April 1, 2026

Trump, 79, Struggles to Read From Huge Notes

The president could barely read his own notes, which he said he had written himself.

President Donald Trump, 79, stumbled over his words as he read from his own comically large notes during an executive order signing on Tuesday.

After he signed an executive order to restrict mail-in voting rules nationwide in his latest attempt to tighten his grip on American elections, the geriatric president launched into a lengthy tangent about his beloved vanity project, the $400 million White House ballroom.

Reading from his own notes, which appeared to be written with his favorite black Sharpie—in a size not dissimilar to that of Founding Father John Hancock—Trump experienced some difficulty as he read a few words in particular.

“Basically, he’s saying I need congressional approval,” Trump said, referring to the federal judge who ordered the administration to halt his White House ballroom project. “I see right here, I just wrote it down, he said we need congressional approval.”

“He also said—but this is positive for us—I’m allowed that, meaning we are allowed, to continue building as necessary to, let’s see..." the president continued, appearing to be stumped by the next word for a few moments.

https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-79-struggles-to-read-from-huge-notes/

April 1, 2026

As Uthmeier argues for felons to have guns, Florida prosecutors step in

Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier wants a state appeals court to declare that a man’s conviction for being a felon in possession of a firearm is unconstitutional, a move some legal observers believe could upend long-standing prohibitions on convicts possessing guns.

Uthmeier’s arguments, rooted in Second Amendment jurisprudence, draw a distinction between felons whose crimes make them “dangerous” and those deemed “nondangerous.” Laws disarming the latter group, he argues, are inconsistent with the nation’s “historical tradition.”

The highly unusual move by Florida’s chief legal officer, whose job it is to defend the laws of the state, has stirred mixed reactions in legal and law enforcement communities while drawing praise from gun rights advocates.

Last week, Florida’s elected prosecutors stepped in, voicing strong opposition to Uthmeier’s position in a friend-of-the-court brief.

The Florida Prosecuting Attorneys Association, a professional organization representing the state’s 20 elected state attorneys and their assistant prosecutors, asserted that Uthmeier’s arguments are misplaced.

https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2026/03/31/james-uthmeier-felons-guns-second-amendment-christopher-morgan/

What. a. dipshit.

March 31, 2026

JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn't Love About Baby Name 'Rohit'

WASHINGTON—Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn’t love about the baby name “Rohit.”

“I like where you’re going with it for sure, it’s just, uh, I was thinking we’d go with something a little more, I don’t know, modern?” said Vance, who frowned and nodded slowly as his pregnant wife threw out several alternative suggestions, including “Arun,” “Vrishank,” “Jeevan,” and “Hassan.”

“Hear me out, what about ‘Theodore?’ Now that’s an interesting name. If you really love ‘Rohit,’ we could use it as his middle name. Not on the birth certificate or anything, but like a secret, family-only middle name.”

Vance went on to add that he always thought the name “Donald” had a nice ring to it.

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-struggling-to-articulate-what-it-is-he-doesnt-love-about-baby-name-rohit/

March 31, 2026

The 'God Squad' Waives Environmental Rules for Offshore Drilling

The panel voted to override Endangered Species Act restrictions on oil and gas activities in the Gulf of Mexico, home to critically endangered whales and other imperiled wildlife.

A powerful panel of Trump administration officials voted unanimously on Tuesday to exempt oil and gas drilling in the Gulf of Mexico from measures to protect endangered whales and other imperiled species.

The panel, the Endangered Species Committee, a high-level group that is often called the God Squad because it essentially holds the power to decide whether a species lives or dies, adopted the move during a brief, closed-door meeting at the Interior Department.

Until Tuesday, the God Squad had convened only three times, and never in the past three decades.

It was the Trump administration’s latest move to weaken the Endangered Species Act, the bedrock environmental law intended to prevent plant and animal extinctions. In November, the administration proposed to relax restrictions on drilling, logging and mining in critical habitats for endangered species across the country.

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/31/climate/god-squad-whales-gulf.html

March 31, 2026

Trump administration lawsuit says a women's retreat is discrimination

As company networking events go, it was unremarkable: About 250 female employees of a Coca-Cola distributor gathered inside the ballroom of a Connecticut casino for a day of speakers and team-building exercises, preceded the night before by cocktails and dinner. The theme: “Embrace Your Authenticity.”

The event, held in late 2024, offered the women a chance to mingle with higher-ups and bond over their shared challenges in a male-dominated workplace, said one participant. It was fun, energizing and useful, she said.

According to a new lawsuit from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, it was also something else: illegal.

Last month, the EEOC sued Coca-Cola Beverages Northeast, the Japanese-owned bottler that distributes soda in the region, saying the women’s event was a form of unlawful discrimination against male employees under federal civil rights law. The agency is seeking unspecified compensatory and punitive damages.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2026/03/31/eeoc-lawsuit-coca-cola-bottler-discrimination/

March 31, 2026

Riverside County Sheriff Chad Bianco halts election fraud probe as legal challenges mount

Source: LA Times

Riverside County Sheriff Chad Bianco, a leading Republican candidate for governor, said Monday that he had paused his controversial investigation into unsubstantiated claims of election fraud, a probe that was facing mounting legal challenges and ethical concerns.

In a statement Monday, Bianco said the probe was “on hold” because of “politically motivated lawsuits and court filings.”

