jmowreader
jmowreader's JournalWoke Week in Review!
(Setting: A TV studio with two big rednecks wearing Trump hats on the stage…)
“How y’all doing? I’m Cletus.”
“And I’m Cooter. And it’s time for Woke Week in Review!”
“That’s right, Cletus. This here’s the show where we tell y’all in the home audience what woke products to be pissed off about this week so you can go buy a bunch of it and blow it up to own the libs!”
“And our first woke product is Cat. What kind of woke crap is naming’ yer company after a fuckin’ cat and not a real man’s pet, a dog? Y’all need to buy you a D-8 Cat and shove it off a cliff just to show those woke bastards just what you think of their efforts to infect our children with some kinda woke mind virus.”
“The next product we’ve gotta talk about is Cutwater Cocktails. This is the kind of hoity-toity woke bull crap that a man, and I use the term loosely, who can’t get him a real woman so he’s gotta settle for some foo-foo lawyer that makes five million dollars a year would drink. This garbage comes in about nine flavors, none of which a real Ultra MAGA man should ever even think of drinking, so y’all need to buy two cases of each and a whole can of AR-15 ammo and shoot holes in all these cans so all those woke libs know how to think of you!”
“And look at this damn woke t-shirt with a picture of Mexican NASCAR driver Daniel Suarez on it. The guy’s only ever won one damn race in his life and he thinks he’s such hot shit he deserves a t-shirt? Y’all need to buy a thousand of these and burn ‘em in a big bonfire at the next race you go to.”
“And now let’s read some texts we’ve been gettin’ here…we got one from a President Joe Biden who says this show is the stupidest thing he’s seen all month and that includes Marjorie Taylor Greene tryin’ to impeach him for no fucking reason, one from the president of somethin’ called the Caterpillar Tractor Company that says ‘look dumbass, we didn’t name those tractors after cats,’ one from the president of Cutwater Cocktail Company that says the fact his wife makes five million bucks a year ain’t hurt his manliness one bit, and one from Daniel Suarez who says he makes three bucks a shirt in royalties and trying to own him by giving him three thousand dollars don’t make no sense at all.”
“So tune in next week while we sit here all dolled up tellin’ ya why guys gettin’ dolled up ain’t American. Till then, stay pissed!”
Josef Newgarden's Indy 500 victory celebration was one for the ages
You could argue that the way IndyCar handled the end of the 500 was BS - it was a one-lap shootout - but until they adopt NASCAR overtime rules, it is what it is.
So…Newgarden made a quick pass on the race leader Marcus Ericsson, won by about a car length, turned one victory lap…then stopped on the Yard of Bricks, shut down, got out of the car, crawled through the catch fence and jumped into a pack of fans to celebrate.
The Ultimate Manliness Test!
Step 1. Go to Target and buy a solid black women's v-neck t-shirt and a tube of Maybelline Nude Lust lipstick. (This shade is nearly invisible on your lips.)
Step 2. Put both of them on.
Step 3. Go to the supermarket you usually shop at wearing these items and purchase a six-pack of Bud Light, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, two steaks, two lobster tails, two baking potatoes, salad fixings, two ears of corn, and dessert. Return home.
Did you think to yourself:
a. I'm going to put everything that needs to be cooked in my smoker. It'll be great!
b. I have lost my manhood! I have fallen ill with the Woke Mind Virus! I must immediately regain my manliness by getting a huge tattoo of Our Greatest President Donald Trump riding an eagle while carrying an American Flag and firing an M60 machine gun down on the woke mob below, and then I must shoot this woke beer with my AR-15 while watching John Wayne movies. God, I hope no one I know saw me like this! I almost couldn't get out of my car for fear my friends will call me woke and never speak to me again!
If you thought (a) then you are a Manly Man.
If you thought (b) then you are a right-wing snowflake and there is no hope for you.
I don't know why someone hasn't tried this...
Apparently gun laws are bad because we didn't have gun laws at the founding of the Republic, and as we all know no one can ever make any new laws.
