May 17, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete Second Season: The Election From Hell / Trump Begins

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete Second Season: The Election From Hell / Trump Begins

Season 1: https://www.democraticunderground.com/1016169212

Well, we survived the unexpected results of the election and Donald Trump’s first 100 days. Which might seem like it takes place in dog years because in those 100 days, I feel like I am now 72 years old with all the stress of the news, the fear of nuclear war, Trump’s tax returns, and all the other crazy shit we’ve had to endure since the election. And whether or not we make it to the four years or even the midterms remains to be seen. So with that in mind, enjoy the 24 editions that make up Season 2 of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

Edition #2-1: The Election From Hell: Drain The Swamp Edition (11/16/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028284510

Donald Trump survives the election to become the 45th president of the United States. We add him to the list of “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. We also take a look at Melania Trump’s stance on cyber bullying and the real losers of this election – Curt Schilling and Alex Jones. Plus we talk about Donald Trump’s enemies list and ask: “Who Did Taylor Swift Vote For”?
Live Musical Guest: Gogol Bordello

Edition #2-2: The Election From Hell: The Room Where It Happened Edition (11/23/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028299827

Mike Pence gets booed while attending a performance of Hamilton on Broadway. Donald Trump blasts the media behind closed doors, while whining once again about how Alec Baldwin is being a big meanie head. We reveal what happens when you protest against Trump, and talk about Trump supporters failing at boycotts. We also recap the incident at Adam Yauch Park and open up the Top 10 Shopping Network with suggestions from Gwenyth Paltrow’s GOOP gift guide.
Live Musical Guest: Sixx A.M.

Edition #2-3: The Election From Hell: Wheel Of Corruption (Or The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance Edition) (11/30/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028318537

Donald Trump celebrates Thanksgiving in the most Donald Trump way possible. We talk about Donald Trump’s latest cabinet hires and discuss his possible business conflict of interest. We also do some fact checking into memes being passed around by deplorables. We ask: The Electoral College – How Is This Still A Thing? White supremacists are going batshit crazy in lots of public places and situations over Donald Trump’s win. Plus we take a look at who’s going to be the musical guest of honor at Donald Trump’s inauguration.
Live Music al Guest: Florence & The Machine

Edition #2-4: The Election From Hell: The Art Of The No Deal Edition (1-Year Anniversary) (12/7/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028339262

A fake news story turns into a real problem when a gunman does some “investigating” of his own at a DC pizza parlor and it backfires on him big time. Donald Trump throws out 40 years of diplomatic relations between Taiwan and China. Breitbart declares war on big cereal after Kellogg’s pulls their advertising. Sears is going for broke. In Minneapolis, Donald Trump’s brown shirts fire back at the Mall Of America for hiring a black veteran as it’s new Santa. We talk about The Trump Effect and teach you how to talk to your relatives during the holidays.
Live Music al Guest: Puscifer

Edition #2-5: The Election From Hell: Treason Is The Reason For The Season Edition (12/14/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028364726

Allegations are coming fast that Donald Trump may have committed some light treason by encouraging the Russians to hack the vote during his campaign. We go through Donald Trump’s cabinet picks including Rex Tillerson, the former Exxon CEO who has way too much at stake in dealing with Russia, Steven Mnuchin, a former Goldman Sachs employee who kicked an elderly woman out of her home for 27 cents, and former Carl’s Jr. CEO Andrew Puzder. Plus we ask “The Family Research Council: How is this still a thing?” and continue our lecture series on how to talk to your conservative relatives about Trump.
Live Music al Guest: Dropkick Murphys

Edition #2-6: The Election From Hell: Wheel Of Corruption And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Edition (12/21/16)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028387943

For our final act of the horrendous year that was 2016, we bring back the Wheel Of Corruption. Donald Trump starts a diplomatic war with China when Chinese intelligence finds a US drone in the South China Sea, and throws the US intelligence community under the bus. Bill O’Reilly accidentally reveals the secret White Supremacist agenda. Betsy DeVos profits off the Flint toxic water crisis. A planned inauguration party backfires on the organizers after they forgot to file a permit. Plus we recap all the strange and weird stories of 2016.
Live Music al Guest: Weezer

Edition #2-7: The Election From Hell: Donald Trump’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events Edition (1/4/2017)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028430675

With our first edition of 2017, we find out that white supremacist website Daily Stormer has been blurring the line from white supremacist blog to full blown domestic terrorist group. The GOP Congress wants to gut the Senate Ethics Committee. Donald Trump hangs with mobsters at his New Year’s Eve bash, flirts with nuclear war, and provokes Kim Jong Un. Fox News gets caught spewing misinformation, and we are not surprised. We ask: “The War On Christmas: How Is This Still A Thing?”. We introduce you to a creepy Starbucks customer in Washington. And we continue our lecture series “How To Talk About Trump For Dummies” with Chapter 8, 9, and 10 Part 1.
Live Musical Guest: Tiger Army

Edition #2-8: The Election From Hell: Donald Trump In: Goldmember Edition (1/11/2017)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028460081

The CIA drops the big one as a dossier is uncovered that has Donald Trump in a pickle over some very perverted sex acts. Donald Trump gets in a Twitter beef with Arnold Schwarzenegger over ratings for the Celebrity Apprentice, and picks a fight with Meryl Streep over her Golden Globes acceptance speech. We recap a horrific kidnapping and torture episode in Chicago. Bo Bice hilariously claims a case of reverse racism while dining at the Popeye’s chicken at the Atlanta airport. We add Kansas governor Sam Brownback to the list of “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. Alex Jones attempts to profit off a mass shooting. Plus, we go back to our ongoing lecture series “How To Talk About Trump For Dummies” and cover Chapter 10 Pt 2, Chapter 11, and Chapter 12.
Live Musical Guest: Fitz & The Tantrums

Edition #2-9: The Election From Hell: Wall Of Meat Edition (1/18/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028490129

With just two days to go to the inauguration, Donald Trump infuriates Georgia representative John Lewis while supposedly celebrating Martin Luther King Day. We kick Donald Trump to the curb when talking about his poll numbers, and talk about who’s in and who’s out for the inauguration festivities. We introduce you to Trump’s hall monitor security for the event. The Bathroom Police are back and more evil than ever when it comes to trans rights. The guy Trump picked to head the Health & Human Services Dept was busted for ethics violations. The San Diego Chargers move to Los Angeles, but they’re not exactly welcome. Plus we conclude our 5 part lecture series “How To Talk About Trump For Dummies” with dictator comparisons, the conclusion, and a final exam.
Live Musical Guest: Against Me

Edition #2-10: Trump Begins: Just The Alternative Facts, Ma’am Edition (1/25/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028535151

Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States, but the inauguration, as well as his first day, are proving to be complete disasters. Giant protests are held across the United States and the world in support of women’s rights and against Donald Trump. Kellyanne Conway dishes out some “alternative facts” instead of real ones. Sean Spicer gets in a feud with the makers of Dippin’ Dots foods. We profile Dan Patrick and his support of an insane anti-trans bathroom bill in “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. France’s Marine La Pen channels her inner Trump. Betsy DeVos says we need guns in school to protect from bears. Dinesh D’Souza cleans up big at the Razzies. Plus we kick off our quest to find the Stupidest State and in the first round it’s Alabama vs. Arkansas in a Family Values faceoff.
Live Musical Guest: Childish Gambino

Edition #2-11: Trump Begins: 2.5 Minutes To Midnight Edition (2/1/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028578246

We discuss Donald Trump’s Muslim ban heavily, while talking about the protests breaking out at our country’s airports and embassies around the world. We talk about the firing of acting attorney general Sally Yates. Meanwhile, Kellyanne Conway complains she hasn’t slept in a year and Donald Trump takes just 8 days to reach the below 50% barrier. Meanwhile, it’s revealed that Steve Bannon runs a shadow government for real, and Trump can’t stop taunting Schumer, Graham, and McCain. Plus the Insane Clown Posse plans their own march on Washington DC. And we end by taking another look at our Stupidest State contest – this time pairing regional rivals Michigan against Wisconsin in a battle for fiscal irresponsibility supremacy.
Live Musical Guest: Avenged Sevenfold

Edition #2-12: Trump Begins: Remember The Bowling Green Massacre Edition (2/8/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028614770

In a rare Top 10 move, we rescind a week off to trash Kellyanne Conway’s justification of Trump’s unconstitutional Muslim ban with a fake terrorist attack that never happened. Trump also manages to piss off most of our allies in a span of a few hours, while he hosts what could quite possibly be the worst Super Bowl party ever. We also trash professional troll Milo Yinnapolous after his recent stint at UC Berkeley with fellow professional troll Martin Shkreli results in riots. Sean Spicer is the subject of an epic Melissa McCarthy sketch on SNL. Alex Jones thinks Lady Gaga’s halftime show is part of an illuminati mind control plot. We delve into the world of food and talk about a possible bacon shortage, while Hooters debuts a bizarre new restaurant concept. Finally, we continue our Stupidest State contest and head to the Gun Nut Conference, where Arizona’s border patrol takes on Montana’s white supremacists.
Live Musical Guest: Slightly Stoopid

Edition #2-13: Trump Begins: Your Friendly Neighborhood Nuclear Football Guy Edition (2/16/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028654550

Trump’s top advisor Michael Flynn may have committed some light treason. Donald Trump discusses national security measures in public while meeting with the Japanese Prime Minister at Mar-A-Lago in Florida. Trump also flip flops multiple times on things he said not even 3 weeks ago. We also talk about the Trump – Nordstrom feud. Alex Jones blows a gasket when a coup happens at the White House (not really) and Jennifer Lopez speaks out at the Grammys. Plus we also talk sports when Robert Kraft and Tom Brady of the world champion New England Patriots weigh in on who should visit the White House during their victory celebration. The New York Knicks are in a feud between a current player and a former player. Plus we head to the next round of our Stupidest State contest where juggernauts Kentucky and Texas make a run for the undisputed king of the Batshit Conference.
Live Musical Guest: A Tribe Called Quest

Edition #2-14: Trump Begins: Wheel Of Corruption’s Home For Peculiar Children Edition (3/1/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028729246

Milo Yinnapolous rises high and falls completely flat on his face after he defends the one grey area conservatives and liberals can agree you don’t go there – child molestation. We recap the Conservative Political Action Conference the Idiots way! Trump rescinds Obama’s executive order on trans people being able to choose their bathroom. Louis Gohmert gives a shockingly stupid reason why he’s avoiding town halls. Jason Alexander trolls H.R. McMaster’s use of a Seinfeld clip in his acceptance speech. Donald Trump plays golf, and beats the war machine going into Iran, while at home he makes the claim for military superiority. We talk about more hate crimes being committed in Trump’s name. Plus we continue our quest to find America’s Stupidest State where last year’s Layover League champion Florida is defending their title against hot newcomer Maine.
Live Musical Guest: Dropkick Murphys

Edition #2-15: Trump Begins: Nothing Burger With A Side Of Treason Edition (3/8/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028765123

Jeff Sessions admits that he may have committed some light treason by using state funds to meet with Russian ambassadors during the campaign. Mike Pence’s AOL e-mail account was used for state business and got hacked. Donald Trump goes on a Twitter rampage accusing Obama of wire tapping his phone during the campaign. Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. spend taxpayer money to open a new hotel in Dubai – a Muslim country. Roger Stone goes off on a misogynistic tirade aimed at one of his key critics. We add Mark Chelgren to the list of “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. Garfield the Cat is the subject of an insane Wikipedia battle. We talk about Trump fans destroying Jewish cemeteries. Plus we conclude with another round of our Stupidest State Contest, this time pitting regional rivals Tennessee and North Carolina in a Family Values faceoff to face Alabama in the conference championships.
Live Musical Guest: Deftones


