December 21, 2024

Welp, the transmission that we had replaced a few months ago is acting up.

We cannot afford to do anything about it. My husband cannot get to work without it. We cannot survive without in this ice covered city.

Merry Fucking Christmas indeed. I should have known. My curse is too much for anything to stop it.

December 19, 2024

This put me on the floor.

I was submitting something to the county when I noticed this in the bar where they show the language options...

December 16, 2024

Looks like time is growing short now.

I woke up this morning. Both hands were aching due to poor circulation. My stomach is getting worse. I cannot do much about this as I have no money to address health issues like this. My gut demands me eat/drink certain things to calm it down. However, these things are not heart healthy. Quite the opposite in fact. But, the discomfort forces the issue. I already had one quad bypass. I am not sure I want another one, since the simple fact remains that I was released from the hospital very fast because my last name is not Soros or Musk. I did not have anyone around during my recovery because my husband has to work. I would prefer not to die slowly and painfully, but I guess I have little choice.

I will say this. Damn this country for falling into the greed trap. Damn this country for saying they like democracy and then proving they are the opposite of democratic Damn this nation for deciding that healthcare should be a profit-based business. Damn this nation for acting like they have a heart or a conscience. I am not the only person who is going to be nothing more than a number on some page and die in obscurity because we were too busy trying to amass everything on the planet and refusing to give a rats ass about other humans. And, we still collectively don't care.

It is four in the morning. Will I make it to five? How about six? Why should I make it to anything when it is just prolonging the suffering? There certainly is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. Why even take another breath? He'd be better off without me hanging around his neck. The whole world would be, since it has already made it clear I offered nothing that it found valuable or worth its time.

December 14, 2024

Are you believing this??

From the New York Post Editorial Board...



The ass kissing begins in earnest now.

These people are so deluded that they think this statement actually makes sense? The mounds of evidence to the contrary just don't register to these sycophants.

THIS is what we are up against.

December 8, 2024

So, since you folks are the only people I talk to other than my husband...

I guess I should tell you about earlier. My husband and I were eating a late lunch (or an early dinner, depending on your practices) and I was talking about a conversation I had with my younger brother. We were talking about the game Dungeons and Dragons and I was bemoaning the fact that each successive version of the game was just another money grab and a desire to explain every single thing about how to play the game, thus removing a lot of the imagination that used to make the game so much fun. He suddenly turns on me and starts berating me about how else could a D&D movie get made without the various versions. I am still not exactly sure what he was talking about, but what I took away from it was that he decided to jump in my shit for what amounted to no reason. I could tell he was in a mood today, but he has been in a mood for several months now.

I have no one else. What can I do when he gets like this? He is like talking to a tree trunk most of the time. I often feel that we dangle on the precipice of the canyon of silence where spouses look at each other but won't communicate and finally fall apart because neither will open up. I love him. I don't want him to be mad at me. I do want him to be more attentive and aware of reality. He seems to want to hide. I have already spent eight years living with someone who wants desperately to hide from reality. It has led to many issues. Too many. I don't want to deal with the idea that the man I love is turning into that man-child, but the evidence is building. I am scared enough without this happening as well.

I am still very confused as to why they can and will put down an animal for what is sometimes a simple thing, but they just won't extend to humans the same courtesy. Very confused.

It is always funny to me that I cry all the time, but when I really need to, I can't

November 26, 2024

I don't know what to say about this.

From the BBC News ticker on my television...

November 14, 2024

If this is true, it is hysterically funny to me.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/how-to-change-my-vote-searches-spike-in-states-won-by-donald-trump/ar-AA1u0yBR

Buyers remorse, eh?

My brother in Floridistan tells me he has been engaging with one of his neighbors and the guy voted for the orange gibbon. He railed about this and that. Well sir, on the Friday evening after Election Day, my brother went out to find the neighbor walking around his yard with a very depressed look on his face. He inquired and was told that, earlier in the day, his staff was called into a meeting where the were told that they were not getting their Holiday bonuses this year because the company had to stock up on as much whatever imported things they use on account of the tariff threat. He did not know this would happen. He did not know that his company would do such a thing.

Except that he did. My brother had explained all of this to him on the Sunday before Election Day when they were chatting over the fence while their dogs went to go potty. My brother told him all of this. The guy basically said that my brother was lying about how tariffs work and how that idiot was going to wreck things for most of the country thanks to tariffs that would destroy some industries entirely.

He believes my brother now... the stupid get...

November 11, 2024

I had a real chest pain yesterday, not just a twinge.

I am now conflicted. I want this to end. But, I am worried about my husband. More and more, he seems to be mentally slipping. I don't know what this would do to him. I still stand by the fact that he would be better off without the albatross hanging on his neck. I do know that my life is over and has been for some time. I am just a zombie.

He deserves better than a zombie for a mate. Especially one that can barely even be a zombie.

November 10, 2024

I am in awe and in tears...

This man... this entity... this creator... has been on this planet for 78 years... may he be here another 78.

As always... for Monty and Jeff...

November 8, 2024

Glad I don't have much longer. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER)

My country has failed me. I never asked for much of anything. But, it seems that even my small requests were too much for a country that is trying so desperately to win a contest that does not exist.

I did my time in the military. Means nothing. I was always the first person to run towards the scene of an accident. Means nothing. I never did anything to ostracize anyone and tried my best to be a decent person. It all means nothing. I said for decades that the only way to get ahead in the US was to be a soulless animal. Wednesday proved me right in a most spectacular way. I also said that I will certainly fail because I am not a soulless animal. I guess I am in a tiny minority.

Now (meaning the last ten years or so), I am physically falling apart. Now, I am mentally becoming much worse. Now, I am emotionally empty and have no spark of life or even a tiny flicker. Now, I want to avoid the pain and suffering that is inevitable for those like me. I have always said that, although I desperately want to pass on, I lack the courage to take that level of control in my miserable life.

Wednesday just might finally be the catalyst that I need. I could already see the writing on the wall. People like me are an anachronism and it seems even our knowledge is not welcome or desired. So, we have noting but a slow, tortuous descent into the end to look forward to. I always said that I would not just mark time in my existence on this earth... now, thanks to failing at life and failing at health, I can doing nothing else but.

Why was I even allowed to exist in the first place if this was to be the result? How can anyone believe in a deity when we live in such a time and with such heartless and cruel human beings? How can we believe in the principles of our founding document when we live in a society that obviously could care less about justice, equality, the general welfare, etc.?

Why bother?