It was a major reversal for the outspoken Trump supporter, who had defended the investigation — and broadened its scope — just last week. Bianco’s employees have seized more than 650,000 ballots cast in Riverside County during November’s election.

Bianco’s attorney, Robert Tyler, said the sheriff had decided to wait for the courts to weigh in on the case before proceeding with the investigation or potentially terminating it, as California Atty. Gen. Rob Bonta has requested. Tyler said they were not conceding “that the attorney general has the ability to step in and stop a lawful investigation,” but said the case had brought up complex legal issues, such as competing authority between the executive and legal branches, that need to be addressed.

Read more: https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2026-03-30/riverside-county-sheriff-chad-bianco-halts-his-election-fraud-probe

March 30, 2026

Even Trump Unsure How Rambling Speech On Iran Veered Off Into Ranking The 'Pirates Of The Caribbean' Films

WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly became unsure Monday how his rambling speech on Iran had veered off into a ranking of the Pirates Of The Caribbean films.

“The first one is undeniably a classic, number one with a bullet, truly the best,” the president said during a press conference, furrowing his brow as he tried to recall how his forceful rhetoric about the Strait of Hormuz had slowly given way to praise of Javier Bardem’s “totally underrated” performance in the fifth film of the series.

“Number two is either Dead Man’s Chest or At World’s End, hard to say, but Davy Jones—who’s actually a tremendous character, really great—Davy Jones made that franchise what it is. Unlike the crooked Jack Sparrow. I have all the DVDs. I have the best DVDs. You know, it’s a shame they stopped after five movies. If I got Jerry Bruckheimer and Keira Knightley in the same room, I could make a deal on a sixth. I’d do it in five minutes, maybe less.”

After agreeing to take a few questions from reporters, Trump responded to an inquiry about the Iran war’s timeline by humming Hans Zimmer’s iconic theme music from the films for three uninterrupted minutes.

https://theonion.com/even-trump-unsure-how-rambling-speech-on-iran-veered-off-into-ranking-the-pirates-of-the-caribbean-films/

March 30, 2026

Marine corporal accused of stealing, reselling weapons and ammo from Camp Pendleton

A U.S. Marine formerly stationed at Camp Pendleton is now in federal custody, charged with stealing weapons of war — including a shoulder-fired missile system — with the intent to resell them in Arizona, according to court documents.

Cpl. Andrew Paul Amarillas is accused of using his position as an ammunition technical specialist at the School of Infantry West at the San Diego base to access and steal military property, including at least one Javelin missile system, military-grade ammunition and other weapons-related material, between February 2022 and November 2025. Investigators say he transported the stolen weapons and ammunition to his home state of Arizona, where he sold them to a network of co-conspirators, who then resold the equipment to others.

Authorities described the items as strictly controlled and dangerous, posing a threat to civilians and law enforcement. Some but not all of the stolen material has been recovered.

“The objects of the conspiracy were to steal property and ammunition from the U.S. military and sell stolen U.S. military property and ammunition to others to earn money,” read the complaint filed in the U.S. District Court for the District of Arizona in March.

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2026-03-29/marine-accused-of-stealing-selling-weapons-from-camp-pendleton

March 29, 2026

"They Looked Iranian": Security Footage Shows Trump Negotiating With White House Patio Umbrellas for Six Hours

Donald Trump’s supposed ‘talks’ with Iranian officials were actually with a bunch of patio umbrellas in a White House courtyard, it has emerged.

Security footage shows The President speaking for hours to the umbrellas, urging the outdoor fixtures to “come to the table and make a deal”.

It explains the conflicting accounts about supposed talks between the two nations, which Iran insists have never taken place.

In a media conference later, Trump said the talks had been positive. “I had tremendous talks with the Iranians. Very strong, very positive.

“They were tough negotiators; they don’t give much away. But we’re going to solve this situation very fast in our favour. We’re close to something very big,” he said.

https://theshovel.com.au/2026/03/25/they-looked-iranian-trump-negotiating-with-white-house-patio-umbrellas/

March 29, 2026

Trump administration seeks Endangered Species Act exemption for oil, gas projects in Gulf

As the Trump administration wages war on Iran, it’s citing national security to seek an exemption from the Endangered Species Act for expanded oil and gas drilling in the Gulf of Mexico — a move alarming environmental groups who say it could set a dangerous precedent for future fossil fuel projects.

Environmentalists argue the government hasn’t followed proper procedure and they’re seeking to block the move before Interior Secretary Doug Burgum convenes the Endangered Species Committee on Tuesday. The committee, nicknamed the “God Squad” by groups who say it can determine the fate of a species, is comprised of six high-ranking federal officials plus a representative for states involved.

The administration’s exact plans for the Gulf aren’t clear, but experts say the administration must specify the military need that would endanger a specific species to make a case for the national security exemption. The environmental groups worry that a blanket exemption would open the way for the administration to proceed with oil and gas projects without regard for several species including the Rice’s whale, of which only about 50 remain in the Gulf.

“There’s no imaginable justification to sacrifice them,” said Steve Mashuda, Earthjustice managing attorney for oceans. “It’s beyond reckless even to consider greenlighting the extinction of sea turtles, fish, whales, rays, and corals to further pad the oil industry’s pockets at the public’s expense.”

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/2026/03/26/trump-oil-god-squad/