Edition #2-16: Trump Begins: Wheel Of Corruption’s Long Halftime Walk Edition (3/15/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028795411

Congressional Republicans go nuclear in their quest to overturn Obama’s ACA and replace it with a far more sinister and ultra corrupt version – the AHCA. Steve King gets caught saying something racist. Donald Trump fires DOJ prosecuter Preet Bharara. We delve into the myths vs reality surrounding Donald Trump’s positions on health care. KellyAnne Conway believes that microwaves can turn into cameras. Trump Supporters go full Hilter at a rally in Phoenix, Arizona. We add Dana Rohrabacher to our growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and ask The Christian Persecution Complex: How Is This Still A Thing? Plus we talk about whether o r not former pro football player Arian Foster could fight a wolf, and we take in another round of our Stupidest State Contest – this time pitting a central shoot out with Missouri taking on South Carolina.
Live Musical Guest: The Shins

Edition #2-17: Trump Begins: The Worst Day Since Yesterday Edition (3/22/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028831614

We talk about Donald Trump’s meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Trump also threatens a nuclear war with North Korea, and has his worst day ever when the FBI grills him about Russian involvement in the election. Ann Coulter makes a bizarre claim about the Russians and the 1980 “Miracle On Ice” team. Sean Hannitys’ past catches up to haunt him. Donald Trump Supporters are experiencing cases of buyer’s remorse. Meanwhile, Paul Ryan talks about a bizarre fantasy he had in college during his wild “kegger days”, and there ain’t no party like a Paul Ryan party! The Trump effect is in full swing with a pair of extremely horrible and unrelated incidents in New York City. We ask – “The Flat Earth Society”: How is this still a thing? Plus we take in the final matchup of round 1 in our Stupidest State contest – Kansas Vs New Jersey in a battle for fiscal irresponsibility supremacy.
Live Musical Guest: Milky Chance

Edition #2-18: Trump Begins: Paul Ryan’s Long White House March Edition (3/29/17)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028867543

Paul Ryan takes the long march White House to tell a very angry Trump that the ACHA not only failed, it failed bigly. Trump’s SCOTUS nominee Neil Gorsuch gets grilled by Al Franken. While the world burns around him, Trump spends yet another weekend at yet another Trump property. We open up the Top 10 Home Shopping Network to troll the Trump sons Uday and Qusay. Mike Huckabee gets roasted when his Twitter feed proves to be a gigantic disaster. Devin Nunes gets caught in a lie about spying. Fox News gets caught in a lie about what Trump did last weekend. Pizzagate is sadly, still a thing. One Million Moms tries their hand at a “gay free” animated series. And we end with the next round of our stupidest state contest with the first conference championship where #1 Florida takes on #4 Texas.
Live Musical Guest: Clutch

Edition #2-19: Trump Begins: In Like Flynn Edition (4/5/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028895891

In what seems like a bad spy movie come to life, Michael Flynn goes rogue and attempts to sell out his boss in an effort to get immunity. The GOP tries to sell your browser history to the highest bidder and fails at that. We channel the late great Rodney Dangerfield when Trump goes on his latest angry 3:00 AM tweet storm. Trump is the first president in 107 years not to throw the first pitch out at a MLB home opener. The Bathroom Police are back and eroding the freedoms of LGBT Americans at an alarming rate, while we mention the worst party bus ever. Mike Pence gets caught with his sexist pants down – both literally and figuratively. We tell you about an exciting vacation opportunity. Plus the next round of our Stupidest State Contest – Alabama squares off against Tennessee for the Family Values Conference Championship.
Live Musical Guest: Violent Femmes

Edition #2-20: Trump Begins: You Dropped A Bomb On Me Edition (4/19/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028949439

Donald Trump literally plays with fire as he launches nukes, but then forgets what country he just bombed! Meanwhile, Trump’s precious Mar-A-Lago resort is one of the unhealthiest restaurants in the country as it fails to meet health inspection requirements. A new group called “Antifa” emerged during tax day protests at UC Berkeley. United Airlines continues to shoot itself in the foot over passengers getting booted from planes. The Joker talks to Alex Jones about what’s real and what isn’t. Mike Cernovich gets punched in the face at Berkeley. Bill O’Reilly is close to getting fired from Fox News after outrageous sexual harassment claims. We tell you about fun events to attend on 4/20 while gently reminding you not to be a dick. Plus we have the next round of our Stupidest State Contest – Michigan Vs. Kansas in the battle for Fiscal Irresponsibility superiority.
Live Musical Guest: Iration

Edition #2-21: Trump Begins: Wheel Of Corruption: Skull Island Edition (4/26/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028982016

The Wheel Of Corruption is back. We use it to pay tribute to Bill O’Reilly and the long-awaited end of the O’Reilly Factor. Jason Chaffetz goes rogue like a bad spy movie. We talk about Donald Trump’s first 100 days and all the “winning” he’s done. Trump invites some extremely cringe-worthy dinner guests to the White House and some terrible photo opportunities ensue. We recap Trump’s insane AP interview where ½ of it is “(unintelligible)”. Steve King gets added to the list of “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. Alex Jones admits to smoking rather potent strains of weed. Ann Coulter fights for her right for free speech at UC Berkeley. We get a sugar high off Starbucks’ latest insane creation. Plus the next round of our Stupidest State Contest – where Missouri brings their big guns against Montana in a battle for Gun Nut supremacy. Or white supremacy! Hey o!
Live Musical Guest: Dreamcar

Edition #2-22: Trump Begins: Argo FOAK Yourselves Edition (5/3/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029010439

Trump calls murderous dictator Rodrigo Dutuerte and gets basic American history wrong. Meanwhile, on the eve of Trump’s first WHCD, Trump instead appears in Pennsylvania and gives the most divisive speech in history by a sitting president. Reince Preibus wants to do away with the first amendment to be able to sue news organizations for slander. Mike Enzi makes a terrible analogy about guys wearing tutus in bars and sparks creative protest. We hold an intervention for the NRA in regards to their addiction to guns and reckless disregard for the 2nd Amendment. We introduce you to a new protest group calling themselves “The Proud Boys”. Scott Baio makes some insensitive remarks about his former TV costar in the wake of her death. A large bunny rabbit dies on a United Airlines flight. We talk about the epic disaster that was the Fyre Festival. And the next round of our Stupidest State contest explores the Layover League Championship: Texas vs. Kansas by talking about the influence that the Koch Brothers and the Tea Party have wrecked on these states.
Live Musical Guest: Mastodon

Edition #2-23: Trump Begins; Aint No Party Like A GOP Party Edition (5/10/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029042302

The GOP passes Trump’s insane health care bill in the House, but prematurely celebrates when they have a booze-filled party in DC before realizing what they have done to the American people – and voted without reading the bill. We introduce our new character “Trumpy The Fake News Parrot” while talking about Trump and Michael Flynn. Trump might be on drugs. We play a new game called “Fundies Say The Darndest Things”. Trump supporters take their fight to Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel – for completely different reasons. Eric Trump might be the biggest moron on the planet. Marine LaPen wins “The Biggest Loser”. Eminem sues New Zealand’s ruling party over his hit “Lose Yourself”. And the next to last round of our Stupidest State contest takes on the subject of Doomsday Prepping when Montana meets Tennessee in the Flyover League championship.
Live Musical Guest: Cold War Kids

Edition #2-24: Trump Begins: Swamping The Drain Edition (5/17/17)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029078775

Season Finale: In the season finale – we destroy the theory that Trump coined the phrase “Prime The Pump”. We also recap the Comey firing and the FBI raiding an Annapolis headquarters of a GOP fundraising firm. We put Kim Jong Un and Trump in a UFC Octagon in order to settle their scores once and for all. Trump gave a commencement address at Liberty University and invokes a scary subject – Christian nationalism. Richard Spencer gives a glimpse of what an actual Nazi rally might looks like. In India, Justin Bieber’s first tour is a complete disaster. We ask – “The Sovereign Citizens Movement: How Is This Still A Thing?”. And we finally crown the winner of our Stupidest State Contest. Who will it be – Montana or Texas? The winner will take home the coveted trophy.
Live Musical Guest: George Clinton

Top 10 Conservative Idiots season 3 debuts June 7th! See you then!

May 17, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-24: Swamping The Drain Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-24: Swamping The Drain Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Be sure to join our rewards program for some exciting benefits! What those are, even we don't really know! Traveling sucks anymore, right? Hey you know we here at the Top 10 predicted the future! Whew!!! Whew!!!!!!! Whew. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I refer you to Idiots #2-16. Which was a mere month and a half ago. But in Trump years, it feels like a fucking eternity! Thank you. But in Idiots #2-16, I said “But the GOP plan is like flying Spirit or Allegiant Airlines - it's going to cost a hell of a lot more for a really shitty product, you have to pay to check everything, there's no TVs and a big fat guy sitting next to you, you know where you're going sucks, and you'll probably wind up fighting someone by the time its' all over.”. Now how does that predict the future? Well….



YAYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did it! I predicted the future, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you very much! Now to go buy lottery tickets tonight. But the whole reason you fly United and American is so that you don’t fly Spirit or Frontier. Because shit like this happens. This is one of those “wanna get away” type of things. But when you work for an airline and fisticuffs are being thrown about, who do you take when you go on vacation? Amtrak? Or do you just say “fuck it” and drive cross country? And since I was able to successfully predict the future, can I predict that my Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup? Or will the Angels win the world series? Well that’s enough of the intro this week. But first John Oliver is back, and he destroys American dialysis provider DaVita:



We’ve got a lot of Trump this week folks. Donald Trump ( 1- 6) is going to take ½ the edition this week. Yes, he is occupying not one, not two, not 3, but a whopping 6, yes 6 slots. In the first slot, is of course the 800 pound gorilla in the room which is the firing of James Comey. Why did he do it? What is he hiding? Well it could have something to do with what’s behind door number 2 – the FBI raiding a GOP polling place in Annapolis, Maryland looking for some hardcore evidence in the Trump – Russia debacle. Taking the third slot, we have to talk about Donald Trump (3) and his commencement speech at Liberty University. It was completely batshit fucking crazy – and if you guessed he invoked Christian nationalism – you are correct! In the number 4 slot, I hate to tell you folks, we're all gonna die. Because when you put two out of control man babies who want their ass kissed 100% with nuclear launch codes, and hate differing opinions from theirs, what could go wrong? I'm of course talking about Donald J. Trump vs Kim Jong Un (4). We're going to put them in a UFC Octagon for the title fight. In the number 5 slot, we’re going to lighten things up and talk about Trump’s (5) diet – or complete lack thereof. I don’t know if you saw Bill Maher last week but he unloaded on Trump for being a fat fuck. In the number six slot, we have to talk about how Trump (6) coined the phrase “Prime The Pump”. But like most things Trump says and does – it’s not fucking true! At number 7, we’re going to do another installment of “How Is This Still A Thing”, and we’re going to ask – “Soverign citizens: How is this still a thing?”. Taking the 8th slot, Richard Spencer (8) gave America its’ first glimpse of what an actual Nazi rally would look like. Oh did I say Nazi? I meant “alt right”! No? Well neither are we! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, we have another installment of “I Need A Drink”, and we have to talk about Justin Beiber. I don’t want to talk about Justin Beiber, but when there’s something in the news that is this batshit insane, we can’t ignore it. It’s about his India tour, and whew, Justin, keep doing what you’re doing. And finally this week – this is it! This is the end! It is finally here! This week, we will finally crown the winner of our Stupidest State contest! It’s come down to this – Montana. Texas. The winner will receive DeLay Trophy – the Head Up The Ass trophy as awarded by the NFFSA! Named of course after legendary coach Tom DeLay who took Texas to a whopping 5 titles during the Bush administration. And they were engaged in a friendly rivalry with Rick Santorum, who led Pennsylvania to 3 titles during that dark time in our country. Of course those days are long over and Texas is hoping to regain its’ former glory. Will they do it tonight? After the match, we will have the press conferences, the coaches’ statements, the presentation of the trophy - and of course we will end by singing that song we all know and love, and have the locker room champagne popping. And to close out the season, a little band called Funkadelic will be joining us for the after party! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Comey: You’re Fired[/font]




You know if Donald Trump thinks that Stephen Colbert is “no talent”, wait until he gets a hold of this show! I mean we’ve only been calling him an idiot since the Top 10 reboot was founded! But that’s beside the point. So Republicans, we’re more than 120 days into the Trump administration, how’s that whole “drain the swamp” thing going? You’re not draining the swamp. You’re swamping the drain! And… thank you! But you can’t drain the swamp if the drain was clogged to begin with! I’m of course talking about the Comey firing. James Comey…. You’re fired! And while that may seem like it’d be a reason for us to celebrate, most of us here aren’t exactly celebrating.





