Buck, was just artwork at that time, I heard older people tell me about seeing him during their childhood. There were presents, but not like what you got on the 25th. These were more personal and given as tokens of affection. A grand tradition that I miss terribly from this advanced age and geographic position.

So, today, January 6th, is another Old Christmas. I had a decent enough December 25th, although I sat alone due to my hubby having to work and our roommate being out of town. And, here I sit again... alone. Hubby is working and roomie is out for the night. Tomorrow, I take all this down and return the house to its drab, dull, tomb-like appearance. (We don't own it so we cannot do anything about it. The roomie/owner has the taste of an 1820s innkeeper. The walls are sky blue. The ceiling, carpets, and trim are all white. We live in Minnesota and it is not very mentally helpful to live in a perpetual snowstorm when you are from warmer climes.) I am ambivalent about this, as it really does not matter one way or the other. But tonight, I sit here alone. With my husband working nights and me having to be active during the day, we seldom see each other. I avoid the roomie if at all possible, which is an entirely different horror show. He has no idea how much we know about his machinations and how badly we want to get out of here. But, I have been deemed persona non grata by the government I paid into, since they refuse to give me any Social Security. (I think that this is their racket. They just hold out since statistically, anyone who reaches the age of 65 and requires SS will probably need a lot of it. Therefore, to make sure there is more for politicians to raid once they can the entire program, they know that people like me are doubtful to make it to claimant age and do whatever they can to hasten that outcome in us.) My husband makes to much for me to get a dime. He does not make much of anything in this two-tiered socioeconomic model. And, my name might as well be 'albatross' to him.

Speaking of Social Security, I have found a letter than I think the attorney who is supposedly helping me with my claim has been looking for. I did not even catch what it was. This has been months now, btw. I am slowly losing it. Yesterday, I bought some things at Wal-Mart and walked right out with only one of the bags. Did not catch this until I needed the things I had left later last night. I also find that I am forgetting to flush on occasion. Today, I forgot that I needed to do laundry. Then, around lunch, I put on some water to make some noodles, and then went to watch something on YouTube to await the water to boil and sat there for over thirty minutes while the pot of water boiled mostly away. This is not good. There is no way I can get help for this. There is no way we can afford something like Alzheimers or Parkinsons or whatever is going on. Earlier, I was sitting here in a daze looking at the 17 inches of fucking snow that we have here in the Twin Cities today. Just as I turned to look at yet another drift, a tune came on the system. "I wish there'd be snow on Christmas". I replied, "Well, you can come on up here, we did not have that problem!". I then sat here for about ten minutes laughing and crying at the same time.

Please let this end soon.

I feel this one all the way.

The song goes: "My future's so bright... I gotta wear shades".

Well, my future is so dark I need a searchlight. That hit me while listening to that song on the radio the other day. It also got me thinking... was my future ever bright? From this perspective, I would say it never was and I was delusional to think it ever would be.

So, tomorrow is the day I will put up the holiday stuff.

I will play some appropriate music and make the house look festive. And, then I will sit here in a daze and wonder why I bothered, since no one here will give a rats ass and although I love the trappings, the holiday itself has been a reminder of pain and misery for a long time now. I guess I do it for myself so that I can feel somewhat 'normal' for the month. One thing I will do, which I have always done, is leave it all up until after January 6th, not for recent events, but because that is 'Old Christmas' which is still celebrated around my home area. But again, this will be a typical 'holiday' season, because I have not had much of anything to celebrate for many years now. I wear the mask and say the lines, but it is little more than a performance. Just like the rest of the year.

Ahh... another 'holiday'...

Will it be worth the moniker? Doubtful. I will be alone for much of the day, because my hubby has to work. I am becoming even more decrepit and feeble and when I see his greying hair and the way he seems so beaten down I just want to scream and destroy everything. Fuck being told that doing the right thing was the way to be. Why was I not born a complete asshole? At least I could cover my holiday blues with fake friends and partying because I would have money. But, as the saying goes: Nice guys finish last. Of course, I might add that some barely clear the starting line. Regardless, another year of being reminded that I failed and really have little to be thankful for. Before everyone flips out, Yes, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that, even though we live with a spoiled little rich boy, we live in a decent house (barely) and have a few crumbs of assistance to fall back on. But, it is in these moments that I have to look back and ask: Was my dream that impossible? I was not the one crowing about my supposed talents, everyone else was. Did they ALL lie? (My idea of this answer has changed somewhat of late, as I am now convinced that maybe they all did.)