Why hasn't anyone tried to get the marijuana laws overturned based on the theory that weed was legal in the United States until the early 20th Century? Marijuana is a LOT less lethal than guns! It was used as a medication way back when.
Another way to send Trump to his reward
1. Cremate his corpse.
2. Divide the ashes into as many portions as all the people he hated most, plus one for each member of the Central Park 5. Put them in bags.
3. Invite all those people to go to a neighborhood jail in NYC. Pass out the bags.
4. Issue these solemn instructions: enter a cell, dump the contents of the bag into the toilet, take a giant shit on the ashes, and push the Flush button.
The upcoming MSNBC Trump Town Hall
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to tonight’s town hall with former President Donald J. Trump. I am your host, Samuel L. Jackson. Tonight Mr. Trump will answer questions from an audience comprised solely of members of Democratic Underground, liberal college professors and parents of children who died in mass shootings. The doors to the hall are all guarded by members of Los Angeles street gangs to ensure Mr. Trump stays here until the end of the session. They have given their solemn word that they will not attempt to kill each other during the town hall. Mr. Trump, you will sit here answering questions until our audience decides it is time to leave. Mr. Trump, are you ready?”
“I do not accept the conditions you have placed on this session. I will not answer any of these questions.”
“Yes you do and yes you will. First question.”
“Mr. Trump, my screen name on Democratic Underground is (inserts name). Please explain to us why you thought you could stay in office after President Biden beat the pants off you in the 2020 election, and you understood that you had lost.”
“I’m not answering such a woke question.”
“Answer the fuckin’ question, motherfucker!”
So where were the good guys with guns in Allen?
Premium Outlets is a chain of high-end outlet malls scattered around the country. They are all open-air malls. Combine open-air malls with Texans' love of guns, and it only makes sense that there were quite a few armed individuals there at the time of the mass shooting.
If you take the Second Amendment Absolutists at their word, twenty or thirty of these Good Guys With Guns should have immediately whipped out their shootin' arns, formed up into an impromptu infantry platoon, and killed the Bad Guy With A Gun who was killing their fellow shoppers.
But...they didn't. A cop at the mall killed him.
The only thing I can think of is the whole "good guy with a gun" is a myth - largely because when you need 'em, they're not there.
Public opinion poll: Will Tarrio and his co-conspirators get the full 20 at their sentencing?
--Eddie Slovik, the only US soldier executed for desertion during World War II, to the members of his firing squad on the morning of his death
There is much joy in Mudville as Enrique Tarrio and three other Proud Boys have struck out: they were all convicted of Seditious Conspiracy, said to be the hardest crime the insurrectionists could have been charged with to get a conviction on.
This crime carries a maximum sentence of 20 years.
I suspect they will get the maximum because of all the evil he has perpetrated in his life. What do you think?
I wanted to draw a picture of a Mass Shooting Counter
But every idea I have for its appearance looks like an odometer.
Well...it happened again: the Hard Right is pissed about something else that's over.
https://nypost.com/2023/05/04/joshua-kelley-accuses-critics-of-not-truly-supporting-military/In 2022 the US Navy, one of our finest fighting forces, decided to designate five young sailors as "digital ambassadors" to try to convince the youth of our country to consider a career in uniform. The program ran from October 2022 to March 2023, and the "ambassadors" used social media to spread the word that the Navy is a good place to work and live.
One of these ambassadors was Yeoman Second Class (equivalent to an Army or Marine sergeant or Air Force staff sergeant) Joshua Kelley. YM2 Kelley, in his off-duty life, performs as drag queen Harpy Daniels. In her Harpy Daniels persona, she looks good. In his Yeoman persona he holds the Enlisted Air Warfare Specialist badge so he's a good Sailor. (In the New York Post article they have two photos of Harpy...not too crazy about the dress that looks like it's made of racing flags, but the green one is nice.)
Today my feeds are full of the newly-hatched hard-right outrage that YM2 (AW) Kelley was chosen for this program.
Uhh...guys...the program ended over a month ago. PLEASE try to get outraged over the next thing you don't like while it's still going on, okay?
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