But don’t celebrate just yet, liberals and Trump haters! The excuse for Trump firing Comey was quite literally insane. It would be like if I were getting pulled over for a DUI, and I fired the arresting officer for giving me a pat down. But here’s my favorite excuse for why Trump fired Comey:





OK... OK… OK… OK… OK… OK… OK. OK. Let me see if I can get this straight. Trump fired Comey because he was “mean” to Hillary Clinton by releasing that letter which many claim was the reason why Hillary’s campaign tanked in the last few days of the campaign leading to Trump’s stunning victory. But here’s the weird thing – so Trump himself contradicted his own reasoning for firing Comey, in fact he praised Comey during the election. Gee, I wonder why?





I could so picture Trump doing that in real life. After all, the man has no sense of humor whatsoever. He’s like a black hole for logic, reason, humor, subconscious – everything that makes normal human beings human. But you have to be a cold-hearted asshole to be a republican, am I right about that? And if you want to believe that Trump isn’t capable of being human, here’s what the actual FBI had to say about the Comey firing:



We’re not popping the champagne, this is more like the shit hitting the fan!



Thank you! And in case you’re wondering how low they can go, well, there’s no low. The bar has been lowered to the bottom of the Marianus Trench, and if you don’t know earth geography, that’s pretty fucking low! But it gets lower:



We need to get the bar back! Where’s James Cameron when you need him?




[font size="8"]The Annapolis Raid[/font]


I love that Trump said this this week, and I think we might need some Sad Hulk Music and the world's tiniest violin to go with it:











Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... Trump has a sad!!! So maybe the FBI raid had something to do with this. While we were all terrified and shocked over the firing of Trump, the FBI did this to a polling office in Annapolis last week:





Thank you Officer Barbrady! Yes, current president, and original Boss Baby, Donald Trump was in a bit of a fiery rage last week, and that is 100% pure Donald Trump. Of course he tried to pass it off as big meanie Comey was mishandling the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private e-mail server handling official state business. Yeah , excuse me a minute. *COUGH* Bullshit. *COUGH* Bullshit *COUGH* Bullshit. I’m sure it has nothing to do with this.





Yes, please disperse. But oh this is just the beginning . We’re not done with the raids and investigations into illegal fundraising practices by the GOP just yet.





Unfortunately Jedi mind tricks don’t work in real life. Because otherwise the GOP would be pulling them day in and day out. But what are they hiding? Could they be hiding this? Let’s link the Comey firing and the Annapolis raid together, because the real shit is about to hit the fan, and shit is about to get very, very real here.





Oh and what does Trump himself have to say about this?

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/862998775731818496



But here’s my favorite Tweet from the last few days. You know last week, we introduced our new character and now official mascot of the Top 10 – Trumpy, the Fake News Parrot. Come on out here, Trumpy!



Well…

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/862999243560288256

But oddly silent in all of this is Senate Majority Leader, and guy who looks like he owns your local furniture store that is going out of business, Mitch McConnell. Hey Mitch, you’re not helping, and you’re also part of the problem!






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]



So this week people graduated from all over the country, I hope to be included in that class at some point. But of course with the graduates comes good and bad. There’s the good – like Will Ferrell’s hilarious commencement speech from USC:



I love when Mr. Ferrell (or Dr. Ferrell) said that he still owes money to Trump University. Classic. And then there’s Liberty University and Donald J. Trump was the commencement speaker. And if you guessed it was all about himself, you are 100% correct! Let’s roll the tape first.







Yes this is making insanely good sense. Let’s deconstruct this for a minute. Since when did Trump get baptized? And who worships the government? What the fuck does that even mean? And there’s only one person in that picture who thinks they know everything – and that’s our current president, Donald J. Trump. Thank you! But this comes just *DAYS* after hurling insults at democrats on Twitter like this:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/862767872879325185

By the way, do you know how stupid you look when you call it the “Democrat” excuse? It’s DEMOCRATIC, not Democrat. You stupid assholes! But of course he tore into his usual tirade of making it all about himself, lashing out at critics and the “fake news media”. Where’s Trumpy at?





Thanks Trumpy! But here’s my favorite part of the whole speech – he told the graduates at Liberty University to “never give up”. Someone just watched Galaxy Quest!







Thank you! But in case you’re wondering if our current president is anything but spiritual – he seems like kind of an odd choice for Liberty University, given that students were speaking out against the school’s association with Trump back before the election:





But we got to talk about Trump’s newly appointed “spiritual advisor” for a minute. If you guessed the person that Trump picked is a bonafied con artist who takes her congregation and her church like it’s her personal piggy bank, you are 100% correct again!





By the way, I love that Jimmy Fallon drew some comparisons between Trump’s speech and another famous movie speech. Well…





[font size="8"]Donald Trump Vs Kim Jong Un[/font]


Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another Top 10 Rage In The Cage! We need the Top 10 Octagon for this one, as we pit two crazy people with nukes against each other. In this corner, weighing in at 230 pounds (?) – the healthiest guy alive, according to TV doctors Dr. Oz and Dr. Moe, Donald J. Trump! And in this corner – his weight is unknown, and he has the same diet – the great, glorious dictator of North Korea – Kim Jong Un!!! The subject: War. You know War!




Oh yeah! Got to love low riders! But not that war. I’m talking about real war. You know – the real deep shit. But specifically Donald Trump and North Korea. This story isn’t going away any time soon. Trump wants a war. He wants a new war. Because you know the two that have been going on for 15 fucking years now, don’t matter apparently! So here’s the latest developments:



http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/c_limit,w_680/fl_lossy,pg_1,q_auto/fltnuazwwpoh8eat1j3k.jpg

Well, duh!!! You don’t sit down with Trump after launching nukes! You don’t sit down at a bar next to a professional hockey player and told him that you bet against his team to lose! I mean seriously, two out of control man babies with access to nuclear weapons – and nuclear launch codes. What could possibly go wrong?





Wait, wait, wait, wait. He launched nukes. And he’s the paranoid one? Is this like your uncle who’s a die hard Christian conspiracy theorist and thinks that the evil atheists are coming to take away his Bible? That kind of paranoia? Well, Trump of course reacted in the most Donald Trump way possible – by name calling and blaming the democrats!





Calm down. We’re not all gonna die. Yet. At least if this is any indication – Trump wants to have a meeting with Kim Jong Un:





It’s so easy making fun of Kim Jong Un. I could do this all day. So Trump would meet with Un if “the conditions were right”. What conditions? Like Trump pleading to Russia for help? Oh yes that happened!






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


To call Donald J. Trump, our 45th president a pig, is quite frankly, an insult to pigs. But if you were to look up the word “pig” in the dictionary, you’d see his picture there. “FAKE NEWS!!!”. Oh , fuck let’s let Bill Maher handle this one before we start explaining.




The Art of the Meal… I love it. But this tweet recently resurfaced regarding Trump’s love of Diet Coke and his extremely unhealthy lifestyle:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/257552283850653696

Uh, do you know what’s in Diet Coke, Mr. President? Because if you knew, you wouldn’t be drinking that shit either! But here’s more about Donald Trump’s insane diet, or complete lack thereof:





OK, yeah it’s kind of like Kingsman. But I love the hypocrisy here ! And I can’t believe that he eats at fast food places because he likes “the cleanliness”. I mean have you been to fast food places? They’re some of the dirtiest places around. Shit, Trump’s *OWN* restaurants failed to meet health inspections!



So that aside, the funny thing is that the guy who literally has Big Macs delivered to him on a silver platter is accusing Hillary Clinton and the democrats of being “elitists”. I ask you – who’s the elitist again? Thank you! But there’s more to Trump’s diet than one would let on. This might be more insane than his love of “the best chocolate cake” at Trump Tower:





There is literally a meme for everything! But really – he’s becoming less like the Donald Trump from “The Art Of The Deal” and more like Les Grossman from the 2008 Ben Stiller flick “Tropic Thunder”.



He’s an obsessive, egomaniacal, narcissistic ragaholic with an insufferable love of Diet Coke. Really, could the extra caffeine and sugar be going to his head?





HEY MA THE MEATLOAF!!!!! WE WANT IT NOW!!!!! But here’s what could be the strangest thing about Trump’s diet that was revealed this week. And it’s not two scoops of ice cream, or the fact that he loves fast food. But the idea of garbage in, garbage out is not the lifestyle he should be leading. But this explains a lot. I didn’t know Gwyenth Paltrow’s GOOP blog was around in college because this sounds like it could be straight from there. And we all know that GOOP is the place you go to for good ideas like this:





Where’s Stewie with a tuba when you need him?




[font size="8"]Donald Trump: Prime The Pump[/font]


Hey everybody, be sure to check out Donald Trump’s new Netflix comedy special coming this July – “Prime the Pump!”. Featuring such classic bits from the President as “Fake News” and “Critics are stupid losers!”. That’s this July on Netflix! And you know who's opening for him? Why it's the original Boss Baby himself - Sean Spicer, and he's hiding in the bushes!





Ooh, ooh!!! Are we playing a game of Clue? I'll take Mr. Spicer, in the bushes, with the candlestick. And by the way I love this:





And where's Sean Spicer when you need him to spin something this fucking stupid? So this week, Trump gave an interview to the magazine The Economist. And it was a clusterfuck, but this might be the most amusing piece of news to come out of the Trump Camp this week. But first we need to explain what the phrase “prime the pump” means:



Now let’s roll the tape.



Yes, that’s President Of The United States, Donald J. Trump, claiming he invented the phrase “Prime the pump”, a phrase that’s been around since the 1800s. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s so funny! So why is it being the butt of jokes of the media this week?





Thanks Trumpy! Trumpy of course alerted us to the fact that – like most things that Trump said, it’s not fucking true. And he got mocked relentlessly for it:






[font size="8"]Sovereign Citizens[/font]


Time once again to ask:



This week: The Sovereign Citizens Movement. How is this still a thing? We’re going to show you this group of winners – who are multiplying very quickly. And they are all – you guessed it – white males. And not only are these winners white males – they are very pissed off at the federal government. But what is a sovereign citizen? We will show you by pointing out the definition. So what is a sovereign citizen?





That was actually the Magician’s Alliance from Arrested Development. But sovereign citizens are actually demanding to be taken seriously. And given our brand of armchair journalism, we are going to show you how exactly sovereign citizens are a thing, by pointing out some of the winners of this group. So why are they back in the news this week? Let’s go back to a case from 2010 – when in Arkansas, Jerry Kane and his son Joseph Kane were pulled over by an officer on Arkansas’ I-40.





