As 2025 comes to a close, my thoughts turn to mortality—specifically, Trump’s.

Given Metamucilini’s alarming mental and physical deterioration, I don’t think it’s premature to compile a bucket list for him. By “bucket list,” however, I don’t mean things he’d like to do. I mean things we’d like to see him do.

Obviously, undergoing a Nuremberg-style trial, getting convicted, and going to prison for the rest of his life would top the list. But what else should he do before he reunites with his BFF Jeffrey Epstein?

I polled TBR readers to determine which items should go on his bucket list. See how many you agree with, and add your own!
- Take a polygraph test
- Cognitive exam, televised live
- Recite the times table
- Spelling bee vs. 4th graders
- Jump rope
- Visit Mars
- Debate Jasmine Crockett
- Play Jeopardy against Barack Obama
- Push-up contest vs. Michelle Obama
- Wrestle J.B. Pritzker
- Bike race against Biden
…and since he’s so fond of renaming buildings, Trump should be forced to make this slight alteration:

Friends,

Today, after almost a year of Trump’s second regime, I want to talk about the challenge Trump and his regime pose to America’s moral purpose. The best way into the subject is, I think, to ask a few questions about what’s been happening, and then offer an answer to all of them.

Questions:

— Why does Trump’s latest National Security Strategy, released this month, make no distinction between despotism and democracy?

— Why is Trump abandoning Europe and siding with Putin over Ukraine?

— Why is Trump also solicitous of Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince MBS, Hungary’s Viktor Orban, and Benjamin Netanyahu?

— Why is the Trump regime so intent on detaining or deporting undocumented people in the United States who have not committed any crimes and have been productive members of their communities for years?

— Why is the Trump regime barring people from even entering the United States whose home countries are predominantly Muslim or whose inhabitants have mostly black or brown skin?

— Why has the Trump regime allowed Andrew and Tristan Tate — arrested in Romania in 2023 on charges of human trafficking, rape, and forming an organized criminal group to sexually exploit women — to come to the United States?

— Why is the Trump regime admitting into the U.S. white South Africans as refugees, but not Black or brown people who are in grave danger around the world?

— Why has the Trump regime cracked down on diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives in universities, the public sector, and the private sector?

— Why has Trump targeted for prosecution or intimidation so many women of color who are now in, or have recently occupied, positions of power in the United States?

Answer to all of the above:

Trump and the people around him are not interested in protecting America’s democratic ideals from the global enemies of those ideals. They reject the progress America and the rest of what used to be called the “free world” have achieved in advancing democracy, the rule of law, social justice, and human rights.

The world they seek is one of white supremacy, male dominance, the superiority of the Judeo-Christian tradition over all other creeds, and America-first nationalism.

White male Christian nationalism is about power. It seeks to give white Christian men power over Black and brown people, over women, over people who are not Judeo-Christians, over people born outside the United States, and over anyone who does not fit neatly into the structure and roles of a traditional family.

White male Christian nationalism has more in common with Vladimir Putin, who condemns LGBTQ+ people and scoffs at human rights; with Saudi Arabia, which confines women to second-class status and murders critics of the regime; and with Viktor Orban, who views Muslim immigrants as direct threats to Europe’s Christian values, than it does with America’s traditional allies.

So, when Trump and his regime refer to America’s “national security,” they are not talking about security against authoritarian regimes that eschew democracy, the rule of law, and human rights. Their view of “national security” is security against forces — both inside America as well as abroad — that advocate democracy, the rule of law, and human rights (which they describe derisively as “woke” or “diversity, equity, and inclusion”) rather than white male Christian nationalism.

what. the fuck. was that?

here’s what we were promised: a prime-time address to the nation, in which the President of the United States would soberly tout his achievements of the past year, and lay out his agenda for the future.

here’s what we got: some high-as-fuck shitwit, gibbering a mile a minute, gripping the podium for dear life, and barking out a non-stop barrage of obvious lies and nonsensical numbers.

Length: 0:22, closed captions available

“I negotiated directly with the drug companies, foreign nations, which were taking advantage of our country for many decades, to slash prices on drugs and pharmaceuticals by as much as four hundred, five hundred, and even six hundred percent. in other words, your drug costs will be plummeting downward.”

math, how does it work?

clearly, Donny and his handlers are in full panic mode. his approval numbers are in the shitter — so much so that even his own party is beginning to openly defy him. even Fox News can’t hide how toxic Donny’s become.

GREENVILLE, DELAWARE (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Joe Biden said on Wednesday that “he can’t wait” for Jake Tapper to publish a scathing book about Donald J. Trump’s glaring mental decline.

“Jake hasn’t announced that he’s working on a book like that, but I’ll bet you anything he is,” Biden said. “He’s the master of this genre.”

Given Trump’s innumerable episodes of slurred speech, incoherent ramblings, and daytime narcolepsy, Biden predicted that “Jake must be writing one helluva long book.”

“I was feeling kind of sorry for Trump when I pictured him reading Jake’s book,” the former president said. “But then I remembered that he can’t read.”