Sorry, I should stop before the floodgates open. So I will say I hope everyone has a decent enough holiday, regardless of whether you participate in the actual traditions.

Ahh... another 'holiday'...

Will it be worth the moniker? Doubtful. I will be alone for much of the day, because my hubby has to work. I am becoming even more decrepit and feeble and when I see his greying hair and the way he seems so beaten down I just want to scream and destroy everything. Fuck being told that doing the right thing was the way to be. Why was I not born a complete asshole? At least I could cover my holiday blues with fake friends and partying because I would have money. But, as the saying goes: Nice guys finish last. Of course, I might add that some barely clear the starting line. Regardless, another year of being reminded that I failed and really have little to be thankful for. Before everyone flips out, Yes, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that, even though we live with a spoiled little rich boy, we live in a decent house (barely) and have a few crumbs of assistance to fall back on. But, it is in these moments that I have to look back and ask: Was my dream that impossible? I was not the one crowing about my supposed talents, everyone else was. Did they ALL lie? (My idea of this answer has changed somewhat of late, as I am now convinced that maybe they all did.)

Sorry, I should stop before the floodgates open. So I will say I hope everyone has a decent enough holiday, regardless of whether you participate in the actual traditions.

Thought I would check in here.

Went to the St. Anthony voting place at 7:35 a.m.. Light turnout, but there were people voting for sure. I saw this one truck that was parked way over on the other side of the lot and I thought to myself that this might be an 'observer'. But no, as I looked harder, I saw that it was just some person making a call. I did my thing and was out in about twenty minutes. I voted. Now, we wait.

I suppose that this goes in this group.

If it does not, then please feel free to let me know.

I have spent 43 years in the entertainment industry. You name the aspect, I have probably been involved with it if not overseen it for some production or another. I have taught several classes in acting and production in a few different places. including a stint with a touring theatre company who also did classes for the kids after they saw our performance. In 2007, I was hired to work at a private school and I rose from being a part-time after school counselor to creating two departments and several after school clubs as well as doing hundreds of other things around there. I covered for teachers on several occasions because no teacher ever showed up to the classroom and no one ever came to see what was going on. (Were it not for the fact that I was walking by or just nearby when the bell rang and the students were creeping in and out of the classroom door that I found out what was going on. I could understand a glitch, but to not even realize it had happened... on multiple occasions... well...) I ran a few study halls. Students would ask the head of school if I could teach their class. I also spent a lot of time making people who had lovely degrees on their walls look good for the parents while they got paid WAY more than I did. I taught guitar and bass. Suffice to say, I am not some Joe off of the street when it comes to the education profession.

So, I have contacted the local HR for the school district in reply to a letter I got in the mail where they were begging for people to be teachers, subs, and staff. I decided to reply directly to the HR person after I tried to go to the site they mentioned. The site is some company that handles staffing in these cases. (I do not wish to work for some staffing agency, first of all.) I guess they just will not consider anyone other than coming from that company. I do not have a degree in education, or theatre, or anything. I do not have a teaching certificate. So, that site will not consider me for anything other than 'janitor' or the like. This is what made me write to the head of HR. It appears that the head of HR cannot think for herself and must only consider applicants from that site.

I guess they are not as desperate as they are trying to project, eh? I mean, if one are going to whine about how bad off one's faculty and staff are because of not having enough people, maybe one needs to start considering a bit of that 'thinking outside of the box' thing. Because otherwise, one is not going to have enough people and then the entire 'education' system will collapse.

You know...

It is when I am sitting here alone surrounded by the complete failure that is my life that I find myself confused as to why others cannot see it. It is obvious to me. It would be obvious to anyone who wishes to take a look. I have nothing left to offer, or someone would have asked for it by now. I have no desire to do anything because everything I do fails. Now that cold weather is coming, I am really wondering if I will make it through another winter here. Hell, anywhere. Because it always comes down to the same question as far as I am concerned.

Why bother?