Remember Cliven Bundy? Cliven Bundy – the discount hillbilly Don Corleone of the western Nevada border who became the darling of Fox News lovers everywhere? Or how about his son Ammon Bundy who took over that bird sanctuary in Oregon with the Idiot Patrol? Idiot Patrol – great band, by the way, saw them at the Troubadour. So why is this case suddenly relevant again? Let’s explore further.





So for those of you keeping score at home – the sovereign citizen movement consists of right wing militias, skinheads, religious whackjobs, and neo Nazis. Which makes for a very fucked up ven diagram.



So here’s a couple of fine examples of this movement. Behind door number one, there’s this guy in Texas who plotted a mass shooting:



And why is it always Texas? There’s lots of crazy shit happening in Texas. Here’s behind door #2 – this winner from Jersey City:





And behind door number 3 is this guy. By the way, how come it’s only guys who buy into the sovereign citizen movement? You don’t see too many ladies buying into this. Maybe it’s because men are the ones who listen to gasbags like Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones. Well, here’s our third contestant. This fine, upstanding individual from York County, Maryland.





So with winners like these, and a movement that attracts the craziest of the crazy, that’s enough to make you ask – the Sovereign Citizens Movement:




[font size="8"]Richard Spencer[/font]


So we’ve seen glimpses of what a modern civil war might look like at UC Berkeley, with none other than people who look like they work for Mike’s Discount Pest Control. We’ve also seen what hardcore racism looks like in Whitefish, Montana. And we’ve seen what possible Nazi rallies look like. Now we’ll see what an actual Nazi rally looks like courtesy of professional Trump supporter, and guy who hasn’t shaved in months, yet still can’t grow a beard – Richard Spencer. Let’s explain:





You know between Neo Nazis, sovereign citizens and end times apocalyptic preachers, don’t you just want to turn off life and say “fuck it”? It’s good for you! Just try it. Two simple words that will make all your problems go away: fuck it. Your girlfriend / boyfriend dumped you? Fuck it. Neo Nazis invaded your town? Fuck it. Donald Trump is still our president? Fuck!!!!!! Shit even the mayor compared it to the KKK:





An actual torch rally! This brings up many questions. Why were there no pitchforks? And why the hell were they protesting in suits? Were there not enough dry cleaning places in Charlottesville to dry clean their KKK robes? But you know this is what emboldened white supremacy looks like. Where are the Blues Brothers when you need them?






[font size="8"]Justin Bieber[/font]


Time for another installment of:



So for this, this is when we talk about stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, while I enjoy this nice stiff beverage of Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. For this entry we’re going to talk about Justin Beiber. I don’t want to talk about Justin Beiber, but this is so fucked up that I feel like I have to talk about it. Maybe Justin Beiber should hook up with the Fyre Festival. Except at the Fyre Festival, he wouldn’t be going to bowling alleys or dining at 5 star sushi restaurants. He’d be dining on “sandwiches” that look like this:



And then this happened:





Welcome to the Fyre Festival! We can’t pay you, but stay and hang out! It will be fun! So what does this have to do with Justin Beiber? Well, I love it when celebrities go full diva. I mean come on, I want to see private chauffeurs for your dog! Have a particular brand of perfume sprayed through the vents 24/7! I mean come on! Well, maybe the concert venues in India wont be able to meet his ridiculous demands:





Holy shit! A chauffeured Rolls Royce? 10 luxury sedans? So the Uber driver with the 1994 Nissan Sentra doesn’t count? High level security? A ping pong table? Massage table? WTF!!! And if you can guess, the tour was a complete and total failure:






[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest Round 15: NFFSA Championship[/font]


16 states will enter, and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! If you need a reminder of the conferences, there’s the Batshit Conference, the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, the Gun Nut Conference, and the Family Values Conference. This is it! It has come down to this. Last week, Montana knocked off Tennessee to advance to the finals for the first time in the state’s history. Their white supremacists, hermits, extreme outdoor survivalists and doomsday preppers mean business! Meanwhile, Texas is no slouch in the batshit crazy department. They’ve got a young team who is poised to win multiple tournaments. Being the largest state in the union means they’ve got a lot of crazy and their crazy knows no boundaries. It’s going to be quite the matchup! So we’re going to see who matches up in this department – both states voted for Trump, and both states have equally crazy laws on the books. Let’s get out our brackets shall we?



[font size="6"]Round 15: NFFSA Championship[/font]

[font size="4"]Montana [/font]


So now we’ve found the two states that have towered above all the competition. These states are a shining example of conservative idiocy. We have one more round. We were previously going to discuss sanctuary cities as a combining topic, but there wasn’t enough information to go on, so we’re just going to talk about how batshit crazy each state’s government is. You know part of the reason Montana had such a strong showing in the tournament is because of the town of Whitefish – which is home to Richard Spencer and some of the most hardcore racism in Montana. And how does that translate to the state’s government? Well we’re going to do an overall view of the crazy – like Montana’s national parks may be disappearing:



http://images.memes.com/meme/135437

But as I reported before – Montana is home to some of the biggest hate groups in the country. For those of you keeping score at home – Montana is home to hate groups, skinheads, neo Nazis, doomsday preppers, and backwards religious pastors. Why are we not surprised?





And here’s how batshit crazy Montana is. You know for a state with a democratic governor, why are there such crazy people to inhabit the state? And why do they keep voting for republicans? Well the guy who challenged Steve Bullock may hold the key:





Millionaire? Doesn’t pay taxes? Stiffs his employees? That sounds a lot like a person who, may or may not be the 45th president of the United States. So Montana may not be the stupidest state after all – there’s some batshit fucking crazy people in this state, but at least their governor has some common sense!





[font size="4"]Texas [/font]


Finally we come back to the Lone Star State, Texas. I mean we do a segment from time to time called “Florida, WTF”. But we should start doing one next season called “Texas, WTF”. I mean there’s a reason why Texas won the Layover League. And why they beat out the competition – which includes Florida, the penis of America. Texas is so fucked up that the house Tea Party is revolting against the house GOP in the title of… who can be more batshit crazy?





And the Texas house is so fucked up that they held their own late night talk fests to stall the bills that the other half of the GOP was proposing! You can’t make this shit up!





I like that one! The division in the Texas state house is so intense that it accurately depicts the division in the rest of the country! This is what we’re looking for in the Stupidest State contest here folks. A state that’s as divided as our country, and a government that is one of the craziest in the whole country. So how many bills failed during that talk fest? Well… the Texas GOP is so fucked up that they can’t even pass their own bills!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is… [/font]

Folks this was an amazing game and it came right down to an overtime wire. Montana has blasted through all of its’ opponents in the Flyover League, while Texas was the team who finally knocked Florida out of the winner’s spot in the Layover League. With 3 seconds left on the clock in over time, the score is 99 – 99. Texas has the ball, shoots with 1.05 seconds left on the clock and… OH MY GOD!!!! IT’S IN!!!! TEXAS WINS!!!! THEY ARE OUR NEW TOP 10 CONSERVATIVE IDIOTS STUPIDEST STATE! Do you believe in miracles? Texas hits a last second 3 and wins the battle against Montana. Congratulations to Texas, they are our new 2017 Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! Montana leaves the court in a bitter defeat.

[font size="4"]Presentation Of The Trophy [/font]

Before I announce the winner – I want to say this was one of the best tournaments I’ve seen in quite some time. Every single state in the tournament brought something new to the table. And this was a long, hard fought tournament. But now… the winner is… Texas. Montana put up a great game, and we hope to see them again in next year’s tournament. But I, as the commissioner of the National For Fuck’s Sake League, that hosts the Stupidest State tournament, am extremely proud to present Texas with the DeLay Trophy – named after one of the all time greatest coaches in this tournament, who won the tournament for his state 5 years in a row. A truly unprecedented feat.

?1

[font size="4"]Press Conference [/font]



[font size="4"]Net Cutting And Champagne Spraying[/font]







[font size="4"]Statement From The Commissioner & The End[/font]

Congratulations to Texas for being our 2017 NFFSA Stupidest State! We hope you enjoyed the tournament this year. We had some great participants. The NFFSA organization is dedicated to providing the best in finding the biggest idiots in the country. And Texas showed their prowess and towered over all the competition to win the Stupidest State. I’d like to thank the state of Montana, and their amazing team and organization. I’d like to thank the state of Texas and their amazing team and organization. Most importantly, I’d also like to thank the amazing people at the National For Fuck’s Sake Administration for putting on this tournament every year. Without whom, we would not have this tournament every year. We hope to do it again next year in 2018. And we hope to see you next year at the home of the tournament – Honda Center in Anaheim, and Staples Center in Los Angeles. Now let’s end by singing that song we all know and love!



[font size="8"]And now this:[/font]
[font size="8"]George Clinton & Parliament - Funkadelic[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen – let’s get this post season party started! Playing their all time classic tune “Flashlight” – originally on the album “Funkentelechy Vs The Placebo Syndrom”, now on the soundtrack for “Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2”, please welcome George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic!





Yeah how about that?

This is it for season 2 of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots. We’re going to take two weeks off. Season 3 starts June 7th! See you then!

May 16, 2017

Hey Mitch, you're part of the problem!

May 10, 2017

Before Firing Comey, Trump Was So Angry, He Would "Scream At TV Clips"

Someone *REALLY* needs to take Fox News away from him. Holy fucking shit.

May 10, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-23: Aint No Party Like A GOP Party Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-23: Aint No Party Like A GOP Party Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! For the intro this week, we got to talk about the Eagles. The band of course.



Thanks, Dude. We love the Eagles here. I’ve seen them in concert and they were amazing. So you know that the Eagles sued Hotel California, right? No it’s not that Hotel California. There’s a hotel in Baja California, that apparently was using the name of the Eagles song and their music without their permission. You’d think Don Henley would love the idea of the fact that there’s an actual hotel called “Hotel California” right? WRONG!!!! Apparently they don’t and they are suing. And you know my favorite part of this whole thing? So the actual inspiration for the song was the real life Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills, California (my state!!!). So the Eagles are suing to prevent association from the hotel and the band. But you’d think this would be a natural marketing gimmick for both the band and the hotel. But nope. Now here’s the kicker – the actual hotel was opened in 1950. Don Henley on the other hand – was born in 1947 – he was 3 when that hotel opened! Yeah think about it! Doesn’t that blow your mind? Yeah that just happened ! OK enough of the intro this week. We got a lot of idiocy to cover. That’s enough of the intro. But first. John Oliver is back and he’s uniting the time wasters and trolls of the internet to help sign the FCC’s petition on Net Neutrality:



