Scapegoated for reporting

[jfz9580m]

32. Well this is truly going to be my last post for a long time

Last edited Thu Mar 7, 2024, 01:50 AM - Edit history (6)

How can you miss me if I never leave heh ;-/?

I have deleted some of the other posts..it is unpleasant stuff to dwell on. I am a solid Me Too supporter but I do believe in keeping conflict to what is necessary and not more than that. It is not as if I have met any Harvey Weinsteins etc. Some of my stress responses to what I at least perceived at various points as creepy shit is more a reaction to how dystopian some of the systems being built are than specific people.

I probably also overreacted a few times. Not that I want anything alarming or creepy or sketchy etc. It is just that I am not sure sometimes whether stuff is actually creepy or just annoying/dated and kinda moronically conservative, which is not precisely the same thing. When you are sure of your rights you don’t constantly worry that they will be violated somehow. I suppose I am trying to get back to being sure of my rights.

If systems seem somewhat dystopian, unfair, dishonest and disruptive as a whole, it exacerbates stress responses to things that could merely be more minor creepy annoyances one moves past quickly, knowing that they cannot affect you or your life much. It is when something that is not very reassuring seems inescapable that people react badly and find it hard to move on from all of life’s downs.

Good luck to you mutant and proud. Maybe there isn’t really a problem. I had a couple of bad experiences that triggered an atypically paranoid and self-absorbed state in me -that is only starting to fade slowly in the last two years. I mean I still get paranoid whenever I mix up the world on social media or tv and real life. I like to avoid all the stuff I find kinda hideous and I lost my way somehow. I startle easily around external chaos. People who have a lot of chaos in their private lives (and sadly I am one) seek stable and non chaotic/non sleazy things in their dealings with the outside world.

The theory is always that one day I will get my own chaos and work under control. But if a chaotic person is in some sort of move-fast-and-break-shit environment their world falls apart.

Before this bad patch of my life I lead a pretty uneventful life and people were generally cool. This was atypical.

It will probably go back to that. After a bad period in my life, I spent a lot of time alone working on a paper and brooding on the general hideousness of everything. Not seeing many real people, having miscommunications with some and brooding and following only news etc. That is never good because for the more lucky, middle class, white collar people out there, their actual lives are going to be less atrocious than the world in tv etc. which selects for what is awful.

I was at my hospital today and I generally find hospitals reassuring except for the one time my mom fell terminally ill (which is a shitty situation -though she had a great oncologist and generally good nurses and care-it is a shitty disease. Anyway life is pretty tough for nurses and doctors). I generally find doctors and scientists fairly easy to deal with.

It is when I don’t know wth I am doing and I start to worry that I am around stuff where no one else might either that I start to lose it. I mean I am dysfunctional..do I need chaotic stuff I cannot even understand?

Maybe in a year or so things will look better once I turn this paper in. Of course with my luck I suppose around then I will discover that I have 15 horrible diseases or something 🙄.
I definitely startle easily around the unknown.

I certainly think there is something to that Surprise Minimization theory this cog psychologist Karl Friston talks about. I have had a far too surprising life in the last 12 years in some ways. I would be very happy with a dully uneventful future. I definitely think it takes the average person a long time to acclimate to the Sartre’s No Exit world in a way if you are suddenly thrown into it. The world is certainly different now from what it was in say 2011..big data, social media, ai, pandemic…
Certainly one unfortunate effect of the No Exit world is it can induce a form of learned helplessness I suppose-where people do feel like these pointless insignificant cogs in machines they largely have no say in. I wouldn’t call it a childlike headspace so much as giving up and becoming entirely indifferent. It has taken me a long time to get over that slowly. It definitely helps if systems at least seem more responsive to distress in useful ways than useless ones (e.g.: coercive stuff). I am so jaded I’ll take even the illusion of responsiveness -as long as I can carry on with my priorities.

Oh well..I have acclimated as much as I can I suppose..

I just want peace ✌️☮️. Let’s hope I can find it..I do find my work soothing when I can work in solitude..I do try to avoid distracting and to me at least somewhat alarmingly chaotic hellscapes ;-/. I like order and structure. Because a lot of the chaos out there..it is not even good chaos..I am not talking about forcing people to lead prim, perfect lives. I am taking more of the kind of chaos resulting from greed, corruption, deregulation, dark ages views etc. As I said, my own life is chaotic 🙄.
I like to avoid the worst versions of order (kinda fascistic, a little conniving and high surveillance etc) with the worst kinds of chaos (disruption, deregulation, corruption, dark ages thinking, shallowness).

Edit: anyway I edited out anything negative. Even wrt tech or industry, there would be unambiguously cool or decent people who work with the kinds of academia that I am most familiar and comfortable with so no point in going off on some people one will fortunately never know who are in the tv and media world-which largely consists of people I at least would not want to know.
I will put an end to this seemingly endless dirge ( 🙄 ) with that and go finish up my paper and move on…and try to be a better scientist..