The top 2 slots in this week’s edition are easily going to the House Republicans (1,2). They are cheering over the fact that they just denied 24 million Americans healthcare. Not only are they cheering about it, they’re quite literally popping the champagne as if they won the world series. In the third slot is of course President Trump. And we’re going to have some fun with this one, and we get to introduce to you our fun new character – Trumpy The Fake News Parrot! So you know the Trump – Flynn hearings are ongoing. And it’s a shit show. And of course Trump is playing the Fake News card. Taking the 4th slot, is of course President Donald Trump. And this time we’re going to talk about something we haven’t discussed in much detail – his stance in the war on drugs. Attorney General Forrest Gump wants to bring back the War on Drugs and escalate it, but without Drug Control offices, he may be SOL. And in the fifth slot, we’re going to debut a new feature, and I hope it goes well. This one is called “Fundies Say The Darndest Things!”. And there’s a lot of batshit stuff that fundies have been saying in the wake of AHCA, Oh and by “darndest”, I mean “evil, crazy bullshit”. At number 6 is Republicans Vs. Talk Shows. So republicans attacked Jimmy Kimmel for speaking out about how we need a better health care system, while they also attacked Stephen Colbert for his controversial joke last week, and we talked about that in the intro. In the 7th slot is the Trump brothers – Uday and Qusay, because Eric Trump recently admitted that the Trump organization may or may not have taken money from Russia. This is not the thing to say when you’re under investigation regarding your dealings with, I don’t know, Russia!!! Taking the number 8 slot, the biggest loser this week is none other than Marine LaPen and we’re going to talk about her defeat and what this means for the white nationalist movement – which may or may not be coming to a country near you! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot – we have to talk about music once again, but the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is going to the ruling party in New Zealand. Because in case you haven’t heard, New Zealand is being sued by rapper Eminem after it was found that New Zealand was using a janky version of “Lose Yourself” in campaign ads. It’s the Vanilla Ice defense all over again! And we might try our hand at some freestyling. Or maybe not. In the 10th slot this week – the penultimate round of our Stupidest State Contest! Now, don’t be sad – it’s been a long time coming and I cant wait to reward the winner with the “head up ass” trophy! For this edition we’re going to do a deep dive on Doomsday Prepping when Montana takes on Tennessee for the Flyover League crown. And finally this week, we’ve got some great new music for you – this time from a Los Angeles based band who I like to call “Cold War Kids”. Yay! The kids love Cold War Kids. They have a great new album out and they will be stopping by to play something from it. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Trumpcare Pt.1: The Apocalypse Begins[/font]




Well, I tell you there aint no party like a rich white man’s party because a rich white man’s party don’t stop! Oh wait – it exactly stops at 11:00 PM. With no after party. And probably no booze either. Killjoys. You know – remember when the GOP had all those insane hearings and kept going on about how “death panels were going to kill your grandma”? Well they’re coming to kill your grandma all right, but it’s not Obama’s death panels. Nope, the sadistic assholes in the GOP House are the ones who are going to pull the plug. And if you’re not already angry as shit about this, well, you should be!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So what changes are made to this bill? In fact the whole thing is certifiably insane. And when you get down to it, it’s really just a giant “fuck you” to liberals and to the Obama administration. And now that they got their guy in SCOTUS, this shit will become reality. Yeah, think about that. But if that doesn’t piss you off, then maybe this will? The GOP celebrated like they won the fucking World Series:



And you can call this picture what you want. I call this picture “Meet The Fuckers”:



By the way, what would it look like if they all had the exact same face? Let’s take a look!



I mean… would anyone notice? Really? Anyone at all? And I think that picture deserves a far more fitting background:




But while Rome burns and Caesar celebrates, the celebration aint over just yet. It’s got a long, uphill battle to become an actual law signed of course – by guess who? Donald “Fake News” Trump.





But we’re still not done! In case you need all the horrifying details of what Trump’s insane new health laws ensue, here’s a handy guide for you.






[font size="8"]Trumpcare Pt 2: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder[/font]


Come on everybody lets get a chant going! “There aint no party like a GOP party because a GOP party don’t stop! There aint no party like a GOP party because a GOP party don’t stop! There aint no party like a GOP party because a GOP party don’t stop!”. Well it actually probably does stop after Steve Bannon drinks two handles of Jack Daniels and gets caught knocking over neighborhood lawn ornaments and mistaking a mailbox for a urinal. I’m just saying it happens! But were you invited to their crazy party and celebration? I know I wasn’t!





Hey even Caligula and Caesar partied heartily while Rome burned. But there’s more to this insane celebration of evil and greed that may be more than was led on.



I’d imagine the GOP parties like this:




But cases of Bud Light? Really? That’s their go-to beer? Although if you look at the great list of performers that they had at Trump’s inauguration – 3 Doors Down, Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood, their taste in music and their taste in beer are both quite similar – they have none!!! Taste and the GOP are two words that do not belong in the same sentence. I mean just look at their taste in interior decorating:



Is that a high rise NYC penthouse or a discount Sistine Chapel? And their taste in food:



Perfect metaphor for Trump – giant cake, tiny scoop of ice cream! “The best, OK?” And their taste in travel:



So why am I surprised that they have no taste in music or beer? But what really happened after their supposed “win”?



So they celebrated before they really should have celebrated. The bill still has a long way to go before it passes Trump’s desk. But even the GOP reps are quick to point out that the GOP shouldn’t be partying so soon:





Although speaking of accomplished douches, next the bill heads to the Senate, and would you be surprised in the least to learn that it’s one big sausage party? I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


Before we get into this week’s entry, we have to talk about some late breaking news! You know Comey was fired, and we wont be able to get into that in the kind of detail you’d expect from the Top 10 until next week, but we do have to talk about this:





So if you’re keeping score at home – Donald Trump just fired James Comey. And the guy who gets to look for his replacement has been accused of lying under oath. Seems legitimate. Now back to the original entry! The GOP loves to rub salt in the wound don’t they? They’re like the sports commentator who when your team loses very badly in a post season game, they’re the ones going “Well you should have tried harder and you wouldn’t have lost!”. I mean really? You have to go there? Well it’s bad enough that Donald Trump fired Sally Yates because, reasons. Well, now Mrs. Yates is hopping mad. And Trump himself is terrified! Oh yes, he is terrified, folks! So much that he tweeted this, we presume while on the toilet at 3:00 AM after he ate too many Trump branded cheeseburgers and chocolate cake:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/861592420043157504

Does he… even know what happens when you testify under oath? I don’t know a lot about how our legal system works, but doesn’t what happens when you testify under oath have serious consequences? Like things that I don’t know, could land you in federal prison? And isn’t this threatening a witness?



Now here’s where we get to introduce our new character Trumpy The Fake News Parrot. Say hi to the audience, Trumpy!



So now Trumpy the Fake News Parrot was created because Trump loves to decry any news outlet that doesn’t kiss his ass 100% as “fake news”. But seriously, we could have a whole series of these characters. There’s Kellyanne, the PR Lhasa Apso. There’s Pencey, the sly VP fox. There’s Jared, the foreign relations chameleon. There’s Bannon the Sloth. I could literally do these all day! But I’m getting off topic here What else does he say?



Thanks Trumpy! Does Trumpy want a cracker? Huh? Does Trumpy want a cracker? Maybe his companion Spicey The Truth Telling Bear will help ease the tension:





Wait, let’s contemplate this for a minute. Sean Spicer wants Sally Yates to tell the truth. Sean Spicer wants Sally Yates to tell the truth. Sean Spicer wants Sally Yates to tell the truth. No matter how many times I say it, it still sounds weird. This whole thing is a shit show. Oh and just like a parrot would do, guess who’s getting the blame for hiring Flynn? Yup! You guessed it!








Except, like most things Trump does, it’s not fucking true:





Thanks Trumpy!


[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


So you know before we get into this next entry, we have to go back to talking about AHCA for just one more minute. It’s certifiably batshit insane the more you do a deep dive into it. We have to talk about what kind of drugs the Trump administration might be on. I mean it’s no secret that Attorney General Casper The Friendly Ghost is planning to stomp out marijuana farms in his quest to ignite The War On Drugs II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder. But the Trump administration is doing its’ best to pull a Jedi Mind Trick on you in regards to marijuana.





I like that one! But now let’s juxtapose that with some fact checking. You know – as Donald Trump calls it “fake news!”. Where’s Trumpy at?



Thanks Trumpy! Now Trump must be talking out of his ass or Attorney General Beauregard is telling him what to think.





So what kind of drugs could the Trump administration be on? They’ve got to be smoking crack. I mean there’s no strain of marijuana out there that could make someone think the kind of thoughts about marijuana that the Trump administration must be thinking. But there’s more:



http://images.memes.com/meme/920139

So Trump’s plan to keep drugs out of America is to build a wall around the Mexican border, and to make Mexico pay for it. That’s like getting in a bar fight, and the guy who beats the shit out of you makes you pay his tab. And what good is a wall going to do? Sea and air travel still exist. And how do you expect to stop the influx of legal painkillers coming from Merck, GSK and Bayer out of the hands of addicts? A dome would be more effective than a wall.



Got to love it. But the only thing the wall will really do is symbolize the terrible choice we made in 2016. Yes, thank you! But would you be surprised in the least to learn that Trump is cutting funding for the Drug Control Office?






[font size="8"]Fundies Say The Darndest Things[/font]


Ladies and gentlemen it’s time for “Fundies Say The Darndest Things”!!!!! Yay!!!! Now here’s how this is going to work. This week, the fundamentalists turned out in droves to say some completely fucking insane, evil, horrible, hateful things. And when you think one can’t get worse, along comes another. I’ll give you this one from Mike Huckabee to start with – So this week, Twitter's worst comedian strikes again. And this one is indescribable. Mike Huckabee put out a tweet that is so jaw dropping, stunningly idiotic that both sides of your brain just shut down and go "LET'S FIGURE IT OUT!!!!!!"

https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/860431958660325376



I just…. How… why… who… what… where… Does he even know how you celebrate Cinco De Mayo? You don't celebrate it by drinking an entire bottle of hot sauce unless you want to tear a hole in your stomach lining and spend the night in urgent care. If that’s the way Mike Huckabee wants to celebrate Cinco De Mayo, that’s his choosing. And Speedy Gonzales? Is there any character more racist than that, or have no Latino-themed cartoon characters been created since 1956? But no! You celebrate by drinking tequila! And I'm not talking about your hipster Patron or your frat boy Jose Cuervo. Or whatever the fuck this thing is:



But no, you need real tequila. And a real understanding of what this holiday is about. And I can guarantee that it doesn't involve Trump brand taco bowls. And if he's trying to be funny, that's what we call a swing and a miss. But now we get into even crazier territory – take a look at what Rick Wiles said last week:





Now I don’t speak stupid, but even this has to be one of the most fucking insane things I’ve ever seen them say. I mean… Bill Clinton is a cannibal? Or is he an actual cannibal like Shia LeBeouf?



That never gets old. Next up in Fundies Say The Darndest Things, we have Theodore Shoebat, who we have discussed on this show a great many times.





Yeah because genocide is so hilarious isn’t it! I mean do these people believe the things they say? Or are they like that Lamar Bell guy from UCLA and they just say stupid shit like they want a billion dollars because it brings them money? But genocide? Really? You’re going there? We’re going to talk about what’s going on in Chechnya later, but it’s horrifying. And if you think it’s funny it isn’t. Now just remember – the fundamentalists want to end the Johnson Amendment. And if you think we’re kidding about this: Donald Trump reiterated this point last week:





And in case you’re wondering what makes Fundies Say The Darndest Things, could it possibly be brain damage?





Or could it be Trump’s “spiritual advisor” – someone who has a “church” where the members funnel insane amounts of money to her in exchange for… absolutely nothing?






[font size="8"]Republicans Vs Talk Shows[/font]


So the GOP is apparently going after talk shows now. Because there’s apparently no other battles to be fought. Yes that is the world in which we live. Trump supporters are the angriest group of people on the planet and they cant stand it when someone doesn’t kiss Trumpenfuror’s ass 100%. Gee I wonder what would happen if they were to find out about this show? But that’s beside the point. You know last week, one of my favorite talk show hosts – Jimmy Kimmel – had this to say about Trumpcare in the wake of his son being born with a birth defect:



But if you listened to the talk shows or anyone who has a conservative opinion…





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! That is a pretty fucking new low, and this is the party that elected Donald Trump as their president. And you know the old saying – when you’re already in a hole, stop digging:




Wait, so let me extrapolate what Mr. Brooks is saying – so people who “live good lives” will have a better quality of life? What if you’re born in a shit hole? Like most rural, extreme far right fundamentalist places in Alabama, for instance? And so that means no more late night booze and hooker binges? Come on, how’s a single guy supposed to spend his Saturday nights? Oh and by the way here’s how Jimmy Kimmel responded:



Now let’s juxtapose that with another one of my favorite talk shows – Late Night With Stephen Colbert. You know last week during the intro we talked about Colbert’s controversial monologue about his joke with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And in case you forgot about that, let’s roll the tape on that one!



Well, now here’s how the republicans have responded. I mean come on, let us have something. You guys have a monopoly on the media and the government. But take away my Colbert, and heads are going to roll!



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh by the way, here’s how Stephen Colbert responded. I love this man:

&t=164s


By the way it’s funny how the Trump crowd – the people who pride themselves on their anti-political correctness agenda – suddenly care about homophobia! I mean really! Do you actually care about homophobia or are you just doing it to piss us off?






[font size="8"]Eric Trump[/font]


Eric Trump. I think even Beavis and Butthead would be embarrassed by Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. And this one falls under the category of “When you’re in a hole, stop digging”. Unfortunately we wont get to cover the Sally Yates hearings as they’re ongoing, we’ll get to that this week. But the Trump sons are even dumber than you might imagine. So here’s what Beavis, er, Uday, er, Eric Trump said this week in regards to his father’s business dealings:





Wow, that one got the Jumbotron facepalm! That’s epic! But why would you say that to a golf reporter? I mean come on, your father is under multiple investigations for possible Russian involvement in the 2016 elections that gave us his ass. And of course – Eric Trump responded in the most Trump way possible – yup, you guessed it!





Thanks Trumpy! But folks – Eric Trump isn’t a fighter! He’s a uniter! With as divided as America is now – is this really the guy we want uniting us? I mean really?






[font size="8"]Marine LaPen[/font]


For this entry, we’re going to take a dip in the international Conservative Idiots file and head to France. Viva La France!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whew!!!! Whew!!!! Thank you. So over the weekend the French held their elections between the liberal candidate Emmanuel Macron, and the Trump / Putin / 4chan candidate Marine LaPen. Who united French nationalism and emboldened France’s white supremacists and neo-Nazis the way Trump did in the United States. Only difference between the two is – LaPen *KNOWS* she is emboldening white supremacists. But here’s why she lost:




Wow, that sounds strangely like the United States doesn’t it? I mean no one does voter abstention quite like the American GOP. Surely that can’t be the only coincidence can it?





Holy shit! Disenfranchisement with “political elites”? That doesn’t sound anything at all like our elections does it? What’s behind door #3?





How much does this sound like the US elections? So lets’ recap – you have voter abstention, which sounds a lot like the GOP. You have disenfranchisement with “political elites”. Which again sounds a lot like the republicans after the 2016 election. You also have the rise of an lunatic fringe novelty party that was once considered ideally insane. Which sounds a lot like the Breitbart / Infowars arm of the republican party. Now what’s behind door number 4?





[font size="8"]Eminem Vs. New Zealand[/font]


We need some music here, can we get some music?



God damn it!



No!!!! I mean we need the right music for this entry! Come on!



Yeah that’s more like it!! So this entry is about Eminem. Anyone remember the Vanilla Ice defense back in the 90s? It was when the surviving members of the legendary band Queen sued Vanilla Ice for using samples of their song “Under Pressure”. Well the suit ruled in favor of Vanilla Ice based on a few chords in the song and it’s been the butt of jokes in the music industry ever since. Well, in this day and age when anyone can put out an album without going the traditional routes, how do you stay original? Well, this is not one of those times. And it’s the Vanilla Ice defense all over again.



Now if you think we’re joking about this – this is real. This shit happened. Let’s take a look at the video:



And there’s more to this. This really is the Vanilla Ice defense circa 2017.





But the interesting thing is this case began 3 years ago and is just now festering. But the court footage that was obtained was certifiably insane. Let’s roll tape first and then discuss.





By the way, I love that John Oliver had a field day this week on this whole trial:





[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest Round 14: Flyover League Championship[/font]




16 states will enter, and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! If you need a reminder of the conferences, there’s the Batshit Conference, the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, the Gun Nut Conference, and the Family Values Conference. Folks , the Final Four has been set! This is it folks! This is the penultimate round of our long running Stupidest State Contest! Yes, penultimate means “next to last”, don’t you know? It’s like the “Granite State” episode of Breaking Bad – you know the final one is coming, and you wont know what it will bring! And then for the finale, we’re going to dive on a subject that all four states have in common that could be taken away from them as soon as next week – sanctuary cities! But let’s do a recap! Last week, Texas easily knocked off Kansas to advance to the finals. But who will be their opponent? Will it be the gun nuts in Montana, or will it be the racists and misogynists in Tennessee? Now what do you get when you combine reckless gun laws with reckless religious laws? You get one of the craziest things possible – Doomsday Prepping! And we are going to do a deep dive on this subject and how it affects both states. Did you see that recent John Goodman Doomsday flick “10 Cloverfield Lane”? Yeah it’s kind of like that. Alex Jones sells lots of shit aimed at the prepping faithful. The Prepping Faithful by the way, I saw them at the Troubadour last week, pretty awesome band! So who will challenge Texas for the crown? Will it be Montana or Tennessee? So let’s get out our brackets, shall we?



[font size="6"]Round 14: Flyover League Championship: Montana Vs. Tennessee[/font]

[font size="4"]Montana [/font]




Got to love Frank Zappa. So the state of Montana is home to some of the world’s craziest Doomsday Preppers. Now you might be wondering, how did we draw this conclusion? Well, part of it stems from Montana’s neighbors to the west - Idaho, who have been busy feeding the doomsday prepping frenzy, and frenzy is a word I hardly ever get to use. But what about doomsday prepping? Before we get into it, let’s talk about what they were doing in Idaho. There’s a colony being setup in far rural Idaho, called “The Citadel”. Let’s explain more:





Yes – be prepared. Because a bunch of armed, crazy lunatics living in the mountains with a truck load of guns practicing for combat that’s never going to happen. Where have I heard that before? Anyone, does that ring a bell? OK. Now let’s go back to Montana. So what do the nexus of batshit crazy gun laws and batshit crazy religious laws get you? Why they get you this.



http://beforeitsnews.com/contributor/upload/383214/images/z13(24).png

I like that one! Plus the clarifier “These are not crazy people”. Of course they are! You’re preparing for the apocalypse by living as remotely as possible! How is that not “batshit fucking crazy”? Well, Montana is home to Yaak Valley, where the idea of doomsday prepping has just been taken to some very weird and unusual extremes:





So if you’re keeping score at home – Montana is home to white supremacists, hermits, doomsday preppers, extreme outdoor survivalists, and drunken rednecks. Just the exact toxic pool of people who we’re looking to draw from for this contest. But even Montana’s most hardcore doomsday preppers – you know the kind of people like you see in the flick “10 Cloverfield Lane” – are doubting their own movement even in the day and age of Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear war:



I’m guessing that by “something”, they mean shit.



[font size="4"]Tennessee [/font]


Now let’s explore the flip side of doomsday prepping – apocalyptic preaching. Which Tennessee has in droves. Now I define this as – did you see the movie Kingsman: The Secret Service? There’s a scene where there’s a fight in the church where Samuel L Jackson’s character Richmond Valentine triggers the whole church to kill each other. And that scene has a sermon from a preacher who is very similar to the Westboro Baptist Church. So we should go through this in more detail. But you know – doomsday prepping isn’t just a conservative only thing. Even the liberal preppers are getting in on it, and it’s becoming a huge market in Tennessee as companies are seeing the possibilities of selling “off the grid” properties:





And in fact there’s a huge doomsday prepper market in rural eastern Tennessee. They call themselves “The Mountain Preppers”. And unlike Montana doomsday preppers – Tennessee’s doomsday preppers have the added bonus of high altitudes.



Now getting back to what I was talking about earlier – with apocalyptic preaching, that’s the other side of the doomsday prepper coin. These are the people who make their living preaching about the apocalypse, which keeps the doomsday prepping industry in check. And Tennessee is home to some of the craziest preachers like this in the country.





By the way, what is it with creepy psychopaths and the song “Hey Venus”? We saw that in Dexter with John Lithgow’s character and he was obsessed with that song. So even the billionaires of this world want some of that sweet, sweet doomsday prepping action. And it’s not just limited to Tennesee! Mountain prepping is a thing that’s becoming bank for America’s billionaires.





And by the way – in case you’re wondering whether or not you should build that bunker, regardless of what state you live in, here’s some good advice.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is… [/font]

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!! Whew!!! Whew!!!! And this was a very tough, hard fought battle that went into a double overtime. But Montana has pulled it out! They will face Texas in the national championship next week. Final score – 105 – 95. Cut the net, guys! You earned it! Finally, next week we will be crowning our Stupidest State! We will have the matchup, the post game interview, the coaches’ post game press conference, the statement from the commissioner and the presentation of the head up the ass trophy. And of course we will end by singing that song we all know and love!



[font size="8"]And now this:[/font]
[font size="8"]Cold War Kids[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen , playing their new song “Love Is Mystical” from their excellent new album “LA Divine”, please welcome Cold War Kids!





Yeah how about that… wait what? My producer is telling me that we need a cliff hanger ending to set up the season finale.



See you next week for the Season 2 season finale! It will be epic!

May 6, 2017

Hey republicans! A little secret about the economy and healthcare!

You may complain about freeloaders and people mooching off your paycheck, but there's a little secret in it for you. There's people who *ARE* mooching off your paycheck, but that danged "liberal media" won't report the truth! And why is that? You may point out that "illegals" and "the poor" are the ones who are mooching off your paycheck. But in reality that's simply not true. In reality you know the person who's really mooching off your paycheck? I'll give you a little hint.

IT'S YOUR BOSS!!!!

It's not the people you would think. You've been lied to and played for chumps the last 40 years. Because all you listen to is angry right wing pundits like Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reillly and Alex Jones - millionaires who live in gaudy mega mansions and high rise apartments. And guess what? They pay nothing in taxes! So of course its' in their best interest to keep the GOP in power. In reality the real "freeloaders" who are "mooching off your paycheck" are the millionaires and billionaires of this world. It's the Kochs and the Mercers. It's Rex Tillerson - who could make a hundred *BILLION* if sanctions against the Russian government are lifted and Exxon can begin drilling in the Russian arctic. It's the DeVos family - who live in gigantic mega mansions and pay next to nothing in taxes. It's the clergy - whose combined annual income is in the trillions - and they don't pay a dime in taxes. It's Bill Gates. It's Mark Zuckerberg. It's John Schnatter who lives in a giant castle with a private golf course and told his 30,000 employees and Papa John's franchise owners to go fuck themselves when it comes to health care. And it's your fucking president - Donald J. Trump. Who lives in a giant gold tower with his name on it, flies in a jet with his name on it, and spends his weekends golfing at a gigantic mega resort for the billionaire class. Oh but remember he was going to work so hard on the weekends that he wouldn't have time for golf? Yeah he made that promise. So who are the real elitists in this picture here?

So the next time you want to complain about freeloaders - the biggest freeloaders of all are the people who pay you that minimum wage that's keeping you in debt. It's the credit card companies and student loan debt that's keeping you from achieving prosperity. You know the clergy and people like Alex Jones rail on the fact that we liberals hate prosperity. We don't hate prosperity - we want you to be successful. What we hate is the "prosperity gospel" - which Jones and pastors like Joel Osteen believe in - you know the idea that you can pray for money and eventually you'll get everything you want. You know, it's "The Secret" for extreme right wing religious nuts. And we all know "The Secret" is a steaming load of bullshit.

And the next time you complain about healthcare - think about how much profit the health insurance industry makes per quarter. And this is acceptable to you? And our costs aren't going down any time soon. You know there's a difference between .01 and .02% growth per quarter - and it's the reason why our costs aren't going down. So think about that the next time you rail on "freeloaders". Because the real freeloaders aren't who you would think.

May 3, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-22: Argo FOAK Yourself Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-22: Argo FOAK Yourself Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Ladies and gentlemen, before we get started – we are just two short weeks away from the season finale of season 2 of the Top 10. Now don’t be sad. It’s been fun. We’ve got some big plans for Season 3, including starting a Top 10 World Tour, and the possibility of launching our first ever Top 10 podcast! Yes, I am still researching the possibilities for this. Season 3 will start after the end of our Stupidest State contest. So we have to talk about Colbert on Monday. We’ll play the clip in a minute, but was what he said really *THAT* offensive? We had to put up with 8 years of taunts, death threats, Trump Tweets, the Tea Party, Glenn Beck, Steve King, and other vile, nasty shit that the GOP has said and done about Obama and Clinton the last 8 years. And now they’re in charge and they just cant let it go. And the poor little snowflakes have started a “Fire Colbert” campaign. So if you're keeping score at home – in the last 8 months, conservatives have staged boycotts against Hamilton, because they were “mean” to Mike Pence. They started an inexplicably insane campaign to get Starbucks to write “Trump” on their cups as a means of protest (?). They staged a boycott of Hawaii because judges have blocked Trump’s illegal and unconstitutional travel ban. They’ve also staged boycotts against Oreos, Star Wars, Nordstrom, Netflix, the Girl Scouts, the Boy Scouts, Budweiser and Pepsi. These are all real. I am not making any of these up! Hell, Ranker even has a list of the 15 things Trump supporters have boycotted. And now they’re staging a boycott against Colbert and CBS. We liberals have just one boycott going – and that’s against Trump himself. So I ask you this - who are the snowflakes again? But what Colbert said, was that really *THAT* offensive after Alex Jones called Obama a smelly demon from hell? And how would he know what demons from hell smell like? Or that crazy woman who said that Michelle Obama was an "ape in high heels"? Or any number of times Ted Nugent threatened to murder Obama? Oh and it's funny how the crowd that prides themselves on their anti-PC ignorance suddenly cares about homophobia. Shut the fuck up! Let’s take a look:



So where do we begin this week? Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the top 2 slots this week is of course President Donald J. Trump! Well done, take a bow! In the first slot – we’re going to talk Trump’s (1) insane penchant for war. And when you get history wrong and call a murderous dictator to heap praise on his “work” eliminating the opposition, what are you doing? It’s almost as if they want war – not just overseas, but here at home. At number 2 – Trump (2) gave a speech in Pittsburgh over the weekend and if you guessed it was batshit fucking crazy, you are correct! OMG he is certifiably insane. In the number 3 slot is former RNC chair and guy who keeps Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon from entering a UFC octagon, Reince Preibus. So did you know that the Trump administration is looking into “ending the 1st amendment”? Yeah that’s a thing that was discussed. And it could end the US as we know it. And I feel fine. In the fourth slot is Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi (4). So he made some crazy comments at a recent town hall meeting in Cheyenne, and it’s about what would happen if a guy were to wear a tutu while walking into a bar. So in protest we’re holding our first ever Top 10 fashion show. At number 5 is the NRA (5). So the NRA’s reckless disregard for the second amendment is getting them in some hot water as guns are banned from their Atlanta rally while Trump is speaking. What could go wrong? Meanwhile, Wayne La Pierre is making some hateful comments about Bernie Sanders.Taking the number 6 slot, we are going to introduce you to a new protest group calling itself “The Proud Boys” (6) that made its’ debut kicking ass against Antifa at UC Berkeley, but they’re even more batshit crazy than you might imagine. In the number 7 slot is Scott Baio. Yes, Chachi of the series “Joanie Loves Chachi” is under fire after shooting himself in the foot over the ensuing shit storm that followed when he said some horrible things about her, you are correct. And oh yes, he is a conservative idiot. Make no mistake about that. In the number 8 slot, we’re going to talk about United Airlines (8). So what happened this week? Well, we’re going to get to the bottom of why an unusually large rabbit was found dead on a flight from London to Chicago. Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, we’re going to talk about concert festivals because it’s that time of year again. But none so much a disaster as the Fyre Festival (9). Whew, boy they do good work. I guess? Finally this week – we’re nearing the end of our Stupidest State Contest and we will eventually crown our Stupidest State! But not before we get to the final four – and this week it’s the Layover League Championship – who will survive to go on to the NFFSA championship? Will it be Texas or Kansas and we will be doing something a bit different for this round, but we think you’ll like it! And we have some new live music for you – this time from a band I like to call “Mastodon”. Yay!!!!! They’re going on tour with Eagles Of Death Metal right now and it’s a great show from what I hear. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


Come on sing it with me:



And you know – Donald J. Trump don’t know much about history. He don’t know much about biology. He don’t know much about science too. He don’t know much about the French he took. But he does know he loves… something. What that is we’re unclear of. So why is President Trump in such hot water over his Civil War remarks? Is he trying to incite a civil war? Because you know that’s what they secretly want, but they wont say it. In fact here’s Trump’s exact quote about the Civil War.





And here’s what actually happened – this whole thing is fucked up. Trump lies so much that his lies begat his lies. Is this lie-ception? Does he lie so much that it blurs the line between truth and fiction? He doesn’t even get history right – and he’s the fucking president!





And my favorite thing about this is that Trump would have failed the US Citizenship test because this question is on it:





In fact the LA Times (FAKE NEWS!!!!) ran a piece called “Why Trump Lies” that’s worth reading when you get the chance.





But getting back to the subject of Trump and Civil War, you know Trump lies constantly – and so much that he doesn’t even know his perceived history from actual history. You know like most republicans claim to know. But when it comes to actual war, he loves him some war. In fact if there ever were a Civil War II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder With A Vengeance, Trump’s got an ally on his side. And be afraid, be very fucking afraid. Where’s the spinning top when you need it?



And the even scarier thing – he thinks the Constitution is “too archaic”. I’m surprised he even knows what the word “archaic” means!



So to recap – in six months they went from saying that Constitution needs to be taken literally to the point where they carry pocket size copies of the Constitution to remind you of its’ awesomeness, to saying its’ old, archaic and needs to be gone away with completely. These fucking people. Where’s that damn spinning top????




[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


First off – I love that this website exists – the Trump Golf Counter: http://www.golfwithdonald.com/ , got to love that there’s some creative people on the internet. But we got to talk about the insanity that was the Donald Trump for President rally in Pittsburgh (or Pittsburg as the Chaiinsmokers called it last week! ).





MOST DIVISIVE EVER!! Bravo! Well done! But really – Trump is a broken record and a parrot combined into one. He can’t shut up about the “fake news” media. Does Trumpy want a cracker? “SQWAAAAK!!! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!!! FAKE NEWS!!!” And this comes on the same day as the WHCD! Coincidence? AWWWW!!! FAKE NEWS!!!





Oh and by the way in case you’re wondering if Trump treats his fans as well as he treats the media, well this happened during the rally.





Oh and by the way, switching subjects for a minute, you know racism is a hot topic right now with the alt right movement, and now this is happening. WHITE SUPREMACISM IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY, DO YOU GET THAT TRUMPHEADS????



Oh and they think they’re being cute and clever doing this in the White House, but it’s not fucking funny, I will repeat that! Can we show that picture?



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And by the way if you think that’s bad, not only were white supremacists spotted inside the rally, his supporters are just as crazy. Like this guy who thinks that if you’re protesting Trump, you’re protesting GOD HIMSELF!!! Where’s White Power Bill when you need him? His time is now!






[font size="8"]Reince Preibus[/font]





OK maybe at least it’s the end of America. And I still feel fine! Yes, our freedoms are on the chopping block. And Trump spokesman and guy who keeps Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner from fighting each other cartoon style, Reince Preibus said that Donald Trump is actually seriously considering “overwriting or abolishing the 1st amendment”. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So before we explain to Reince how the constitution works, we need to get into this:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You suck if you even consider this as a distinct possibility. It’s grossly unconstitutional. In fact we’re going to show you this video on how the constitution works:



Thanks TED talk! So they’d need approval from essentially 2/3 of the country before they can pass an amendment overwriting the first amendment. And in case you haven’t heard, free speech is more popular than Jesus in America. And any attempt to hurt free speech on one side would hurt it for both. So really, they only looked at changing “libel laws”. Yeah right!





Wait – so they want to be able to sue the “FAKE NEWS!!!” media for slander? And they’d end free speech for everyone in the country to do it? Does that mean we can sue Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Ann Coulter for 40 years of back lies and slander now? Hey I see an upside to this, but that would require those “trial lawyers” that the GOP hates so much! Thank you! But the end might be nearing for Reince Preibus, because he’s pissed off the extreme far right and they’re people who you don’t want to piss off.






[font size="8"]Mike Enzi[/font]


You know town halls have been a bit of a cause for concern among the GOP faithful lately. And they’ve been booed, met with protest, met with hostility and very angry crowds. So when your constituents turn on you because you can’t be loved 24/7, what do you do? Well, we go to Wyoming for this one – the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Well, would you be shocked and surprised to learn that Wyoming’s representatives are about as crazy as Cheney is? Plus they have a tendency to show that good old fashioned brand of republican sympathy we’ve come to know and love. Meet Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi (R-Obviously). Who last week said this:





This raises many questions. OK so what prompted this? And why the hell is Mike Enzi thinking about guys wearing tutus? And where has he ever seen a guy wear a tutu walking into a bar? This is one of those things where thinking about it too much would make your head explode. Kingsman style or Scanners style? Either way it’s an exploding head. But then he doesn’t just roll back his comment – he generates a response of WTF proportions.





Oh and he did apologize to the man in question – who doesn’t own a tutu ( ) but does regularly wear women’s clothing:





Hey why not? But this is my favorite part of this whole story. So I love when the GOP’s talking points blow up in their faces. I love that shit. I can’t get enough of it. So in spite of Mike Enzi’s comments, the residents of Wyoming went out of their way to show their support for men wearing tutus, because, republicans.



Yeah work it!




[font size="8"]The NRA[/font]


NRA… what the fuck are you doing? I think we as a nation need to sit down and have an intervention with you. OK so Donald Trump, as you know, is speaking at the annual NRA convention which is being held in Atlanta this year. So of course that will mean guns, guns everywhere. But when you’re too extreme for Donald Trump, one, what does that say about your organization? And two – it leads to shit like this. And in a day and age where mass shootings are not only a thing, there’s actual *DRILLS* held for them when they used to be held for natural disasters – things like fires and earthquakes, and possible nuclear winter. But it leads to shit like this:





Yeah that’s a huge loss for the NRA. I mean when they cant take their precious killing machines everywhere, where does one go from there? Yes, it’s way past time that we as a country hold an intervention for the NRA. Their addiction to guns and power has led them to say some ridiculously stupid shit like this:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So they’re clearly becoming a danger to themselves. And how does one deal with that? Especially when their lust for power knows no boundaries? Well, they’re definitely a danger to themselves.





And they’re becoming a danger to others:





And then they’re going out of their way to feed their addiction, which makes them a danger to themselves and to others:



And they’re surrounding themselves with people who feed their addiction, which feeds their addiction, which makes them a danger to themselves and a danger to others:






[font size="8"]The Proud Boys[/font]


So whether you’re liberal or conservative, one thing we can all agree on is that people who show up at your rallies looking to stir some shit up by throwing smoke bombs, carrying crowbars and looking to beat the shit out of people and destroying property isn’t cool, right? Well, we saw that at UC Berkeley with Antifa. And now there’s a new group emerging – they’re calling themselves “The Proud Boys”. And they’re coming to a protest near you, and they’re looking to stir shit up – only they’re for Trump.





“The Fraternal Order Of Alt Knights”. Which abbreviates to FOAK. Which almost kind of sounds like “fuck” when you say it out loud. Go FOAK yourselves, Proud Boys. Or in the words of the movie Argo, Argo FOAK Yourselves, Proud Boys. Thank you! "That movie was fake news, OK! Our soldiers weren't rescued by a movie producer!". Thanks Mr. President. And the Proud Boys, as you might have guessed, are every bit as batshit crazy and stupid as you might expect coming from a brown shirt pro-Trump group that refuses to apologize for their conservative beliefs. Why do you need to refuse to apologize? And therein lies the problem. They even have ridiculously stupid uniforms to go with it:



These guys don’t look like warriors. They look like they work for Mike’s Discount Pest Control. “Need bugs squashed? Call Mike’s Discount Pest Control Today! 1-800-DED-BUGS”.





You’re not defending free speech here. What you’re really defending is your right to be an asshole. I mean… thank you! And yes, they really are defending their right to be assholes. And what happens when you get two groups of batshit crazy people with polarizing extreme beliefs attending the same rally looking to start some shit? You get what amounts to the equivalent of a middle school dance – where the boys are on one side of the room, the girls are on the other, and concerned parents in the middle. Or in this case, cops in riot gear.



http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.3114038.1493415041!/img/httpImage/image._gen/derivatives/article_1200/berkeley-ann-coulter-20774-jpg.

And by the way in case you’re wondering how far the extreme far right goes under the guise of “free speech”, if you were to use that insane terrorism chart from the Bush years, Ann Coulter would be in the orange level, the Proud Boys would be in the bright red level, and Theodore Shoebat would be in the dark red level. I mean this is some scary fucking shit here.






[font size="8"]Scott Baio[/font]




Apparently Chachi doesn’t love Joanie as much as you would think. Well, Erin Moran passed away last week at age 56. Which itself is a downright tragedy when you consider her age and the cancer she contracted at that age. Well, her costar in that show, Scott Baio, wasn’t exactly what one would call “sympathetic”. In fact he was the opposite of it. Let’s explain:





And not only did Scott Baio fail, and fail hard – he doubled down. You know when most people say something insensitive – they quickly learn from it and try to not let that happen in the future. But not Scott “Here are the facts” Baio.





But… like all feuds, here’s where the conversation takes a turn and gets dark real fucking quick. OK so when you’re in a back and forth feud, perhaps don’t mention your penis. Because that will cause people to defend your penis. And yes this is a thing, and it’s already making me cringe enough.






[font size="8"]United Airlines[/font]


Another week, another fail that is United Airlines. You know – first they had that incident where the girl got kicked off a flight going to Milwaukee for wearing leggings. Oh the horror! Then you had the clusterfuck that was the booting of Dr. David Dao off a flight going to Atlanta. And the fallout of that is still not finished! But that’s not what we’re going to talk about in this entry. Did you know that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago to be verified by the Guinness Book Of World Records as the world’s largest rabbit?





Yeah it’s a terrible tragedy and yet another fuck up that is costing United Airlines big time, or to put it in Trump speak – “bigly”. But here’s the weird thing about this whole story – the rabbit was given a clean bill of health prior to being boarded on the long flight from London to Chicago:





But United isn’t quite done shooting themselves in the foot the way Daffy Duck or Elmer Fudd would, because the fallout from this incident is baffling. I mean the only way things could get worse for United right now is if they had Sean Spicer as their PR person.





And then things get even weirder than that. You know – maybe when you’re under intense public scrutiny for a colossal fuck up over the way your airline handles animals, maybe don’t do this.






[font size="8"]Fyre Festival[/font]


What’s more awesome than a trip to the Bahamas? Beautiful beaches, even more beautiful ladies, the sun, the clear waters and sandy beaches… and to top it off some really awesome music to go with that backdrop! I’m of course talking about Ja Rule and the Fyre Festival. Which started out great…





Sounds great! I mean who wouldn’t want to see Blink 182 on the beach? I’ve seen Blink 182 live – they are an amazing show to catch if they come to your city. But Blink 182 started the backlash against the organizers of the Fyre Festival which led to this:





So why spend $12,000 on a concert festival that included a flight on a private 737 from Miami if the experience was going to be sub par? I mean like I said – who wouldn’t want to go to the Bahamas – beautiful women, beautiful beaches, and some kick ass music? I mean who wouldn’t want to enjoy that? Well after Blink 182 pulled out, the whole thing turned into a complete shit show:





Yeah so the producers of this show were… you guessed it! Only in it for the money! But guess what? Oh and the producers have been hit with a lawsuit totaling – get this - $100 million dollars! What???





You know what this is like? It’s like the Kamp Krusty episode of the Simpsons – the show they were promised wasn’t exactly what one would call “entertaining”. The food wasn’t there and the “luxury tents” were shacks. Who do you blame? Do you blame the producers? Do you blame Ja Rule? Do you blame the organizers? Who??





No beer? Are you fucking kidding? This again is like the Simpsons! If you’re going to pony up $12K for an island getaway, at least include some fucking beers! And you know what my favorite part of this whole thing was? The "organizers" of the Fyre Festival - rather than attempt a mass refund of the tickets - are offering "VIP packages" to next year's Fyre Festival! I shit you not - this is a real thing! And as much of an epic fail as this was, a survey of attendees of this "festival" found that 81% who went, would go next year! Now really...





There’s only one way they can make it up to the attendees! And that's by taking them to the happiest place on earth - Tijuana, Mexico! *cue South Of The Border by Gene Autry*







[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest Round 13: Layover League Championship[/font]




16 states will enter, and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! If you need a reminder of the conferences, there’s the Batshit Conference, the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, the Gun Nut Conference, and the Family Values Conference. Folks , the Final Four has been set! We have the four G’s of the GOP represented. We have god. We have guns. We have gays. And we have excessive corporate greed! So which one of these states will be crowned the Stupidest State? Will it be Montana, Texas, Kansas, or Tennessee? If you want the odds – well it’s anyone’s game at this point. The underdogs in Tennesee are the long shot against heavily favored Montana, while Kansas could win the Layover League, but it’s also a long shot against favored Texas, who squashed Florida and Kentucky. Now how are the finals going to work? Well, here’s how. We are going to find the nexus of what these two states in each matchup have in common. So what do you get when you combine reckless government spending with a tendency to be overall batshit crazy? You get the Koch Brothers, and we’ll examine the Koch Brothers’ influence on these states in the Layover League. Now on the other hand, what do you get when you combine a reckless disregard for the 1st amendment with a reckless disregard for the 2nd amendment? You get one of my all time favorite subjects – Doomsday Prepping! Both Montana and Tennessee are home to some of the country’s craziest doomsday preppers, as well as preachers who preach about the apocalypse coming. And we will explore that subject thoroughly. And then for the grand finale – we’re going to explore one of the hottest subjects around – sanctuary cities. Something that all 4 states have in common. And something that may be going away thanks to Trump’s stance on immigration.So for this one, we’re going to explore the Tea Party in Texas and Kansas. Let’s get out our brackets shall we?



[font size="6"]Round 13: Layover League Championship: Kansas Vs Texas[/font]

[font size="4"]Texas [/font]




Next up we come back to the Lone Star State. We don’t need to tell you what Texas is already the home of, because we have covered that extensively in the previous two rounds. So we come to the league championship here. And there is something that that overall batshit crazy has to do with excessive government spending. And the nexus of these two things is Koch Industries. And more particularly two of the country’s richest men – Charles and David Koch, who stem to profit handsomely if Donald Trump passes his tax plan, which we all know is a steaming load of horseshit designed to take aim at screwing over the middle class, while giving away gigantic sums of money to those who already have more money than God. So what does the Koch Brothers have to do with Texas? Well…





But wait! Texas is overwhelmingly republican, you may say! And Texas consistently elects a republican majority in its’ key elections, you may say! Well… why are they becoming a minority and why are they so fucking angry? It’s hard to please a right winger. So you might as well not try. These people thrive on hatred, and if they got no one left to hate, they start hating each other.





Because nothing says “I love you” like a giant slab of meat! And I am going to need the audio from that sound bite. Getting back to the subject at hand – just how much has the Texas extreme far right fucked over the state?





Holy fucking shit!!!! They want to be able to raid court houses and battered women’s shelters? Let’s expand on that one a bit. And why am I not surprised in the least that Dan Patrick is involved in this? You know we previously profiled Dan Patrick as one of the “People Who Somehow Got Elected” (see Idiots #2-10 ). But what is this bill?





[font size="4"]Kansas [/font]


Next, we come back to Kansas. We don’t need to tell you facts about Kansas, because we live in a world where facts don’t matter anymore. But Kansas is also the home of Koch Industries – headquartered in Witchita, Kansas. Remember that movie “Undercover Brother” where Eddie Griffin teams up with a secret agency and infiltrates an evil corporation run by “The Man”? Well, in the last few years, “The Man” has revealed his true identity. And now “The Man” is none other than Charles and David Koch – who not only run Koch Industries but also the Heritage Foundation. Which in modern history is currently the root of all fucking evil. Let’s explore further.





And so when you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up from there, is there? Well, Mike Pompeo left the Kansas House to join Trump’s CIA (where he denounced Wikileaks after once favoring it). So what’s been going on in the special election to replace him? Well…





And then there’s more to it than this. But here’s how you can pundit like a pro. The backlash against Trump is very intense, and Kansas is no victim in it. In fact Kansas is one state in the country that has taken more heat from the election thanks to their support of Trump, and the overwhelming Tea Party majority that has consumed and plagued the state. You know the Tea Party are like locusts – they consume and destroy everything they touch, and leave no stone unturned.





I like that one! But let’s talk about Sam Brownback and the Koch Brothers’ influence on him. Like I said the GOP are like locusts. They destroy everything they touch. So Trump wants a batshit crazy tax plan that would give to the rich and steal from those who need it. And Trump’s tax plan would essentially be Kansas on steroids:





But we’re still not done in how the Tea Party destroyed the state of Kansas. You know the Tea Party started because conservatives were fed up with Obama (when they should have really been fed up with themselves), but the damage done will take decades, maybe even a century to repair and get Kansas back on track.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is… [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first conference championship winner! And it is Texas, who hangs on to beat Kansas, and they will win the Layover League without fail. After all, Texas had that stunning comeback victory against the almighty Florida Man and hung on to easily beat Kentucky in the first round. Will they win the whole thing? They have just two more rounds before they find out! Cut the net guys, you earned it! Final score – 81 – 73. Kansas, you put up an incredibly good fight and your republicans are evil and crazy. But Texas’ republicans are evil, crazy and just flat out fucking stupid. Next week, it’s the Flyover League championship, where we will be doing a deep dive on one of my favorite subjects – Doomsday Prepping, complete with memes and clips from the recent doomsday flick “10 Cloverfield Lane”. We are just two short rounds away from crowning our Stupidest State!



[font size="8"]And now this:[/font]
[font size="8"]Mastodon[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, playing their new song “Roots Remain” from their amazing new album “Emperor Of Sand”, please welcome Mastodon!





Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

May 3, 2017

Trump Discusses History - Mad Magazine

https://twitter.com/MADmagazine/status/859450985344794624